AS is Home and I'm Uneasy
My son got released from jail under house arrest so he could spend the holidays here. The court team was split on whether or not to give him the chance. My son wrote a long letter to the judge, even had his teacher at YDC work on it with him for grammar and spelling. The judge was obviously moved by it. I am glad that it was him who got himself out - I had told him that this time it was up to him to do and he did do it all on his own - I kept completely out of it and said nothing in court except brief questions the judge asked me.
He has six weeks to wait until rehab will take him back. PO will be coming by today/tomorrow to put GPS ankle monitor on him. PO decided he could only go to his Dad's for short time periods and cannot spend the night. We're hoping to get him involved in some community service to keep busy and work off court fees and he did say he wants to go to NA meetings. of course i will have to find them because i wont let him on my computer - he plots his crimes on myspace.
But I'm in shock and right now just cant seem to feel any strength left in me to do this. I feel like i'm in a boxing match and they rang the bell but i cant get out of my corner. I love my son but I dont know how to do this again. My life had become very peaceful and I know that the odds are it will be tough on all of us this month.
His dad showed up for drug court hearing last night - first one he's ever been to. The PO sat down with us afterwards and explained the rules to him. Within two hours of leaving - Dad was drunk and calling me begging me to help him get more time with son - he couldnt believe they wouldnt let him take him more. I just told him I didnt have anymore help left in me for anyone else and if he wanted more he had to talk to PO. I told him he was just going to have to be strong, deal with it, and know that I'm going to do whatever is best for my son. He didnt believe that i had nothing to do with this and he is right, I did express my concerns to the court about him. An addict cant get better living with an active alcoholic.
Its not fear that I feel right now - its dread. I dont believe in my AS right now because I dont feel he has the tools yet to live peaceably with others and stay clean. I want to be happy he is home but I just cant find the joy - there is no joy with him anymore. There's been so much pain and I dont know how much more pain I can handle before I just crack. I've been suffering from panic attacks for the last year and I realized this last time that I only have them when he is directly in my life.
I'm so tired - i dont want to fight this battle anymore. I was hoping after some sleep that I would wake up with a better attitude but I dont feel any different. I'm back to locking up my bedroom, hiding my purse, locking up my computer, feeling on edge all the time. What's he going to steal this time, who's he going to be on the phone with plotting an escape while I'm sleeping, what drug deal is he making on myspace, is he going to steal liquor from my parents on christmas day, are all the otc drugs locked up in my room, will he steal my daughters ipod or cell phone? Will this ever stop? I just want it to stop.