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Is it ok for me not to tell my parents yet?

Old 12-18-2008, 08:14 PM
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Is it ok for me not to tell my parents yet?

My parents are coming out on Saturday for the holidays (they live about a thousand miles away), and I just don't feel like I can talk to them about this yet.

Some backstory: my mom's mother drank a bit too much; her dad was a full out alcoholic who died of cancer directly linked to his drinking. Her brother was also an alcoholic. He died in his 30's -- drank way too much one day, vomited, and aspirated it into his lungs. Not a good way to go. My mom has always been twitchy about alcohol (for good reason, I suppose)... but I think because of the family history, she's always worried about my brother and I more than normal parents do. My dad also has some issues on his side but they aren't quite as directly linked to alcohol.

I know the past few months, my mom has been worrying more about me/my drinking. I'm not even sure what's triggered the worry but she's a mom so I'll let her have it.

I'm not afraid that she'll be mad or anything -- I imagine she'd be overjoyed to know that I'm not drinking. And she'll probably figure it out because I'd normally drink around them / have booze in the house, and I won't this time. But I don't think she'll ask why I'm not drinking, and I don't want to bring it up.

I worry about her worrying about me. Like I said, I live far away from all my family... I'm newly single... I drank too much... etc. She's already worried. I'm afraid if I come out and say, "Mom, I'm an alcoholic," it'll just push her over the edge. Pretty much her worst fear, confirmed. And there's nothing she can do because she's far away and it's a battle I have to fight for myself. Oh, and in spite of the many alcoholics dotting my family tree, we really don't have any success stories. I'm scared that she'll immediately picture me -- her baby -- dying in a pool of her own vomit just like my uncle. I don't know how she'll quite get over that visual and I don't think she has any real faith in recovery/AA because she's never seen it work.

It's weird because we're very close but we never really talk about how much I drink. We talk almost daily and I know it bothers (bothered?) her but it just wasn't spoken of. Actually, when I was younger (college age or so), I drank lots and was sort of in-your-face-look-at-me-I-can-TOO-handle-myself about it to her. I was so sure that I'd be different. I'd outsmart those bad genetics! But I guess that's what alcoholics do? We try to convince other people we're normal, right? And look where it got me.

Anyway... I know I'll have to tell her someday (I've got some amends to make when the time comes for that step). But can I just avoid the "Mom, I'm an alcoholic" conversation next week? Or is that somehow being dishonest? I guess I'm not sure how to balance honesty with anonymity. I'm ready to admit alcoholism to you myself and to other alcoholics who "get" it (like you awesome people and the people at my AA group). But I just don't feel ready to tell my mom.
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Old 12-18-2008, 08:25 PM
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Strongbird,
I didn't tell anyone for months. I couldn't talk about it. I didn't want to give up the energy, I needed all I could get. Once I got stronger I found that I could talk about it and tell anyone. I think you'll be fine if you go with your gut feeling, it's usually right! If the offer to drink ever comes up just say "no thanks". The first time I did that I was amazed at how that was the end of it. Just say no! Make up an excuse if you don't want to open the can of worms. Good luck and Happy Holidays! Prayers
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Old 12-18-2008, 08:26 PM
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You'll tell her when/if you're ready. The most important thing, is that you are sober, and doing well!

One moment at a time, friend. Go with your gut.
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Old 12-18-2008, 08:38 PM
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This visit may not be a good time ...or it may
but it's never necessary to go into gory details
with loved ones....IMO

I did not as my family were non drinkers and lived
900 miles away during both my drinking and recovery.
I never drank in fromt of them but did call when
drunk...soooo....they did know.

When I said...by phone...
"I quit drinking...I go to AA"
My Mom replied....
"That's good.....how is the weather in D.C.?"

Typical of my Mom and her way of dealing
with any unpleasant situations.
Avoidance was her favorite coping skill....

Pray for clarity ..you'll know the answer.

We Mom's are strong women...and it's never a
bad time to hear good news from our children.
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Old 12-18-2008, 08:55 PM
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Why even bring it up? If your not ready to tell her and want some more time under your belt, don't even worry about it.
If your mother does notice and asks, "your not drinking anymore?" Why not just tell her your getting started early on your New Years resolutions, trying to be more healthy, lose weight, whatever and let it go.

An old timer at my AA meeting last night was talking about dealing with all the holiday parties, etc.
He said something to the effect of "We alcoholics are over sensitive about whose watching us to see if were drinking (I hope they don't notice I'm not drinking) or not drinking. Normal drinkers won't even notice if we're holding a coffee or a glass of wine and those that do point out that we're not drinking and goad us on (come on join the party) probably have a problem themselves."

Not sure exactly what he meant but it sort of made sense to me.

I don't know, I'm rambling, but I wouldn't worry about what if scenarios days from now. Stay in the now and stay sober.
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Old 12-18-2008, 08:58 PM
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Omega, I love the new year's resolution idea! Thanks again, everyone. I'm so glad to have found this place.
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Old 12-18-2008, 09:22 PM
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Strongbird I would give it serious thought before you do or don't. I told my Dad and his wife and they cried. I didn't expect that reaction and I was like, "I don't have cancer and I'm dealing with this." They just have this black cloud over them about me having to deal with this disease the rest of my life. I can think of worse things personally.

I didn't tell my in laws and they were here a week. I didn't drink while visiting with them back in October and just told them I was concerned about my blood pressure and my health in general. Over this past visit I was asked nightly if I wanted a glass of wine with them. I finally said, "I'm with child." The room went dead and I started laughing. They didn't ask me again.

Many ways to go about it, but I would think long and hard when it comes to telling your Mom. I'm sure you will do that any ways.
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Old 12-18-2008, 09:25 PM
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Glad to be of service!
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Old 12-18-2008, 09:32 PM
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This is my mindset as well. I am avoising the issue until I am ready and after it has been at least a few weeks. I think you are fine. You need to concentrate on you right now and nothing else.
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Old 12-18-2008, 10:42 PM
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My mom lives about 1,000 miles away from me, too. I just spent 4 days alone with her on a mini-vacation to New York and I did not tell her. I didn't want to. I had to put up with her asking me if I wanted to go to the hotel bar for a drink every blessed day... but I just said, "Nah, not really" and let it slide. I almost had to get up and leave the table once at dinner when she ordered a really strong martini and the smell of the vodka hit me, but I sipped my iced tea and took a few deep breaths and walked out sober.

If you're not ready to tell your mom, don't tell her. I don't know if I'll EVER tell my mom, and I'm ok with that.
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Old 12-19-2008, 12:46 AM
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Hey strongbird like others have said the most important thing now is to focus on you and that's it. Your trying to stay sober and that's enough to worry about. Personally, I can relate directly to this and if it were me I wouldn't say anything-holidays are good times, u knowing your mom and how she'll react might put a dampen on what is supposed to be good times. My mom is has also been very protective of me and she kind of figured in high school i go out and drink a bit with friends because of those late nights id try to sneak in and couldnt quite find the doorknob, lol. Then I went off to school and they knew i drank there, and i talk openly about it and have gotten buzzed with them before...but they have NO idea the extent of how much i drank through college and up till now. No idea. If my mom knew i could put down 15 drinks in a night, black out, and then wake up with barely any sleep and start again she would be extremely dissapointed. Looking back at how much of their money ive spent on booze and how many times ive lied to them about what im doing certain nights, etc. always makes me feel bad and is one of the main reasons for me to get sober. Anyways, i will never tell my mom or dad exactly how much i drank or what I did in college and other stuff. I believe there's definitely some things parents dont need to know- stuff that stays between me and my friends and thats how it will always stay.
I guess I would only tell your mom right now if you really need her support and help to beat the disease. Otherwise, i'd say keep it on the down low until you can really break through from drinking for awhile. i really dont think ill ever say to my parents im an alcoholic and hopefully I wont need to because Im strongly committed now to staying sober. But honestly GL with whatever you choose, it is your decision and no one knows your situation better than you, just my suggestions i guess. anyways , keep up the sobriety!
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Old 12-19-2008, 05:35 AM
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I'd say you don't have to tell anyone anything yet (or ever) if you don't want to or if you're not ready. Personally (and for a bunch of different reasons) I don't think I want to talk about it with my parents at all (particularly over the Holidays) but I can't control if it comes up. If it does, then I guess I'll deal with it and talk about it because I am proud of myself and feel I can look people in the eye on this subject, but this Holiday, I plan to let my actions speak louder than my words, and on top of that everyone I tell (who is close to me) has the same surprised reaction, and I find myself having to explain that I was drinking too much, lost control, etc, and I feel like I have to defend my decision to stop drinking and I don't enjoy that, so MUMS to word, lol...
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Old 12-19-2008, 05:52 AM
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Hi

My mother is coming for a visit. Haven't seen her, I think, since thanksgiving '07... I've got lots of resentments about choices she's made... Leaving my father, remarrying and then re-divorcing for financial reasons, moving as far away from family to places that made no sense, passing me a joint when I was 12.

I was the oldest, the golden boy. Couldn't do any wrong.

I was in rehab from sept to november this year. I wrote her one letter so she'd here it from me. Haven't written or talked since, and that one letter was probably the only contact we've had since thanksgiving '07.

My rehab and recovery will, of course, be the elephant in the room. Frankly, I don't want to talk about it because I don't feel I will be able to keep my resentments to myself, where they need to be this year. I also, really, could give a sh*t how she feels about it. My therapist said, that if it comes up, to tell her that he told me not to talk about it, and that's what he recommends.

Lot's and Lot's of alcoholism/addiction on both sides and within my family. We have some success, though... My dad was 24 years before he died, my brother 23...

Good luck. You can break the mold and be sober, I see that you really want it. Maybe your uncle didn't...

Mark.
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Old 12-19-2008, 06:34 AM
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I agree it's your choice to tell or not. If it makes you uneasy, keep it to yourself or just claim a healthier lifestyle. It's totally up to you. All you need to focus on is staying sober.
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Old 12-19-2008, 01:07 PM
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There's lots of good advice here, Strongbird.

I told very, very few people when I stopped drinking. I was overwhelmed with guilt and shame for a long time in early sobriety and, though I was honest with myself and my immediate family, I did not want to talk about my alcoholism with anyone else, at that time.

When I did tell my mother, who was also an alcholic, she said, 'So, just have one glass of wine then'. It was good that I waited until I was on firmer ground before I dealt with her.
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Old 12-19-2008, 03:55 PM
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I could have written that original post Songbird, about 6 months ago. Before I landed in the ER from drinking too much. I did feel better when all was out in the open, however it increased the pressure on me to remain sober (am I really complaining about that??). My parents live 2 miles from me, they attend my gym. They work 6 blocks from my work. They check on me constantly. Sometimes they're horrified with what they find (that I've been drinking), usually a constant positive reminder of what's really important in my life (family).

I dunno the point of this response to you lol.. I can say I regretted that they found out the extremity of my issue, but really I regretted they found out cuz I was scared they'd bust me drinking. They have, and at this point so have coworkers, etc. I'm on a mandatory counseling program to keep my job. This is my second day sober (again..), clearly I'm newer than most here, even tho I've been around for months. Whatever you decide, your parents love you, they can't help but worry. Both of mine are alcoholics, in recovery for 15 years.

Happy holidays, and congrats on making positive changes. What mommy wouldn't be proud of the GOOD stuff? When I told my mom yesterday that I was starting counseling (did NOT go into gory details) she cried, told me I was a beautiful person inside and out, and when I am strong, no one and nothing can beat me down. Yeah...I'm kinda glad everything's in the open.
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