AS is Home and I'm Uneasy

Old 12-18-2008, 05:01 AM
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AS is Home and I'm Uneasy

My son got released from jail under house arrest so he could spend the holidays here. The court team was split on whether or not to give him the chance. My son wrote a long letter to the judge, even had his teacher at YDC work on it with him for grammar and spelling. The judge was obviously moved by it. I am glad that it was him who got himself out - I had told him that this time it was up to him to do and he did do it all on his own - I kept completely out of it and said nothing in court except brief questions the judge asked me.

He has six weeks to wait until rehab will take him back. PO will be coming by today/tomorrow to put GPS ankle monitor on him. PO decided he could only go to his Dad's for short time periods and cannot spend the night. We're hoping to get him involved in some community service to keep busy and work off court fees and he did say he wants to go to NA meetings. of course i will have to find them because i wont let him on my computer - he plots his crimes on myspace.

But I'm in shock and right now just cant seem to feel any strength left in me to do this. I feel like i'm in a boxing match and they rang the bell but i cant get out of my corner. I love my son but I dont know how to do this again. My life had become very peaceful and I know that the odds are it will be tough on all of us this month.

His dad showed up for drug court hearing last night - first one he's ever been to. The PO sat down with us afterwards and explained the rules to him. Within two hours of leaving - Dad was drunk and calling me begging me to help him get more time with son - he couldnt believe they wouldnt let him take him more. I just told him I didnt have anymore help left in me for anyone else and if he wanted more he had to talk to PO. I told him he was just going to have to be strong, deal with it, and know that I'm going to do whatever is best for my son. He didnt believe that i had nothing to do with this and he is right, I did express my concerns to the court about him. An addict cant get better living with an active alcoholic.

Its not fear that I feel right now - its dread. I dont believe in my AS right now because I dont feel he has the tools yet to live peaceably with others and stay clean. I want to be happy he is home but I just cant find the joy - there is no joy with him anymore. There's been so much pain and I dont know how much more pain I can handle before I just crack. I've been suffering from panic attacks for the last year and I realized this last time that I only have them when he is directly in my life.

I'm so tired - i dont want to fight this battle anymore. I was hoping after some sleep that I would wake up with a better attitude but I dont feel any different. I'm back to locking up my bedroom, hiding my purse, locking up my computer, feeling on edge all the time. What's he going to steal this time, who's he going to be on the phone with plotting an escape while I'm sleeping, what drug deal is he making on myspace, is he going to steal liquor from my parents on christmas day, are all the otc drugs locked up in my room, will he steal my daughters ipod or cell phone? Will this ever stop? I just want it to stop.
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Old 12-18-2008, 06:09 AM
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I've had those boundaries with Son for a year - dad is throwing me - he's been out of my life for so long that i've got to get a grip on those again.

He does have to stay with me. He's a minor and he's a type 1 diabetic so many places cant take him. If I said he cant stay here - he would end up at Dad's and that cannot happen.
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Old 12-18-2008, 06:22 AM
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It makes you wonder how you survivied the first round. Once the chaos has been removed and you find there can be peace in the household it makes you wonder how you got through it the other times. I agree with Cynical One that there must be other places he can stay.

I had invited my AD over for Thanksgiving. She chose not to come. It was the first time in my life she hadn't been at the table with us and it was the most enjoyable holiday the family has had in a long time. We didn't have to hide our belongings, put up with her snide remarks, or walk on eggshells afraid to offend her. I've decided not to invite her to Christmas, and the family would prefer her not to come. If she does show up, hopefully we can abide by some ground rules, which I doubt. She makes it so hard.

Sorry you have to go through this. Lots of hugs and prayers that the six weeks fly by.
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Old 12-18-2008, 07:26 AM
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(((Winnie)))

I don't have any great advice, but sending you lots of hugs and prayers.

Will they be doing random drug screening while he's at home? I know that I had a friend on house arrest with the ankle bracelet. Because of the monitoring and the frequent drug testing, he was too scared to do anything wrong...I'm hoping the same is true for your son.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 12-18-2008, 07:34 AM
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Winnie, it will be ok, turn everything over to your higher power, keep asking for help to get through this, try to get the focus off the negative stuff...this too shall pass...(hugs)
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Old 12-18-2008, 08:10 AM
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Yes they will be drug testing him - they actually came by while i was typing this. His PO will be coming by during the day - always unannounced and they have surveillance officers who will come by at night and on the weekends. i've asked them to step it up with the visits. Luckily his old PO is now a surveillance officer and he's a tough one.
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Old 12-18-2008, 10:17 AM
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winnie, you identified dread and went on to explain why. Based on past experiences you're awfulizing the future. Some of those things may come true and if worse comes to worse, your son can always go back to jail.

What is different about you today in your recovery than in the past? What recovery tools have you gained that you can use towards making it through this day? What can you do to make yourself feel better?

My prayers are with you. The questions I've asked are the same ones I ask myself when I feel that panic. Identifying, understanding and accepting my feelings are always the first step, then I have to ask myself what is the next right thing for me to do, for myself.
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Old 12-18-2008, 10:28 AM
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Winnie, I wish I knew what to say. I do know how you feel. I can't believe they let him come home. :ghug :ghug
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Old 12-18-2008, 11:00 AM
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Thank you all for your comments.

Chino you hit the nail on the head - you know me so well already. I try not to worry or forecast but when you've been hurt so much its hard to let that go. I have learned a lot and made a lot of changes in myself - I guess I'm not confident yet that I wont slip back to old ways - it would have been easier if he and i werent going to be here alone together so much. I'm going to ponder what you said - maybe i still have some baggage to let go of myself so i can live free of addiction whether or not he is around. Thank you all.

PO said he'll have the gps monitor tomorrow - once that is on then i'll probably feel a little more secure. He has been plesant today - even got up and cleaned up the house and said he would like to cook dinner - he's trying to keep himself busy so that's a positive start. But he is 16 and already bored - boredom is a dangerous think for a teenager.

My goal today is to just smile one really big hearty smile. Going christmas shopping with my sweet daughter later so that's a great time for laughter.
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Old 12-18-2008, 02:07 PM
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Hugs...from another mom who understands your fears, doubts and worries.

This too shall pass. Stay firm.
Never leave anything unlocked.
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Old 12-18-2008, 03:45 PM
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Sending hugs and prayers your way that he will behave over the holidays. Hugs, Marle
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Old 12-19-2008, 01:02 AM
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Haven't been thru this (all though I've been my AD's own version of your 'round one') - but I appreciate your apprehension and dread. Maybe it will be better than expected; if not, he'll be taken right back to jail. Stay close to us here and keep us posted.
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Old 12-19-2008, 05:13 AM
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I have been their done that

Sounds like the story of my life but my son was older. I did the same things put everything alway so he would not take it put all cash out of sight. Had to have everything turned off the phone because of the monitor. My son did well when he was on the monitor had to have persmission to leave the house. I made it and I am sure you will too. This year I have no son to worry about and wish he was still here. God Bless you keep praying I'll pray for you and your family.
Maggie
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Old 12-19-2008, 05:21 AM
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Winnie,
Hugs to you. You're going to make it through this, even if it's hour by hour, or minute by minute, but you have some recovery tools and you're going to be fine.


He's cleaning and even wants to cook, that's a positive sign.
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