Prairiegirl,
Mixed feelings is the understatement of the century! Loved him, hated him, missed him wanted to kill him, wanted to change myself to be what he wanted (so not me), wanted to slash his tires, wanted to buy him books about alcoholism, wanted to hear his voice, wanted to gut him like a fish!!!
My XABF DID call me more than once and said these things to me. So heartfelt and tearful. Oh yes...It was a dream come true..after about the third time I started to get numb to it. Before then a sledge hammer wouldn't have gotten it through my head that it was another one of his controlling pity parties.
I wanted to believe him. I prayed for him to call and tell me those words. Now I can't believe it took me so long to realize that it was all bull if he was still drinking even one beer.He can't drink. He drinks one and he can't stop. Since he's been gone he has fallen so far that I can't even recognize him as the same person he was. he was bad enough when he left, but now he isn't someone I would even want to be around.
He would say he was going to break up with his AGF, that he made the biggest mistake of his life, that he was going to do everything he could to make things right with me. Then each time, he fell off the face of the earth and I was left wondering what was going on. I know now that what was going on is what always went on. he was drinking his life away. Of course he would say he didn't drink "that much" anymore yet he would have that lilt in his voice that I am so familiar with. I could hear the ice cubes in the glass for God's sake!
I used to regret not doing more to make him happy. Of course this was early on when I was still under the false impression that it was all my fault and that I drove him away.The only regrets I have now are the times that I "helped" him. I enabled him and although it made me angry I was in self preservation mode. I needed to pay the bills and have a roof over my head and it wasn't going to be easy to do it alone. In the beginning I "helped" him because I felt bad for him and didn't want people to see that he was such a mess. In doing this I actually hurt him by cushioning him from the consequences of his actions and then had to deal with the guilt that I felt for that after he left.
I also asked him to leave several times. I told him I couldn't stand being treated like I didn't matter. The house we lived in and where I still live belongs to my father so I wasn't going anywhere. He refused to go and then one day when I was actually thinking we were ok (yeah right) he told me he was leaving me. That he was tired of living a lie and that I told him to leave before so like you I was getting what I wanted.
Your X may call you and say all the things you want to hear but if he's still drinking then he is just talking out of his A$$. I don't mean to be blunt (but I do) I'm just trying to let you know that I understand and I have been there. Its not you. It's not that you aren't worth it or that you aren't good enough or any of that. that is what he wants you to think. DON'T believe it. It's all him and the way you react if and when he does call is all you. You are the only one who can decide whether or not it's worth the pain and confusion to listen to him.
As far as moving on...there is no schedule. Trust me...its been almost four years for me and I have just begun to see him for what he really is. A sick person who refuses any and all treatment for his disease.