nowinsituation

I hear myself saying this over and over -- out loud and in my head. I was telling someone how my ex MADE me feel like I had to do everything (because he wouldn't do anything). Then later I was thinking how my sister MAKES me feel unorganized and ditzy because she finishes Christmas shopping before Thanksgiving and I have barely started yet. Then I realized that they are not MAKING me feel anything, so why do I try to blame them. They may or may not be trying to make me do or feel something; but they cannot MAKE me.

I am going to ponder this some more today . . . . I would love some input!

jjwc

I find that when I say someone "made me feel" it is because I have not taken responsibility for an upset of some sort. I try to change my thinking to "I feel", and then explore what I have not communicated, what was my thwarted intention, what haven't I taken responsibility for that I am avoiding, why am I playing the victim? Things like that. It usually gives me a different perspective and a new course of action. I switch my mode of thinking from reasons why I can be upset to a possible action I could take that would clear the upset.

I am new to the realization that I am codependent, and am incorporating this new found mode of behavior into the tools I have learned in the past (like the above), and I find it difficult at times. My codependency got in the way of incorporating these practices, but I am learning new ways to do it everyday. It is a whole new world now, but things like accepting the upset for what it is (I am upset, thats ok, addressing why, then taking action) help me out of my codie thinking. Thank you for your post. It got me thinking about "reasons" and I needed that today.

ToughChoices

I'm noticing this more and more, too.

"He makes me feel crazy" is turning into "I am allowing myself to feel crazy."
There is personal power in the latter statement.
There is blame in the former.

Thanks for the topic!
-TC

broken2

I used to think people MADE me feel a certain way, too. And, I truly hated them for it, dysfunctional as I was.

What was it Eleanor Roosevelt <--- said? "People can't make you feel inferior without your permission." (Or, something like that.)

YOU are responsible for your OWN feelings. And, you give farrrrrrrr too much power to the others who you are allowing to make you feel upset and/or angry at yourself. You don't realize you are doing this, that is a huge reason you are upset.

I had to take some assertiveness courses, before I could learn to say NO without feeling guilty; before I could give a rat's arse what others thought. It was tough. I'd always been raised (very controlling and insecure mother) with this ringing in my ears --------> "If you do that, WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS THINK!!!" :chatter I was wayyyy into my late 30's before I was strong enough to give a flying flip about what the "neighbors" thought.

Take some classes, darlin' ............ they will truly work WONDERS for you and I wish you much love and luck. I have walked in your shoes!!!!!!!!

Barbara52

It's a rather big AHA! moment to recognize that you are blaming others for "making" you feel something, anything! Congrats.

No one can make me feel anything. I may react to people with such-n-such feeling but that feeling is mine to own and deal with as I need to.

embraced2000

like barb said, it is a big aha moment, and i too, congratulate you!!!!

just keep thinking on it. then act on it on just one thing. there is so much freedom in realizing that no one has that much power over oneself.

the concept and mind frame of someone else making one feel something is one of the things that kept me locked into my own form of insanity.

hugs and prayers to you
jeri

MissFixit

I agree that no one can make you feel a certain emotion unless you give them the power to do it. However, playing the devil's advocate, what about if someone deceived, betrayed, lied, cheated in such a way that you didn't see it coming? What if you had an open communication where someone repeatedly lied to you and you had no idea?

Over an extended period of time, you trust someone and they trust you. What happens if that trust is violated in such a way that you are hurt and they are at fault? I don't think that it is realistic to be truly intimate relationship with another person for years, trust that person and then not be hurt by cheating or a similar action that they chose to do. I might be simple here, but you hurt me when you did such and such...or I was hurt by you doing such and such...isn't that the same or similar thing?

Mr B

MissFixit, I see your point, but I do believe that responsibility for our feelings nevertheless remains with ourselves.

Let's take your scenario but, instead, replace the caring, loving you with Person X, someone who doesn't care about the person who has mistreated them. The mistreatment is the same, what's changed is the person on the receiving end. In this situation, when X find out the extent of that mistreatment, would X feel hurt and betrayed? Or might X feel relieved that, finally, she gets an excuse to leave? Or maybe vindicated, a feeling of "Hey, I knew I was right in not letting myself become emotionally embroiled"? Or a simple shrug of the shoulders in indifference because X knows it doesn't make any difference to her as she doesn't care anyway?

I'm not saying that we need to become like X, indifferent and unfeeling. And I'm not saying that feeling hurt and betrayed when someone we love treats as badly is a wrong or invalid emotion. Feelings are feelings, they are what they are. What I'm trying to show is how X's attitude affects how the external situation makes her feel. The mistreatment/abuse is the same but X's reaction, her feelings about it, are not. So if it was the abuser making X feel like that, how could the same abuser's identical actions make someone else feel hurt and betrayed unless it was the abusee's state of mind that marks the difference?

Mr B.

prodigal

If someone punched me in the nose, I'd be a bit irate to say the least. To a degree, I can react with anger, violence, annoyance, fear, frustration .... the entire spectrum of emotions.

I no longer allow people to MAKE me feel, I allow myself to feel what I choose to feel. I also examine what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling the way I am. Did somebody push one of my buttons? Am I reacting to an old hurt? Do I want to control the situation by reacting?

I don't base a lot of my decisions on feelings any longer because feelings are fickle; they change; they come and they go.

Things that AH did two years ago that would get me going don't even give me pause for thought any longer. But it took a lot of work and effort on my part to get past all his b.s. - and to realize all I was reacting to was ineffectual lunacy anyway ...

loner1968

what about having hurt feelings when someone tells you that you aren't trying hard enough when in fact you are doing to best you know how?

veryrestless722

i wish more people would take blame for what they do instead of always blaming other people, ive learned to take blame for what ive done, my ex did some horrible things to me but in a way its my own fault because i could have walked away at any time and i chose not to

my biggest thing right now is other people blaming me for their own issues, my mom and i fight constantly now cause shes just like my ex and is constantly blaming me for things, im about at my limit with people blaming me, i do not have the power to control the universe so therefore its not my fault for everything that happens, i feel so held back in my own life because of so many people blaming me for everything but i know im the only person who can make my life better and get away from all the negative people im surrounded by

prodigal

If I know I'm trying hard enough - doing my best - and somebody tells me I'm not trying hard enough, I generally come back with a response I learned in Al-Anon, "Your opinion of what I'm doing is none of my business."

My parents were forever holding the bar higher for me to excel scholastically. Five A's and one B on my report card was met with, "What? Not straight A's???" So I'd come home the next grading period with straight A's, and their standard reply was, "Of course you got straight A's because you can do it and we know that."

A no win situation. And it hurt. But when I know deep within myself that I'm doing my best, holding up my end of things, and giving it my all, it doesn't matter to me if they think I'm not measuring up.

I've lived with addicts for years. I could not love enough, give enough, sacrifice enough, be nice enough ... you name it. Sure, there were plenty of hurts; some very old, some not so old. But I learned to like myself, to approve of myself, and be comfortable with believing I was doing my best - regardless of other's opinions.

broken2

In my humble opinion, if YOU KNOWyou are doing the best you know how and people are still belittling you ...... STAY AWAY from those people. Surround yourself with positive and supportive people. I, too, have been around those "naysayers" and they really, really brought me down.

I couldn't make a PB&J "correctly"; couldn't change my baby's diaper "correctly"; didn't keep my house "correctly" ... oh god, I could go on and on.

I finally stopped inviting those people over to visit. I wasn't as "smart" <--- ha! in those days. Ok, let's just call it wise. Even had a so-called doctor tell me years and years ago that I had IBS because I wasn't praying enough. Imagine that! And, I was socially phobic because I wasn't praying enough. Gimme a break!!

Keep on doing your best, dear one, and if that isn't working for you, get some counseling or take some classes. And, stay away from those that try to bring you down. To me, they sound very insecure themselves!!

broken2

OMG, I've gotta remember that!!!!!!!! lol

ChangingMyself

Thanks for this excellent thread and topic, nowinsituation.

I used to frequently tell my ABF in the face of his hurtful words and behaviors how bad he made me feel with them. He would in turn invariably tell me that he cannot *make* me feel anything (which of course just made me all the more hurt, upset and angry).

Now, I am not advocating trusting one's emotional health and mental well-being to an active or non-sober A, nor do I condone the actions borne of his disease (and probable accompanying personality disorder)--but in this particular instance (on the subject of personal responsibility for one's own feelings and responses) he was and is 100% correct.

Barbara52

"You hurt me" is very different than "you made me feel hurt."

"You hurt me" is owning your emotion. A very jsutified emotion in oh so many instances. Taking away the "made me feel" is not removing the responsibility of the person taking the hurtful action, it is owning the reaction to it. If someone betrays me, harms me, does whatever that brings about an emotional reaction in me, I have every right to be angry, hurt, sad, whatever. But no one is making me feel those emotions.

Someone does something awful. I say "you make me feel so angry." That is making them responsible for what they did and for what I am feeling. It is givng them some level of control over me.

Someone does something awful. I say "I an incredibly angry that you did that to me." That is making them responsible for what they did and me owning my reaction to it. That is taking control of what I say/do/feel.

MissFixit

So all are pretty much agreeing that by adding the phrase "make me," it gives over power.

Personally, whenever I confront someone I try to be as direct and to the point as possible. I have said "you hurt me when you did this..." I am comfortable with that statement and think that it "hits the nail on the head."