Is it ok for me not to tell my parents yet?
My parents are coming out on Saturday for the holidays (they live about a thousand miles away), and I just don't feel like I can talk to them about this yet.
Some backstory: my mom's mother drank a bit too much; her dad was a full out alcoholic who died of cancer directly linked to his drinking. Her brother was also an alcoholic. He died in his 30's -- drank way too much one day, vomited, and aspirated it into his lungs. Not a good way to go. My mom has always been twitchy about alcohol (for good reason, I suppose)... but I think because of the family history, she's always worried about my brother and I more than normal parents do. My dad also has some issues on his side but they aren't quite as directly linked to alcohol.
I know the past few months, my mom has been worrying more about me/my drinking. I'm not even sure what's triggered the worry but she's a mom so I'll let her have it.
I'm not afraid that she'll be mad or anything -- I imagine she'd be overjoyed to know that I'm not drinking. And she'll probably figure it out because I'd normally drink around them / have booze in the house, and I won't this time. But I don't think she'll ask why I'm not drinking, and I don't want to bring it up.
I worry about her worrying about me. Like I said, I live far away from all my family... I'm newly single... I drank too much... etc. She's already worried. I'm afraid if I come out and say, "Mom, I'm an alcoholic," it'll just push her over the edge. Pretty much her worst fear, confirmed. And there's nothing she can do because she's far away and it's a battle I have to fight for myself. Oh, and in spite of the many alcoholics dotting my family tree, we really don't have any success stories. I'm scared that she'll immediately picture me -- her baby -- dying in a pool of her own vomit just like my uncle. I don't know how she'll quite get over that visual and I don't think she has any real faith in recovery/AA because she's never seen it work.
It's weird because we're very close but we never really talk about how much I drink. We talk almost daily and I know it bothers (bothered?) her but it just wasn't spoken of. Actually, when I was younger (college age or so), I drank lots and was sort of in-your-face-look-at-me-I-can-TOO-handle-myself about it to her. I was so sure that I'd be different. I'd outsmart those bad genetics! But I guess that's what alcoholics do? We try to convince other people we're normal, right? And look where it got me.
Anyway... I know I'll have to tell her someday (I've got some amends to make when the time comes for that step). But can I just avoid the "Mom, I'm an alcoholic" conversation next week? Or is that somehow being dishonest? I guess I'm not sure how to balance honesty with anonymity. I'm ready to admit alcoholism to you myself and to other alcoholics who "get" it (like you awesome people and the people at my AA group). But I just don't feel ready to tell my mom.