MissFixit, I see your point, but I do believe that responsibility for our feelings nevertheless remains with ourselves.
Let's take your scenario but, instead, replace the caring, loving you with Person X, someone who doesn't care about the person who has mistreated them. The mistreatment is the same, what's changed is the person on the receiving end. In this situation, when X find out the extent of that mistreatment, would X feel hurt and betrayed? Or might X feel relieved that, finally, she gets an excuse to leave? Or maybe vindicated, a feeling of "Hey, I knew I was right in not letting myself become emotionally embroiled"? Or a simple shrug of the shoulders in indifference because X knows it doesn't make any difference to her as she doesn't care anyway?
I'm not saying that we need to become like X, indifferent and unfeeling. And I'm not saying that feeling hurt and betrayed when someone we love treats as badly is a wrong or invalid emotion. Feelings are feelings, they are what they are. What I'm trying to show is how X's attitude affects how the external situation makes her feel. The mistreatment/abuse is the same but X's reaction, her feelings about it, are not. So if it was the abuser making X feel like that, how could the same abuser's identical actions make someone else feel hurt and betrayed unless it was the abusee's state of mind that marks the difference?
Mr B.