Ah heck loner, you're going through a bad patch right now, aren't you?
Your XABF's antics, the economy, and now your dad. And 40, which wasn't easy for me either (if I recall, I said 'my life is almost over'
) I remember too that you don't have much in the way of a support system, which just adds to the feeling that things are hopeless. Fresh ideas and a good injection of pleasure every few days really helps.
Are you able to do anything to either side of your financial "balance sheet" so it's easier to get by? Kill a few cable channels, switch trash companies, buy things on Amazon subscriptions, Freecycle? Or on the other side, can you start some sort of small online business as an under-the-table (or over-the-table) supplement to what you're receiving?
There's a fantastic book called "Your Money or Your Life" that really defies description -- it's not only a huge source of minor financial tweaks that can really help, but it's like a bible (seriously, it has a huuuuge cult following) for looking at money differently, even if you don't have much of it. If I look back on the happiness timeline of my life, I can clearly see a sharp bend in the line, dividing it into before and after I read that book.
Your post really made me think. I lost my mom to cancer when I was in single digits - she drank her way to it too. I never had time to even establish unilateral affection for her.
If I could, now, I would write her letters, as I write to my other addicted loved ones. Letters are nonthreatening, informative, and keep the connection without me holding my breath waiting for someone to respond well/badly. I talk about what's up, just barely brushing on how I feel about them (I don't want them to get uncomfortable, as none of us is really emotional)
Hugs to you in this icky time. If you'd ever like to brainstorm, let me know. I think I see the same bits of beauty in the world that you do.
GL