A bad way to think or just reality?
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A bad way to think or just reality?
My dad was recently diagnosed with cancer. The prognosis isn't good. He seems to be ok with it. still smoking and drinking and says it's too late to give up the vices. I kind of see his point.
He taught me from childhood that the world is a cruel place and that life is not fair. He was not wrong. It might be a bad way to raise a kid but It wasn't a lie. He also taught me about science and the beauty and brutality of nature. He brought home some tadpoles one night when I was about 9 or 10. he woke me up and told me to watch.
He opened the lid to the tank of salamanders that I kept in my room. He poured the tadpoles in and the salamanders began to devour them. Gulping them down whole. I started to cry and my mother yelled at him. He said "well how else is she gonna learn about life?"
My life has never been easy and my family has never been close. I love my dad and i know he loves me we just don't say it.
I feel that he is ok with this because he knows he won't have to hurt anymore. I really can't blame him for that. He is an alcoholic with the mind of a genius and a huge heart that he keeps locked away.
He saw his father dead at the dinner table when he was 13. He started down his road of self abuse then. There are no excuses. There is just reality. I don't blame my dad for not trying to fight the cancer. He isn't weak. He knows he did this to himself and he is not feeling sorry for himself. He is going through chemo and radiation and going through the motions. I don't think he expects to get better.
I think it's sad that all the years of therapy I've had were spent trying to teach me that what my dad taught me was wrong somehow
His view of life makes even more sense now than it ever did. Things are hard and they only get harder. I try so hard and I still can't get anywhere. I feel lost and unsafe all he time. I feel exposed like my skin has been peeled off.
He taught me those things because he didn't want me to hurt. It never stopped me from hurting. I don't blame my dad for anything.
I hope he doesn't suffer and linger like some do. I know my mom is in denial. I don't really need any advice or anything...I just wanted to write this and send it out to people who can probably understand.
Thanks
He taught me from childhood that the world is a cruel place and that life is not fair. He was not wrong. It might be a bad way to raise a kid but It wasn't a lie. He also taught me about science and the beauty and brutality of nature. He brought home some tadpoles one night when I was about 9 or 10. he woke me up and told me to watch.
He opened the lid to the tank of salamanders that I kept in my room. He poured the tadpoles in and the salamanders began to devour them. Gulping them down whole. I started to cry and my mother yelled at him. He said "well how else is she gonna learn about life?"
My life has never been easy and my family has never been close. I love my dad and i know he loves me we just don't say it.
I feel that he is ok with this because he knows he won't have to hurt anymore. I really can't blame him for that. He is an alcoholic with the mind of a genius and a huge heart that he keeps locked away.
He saw his father dead at the dinner table when he was 13. He started down his road of self abuse then. There are no excuses. There is just reality. I don't blame my dad for not trying to fight the cancer. He isn't weak. He knows he did this to himself and he is not feeling sorry for himself. He is going through chemo and radiation and going through the motions. I don't think he expects to get better.
I think it's sad that all the years of therapy I've had were spent trying to teach me that what my dad taught me was wrong somehow
His view of life makes even more sense now than it ever did. Things are hard and they only get harder. I try so hard and I still can't get anywhere. I feel lost and unsafe all he time. I feel exposed like my skin has been peeled off.
He taught me those things because he didn't want me to hurt. It never stopped me from hurting. I don't blame my dad for anything.
I hope he doesn't suffer and linger like some do. I know my mom is in denial. I don't really need any advice or anything...I just wanted to write this and send it out to people who can probably understand.
Thanks
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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I'm sorry to hear about your dad. He sounds stoic about it.
It sounds as though your dad tried to drill into your head at a young age that "life sucks and then you die." He pressed his own reality on you. It sounds like he did a great job. That's a shame imho.
I know you don't need advice, so feel free to ignore this, but I guess I just don't buy that way of being any more.
From my perspective -- from the perspective of someone who has seen almost everyone she loved die in dreadful ways, who has been raped, beaten, molested, abused, embarrassed, tormented, stalked, cheated on, lied to -- the world is a natural place full of great dangers AND great joys. For me, it doesn't "start hard and get harder", it started hard, got a little harder, then got really good, then another bump, and now it's perfect seas but who knows next year....? I'm not after any guarantees. But I do know this:
There's a reason why people say "life is what you make it." The power of the mind is such that if someone chooses to think that "it's hard and gets harder" I can almost guarantee that that thinking will make it happen for them.
Conversely, if someone chooses to think, "I'm here for about eight decades and I'm going to be/do/see/feel everything possible and squeeze every single drop of pleasure out of it that I can" then THAT will be their reality.
I know this because I've been both people. And it ain't genetics. I wasn't BORN to be positive, I was born in hell. I had to rip myself out of the first life by the roots, and replant myself in the second. It took a long time to take hold.
There will not be a single decision I will ever make that's as important as that one. I don't intend to go to my grave moaning, "See? I TOLD you it all sucked."
Sending you strength to get through your father's ordeal in a way that lets you grow different roots, rather than sending you deeper into his doom-and-gloom way of living.
It sounds as though your dad tried to drill into your head at a young age that "life sucks and then you die." He pressed his own reality on you. It sounds like he did a great job. That's a shame imho.
I know you don't need advice, so feel free to ignore this, but I guess I just don't buy that way of being any more.
From my perspective -- from the perspective of someone who has seen almost everyone she loved die in dreadful ways, who has been raped, beaten, molested, abused, embarrassed, tormented, stalked, cheated on, lied to -- the world is a natural place full of great dangers AND great joys. For me, it doesn't "start hard and get harder", it started hard, got a little harder, then got really good, then another bump, and now it's perfect seas but who knows next year....? I'm not after any guarantees. But I do know this:
There's a reason why people say "life is what you make it." The power of the mind is such that if someone chooses to think that "it's hard and gets harder" I can almost guarantee that that thinking will make it happen for them.
Conversely, if someone chooses to think, "I'm here for about eight decades and I'm going to be/do/see/feel everything possible and squeeze every single drop of pleasure out of it that I can" then THAT will be their reality.
I know this because I've been both people. And it ain't genetics. I wasn't BORN to be positive, I was born in hell. I had to rip myself out of the first life by the roots, and replant myself in the second. It took a long time to take hold.
There will not be a single decision I will ever make that's as important as that one. I don't intend to go to my grave moaning, "See? I TOLD you it all sucked."
Sending you strength to get through your father's ordeal in a way that lets you grow different roots, rather than sending you deeper into his doom-and-gloom way of living.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
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Originally Posted by loner1968 
He taught me from childhood that the world is a cruel place and that life is not fair. He was not wrong. It might be a bad way to raise a kid but It wasn't a lie. He also taught me about science and the beauty and brutality of nature. He brought home some tadpoles one night when I was about 9 or 10. he woke me up and told me to watch.
He opened the lid to the tank of salamanders that I kept in my room. He poured the tadpoles in and the salamanders began to devour them. Gulping them down whole. I started to cry and my mother yelled at him. He said "well how else is she gonna learn about life?"
He opened the lid to the tank of salamanders that I kept in my room. He poured the tadpoles in and the salamanders began to devour them. Gulping them down whole. I started to cry and my mother yelled at him. He said "well how else is she gonna learn about life?"
I don't quite know what to say to your quote. My initial reaction (I'm trying to rear this 7yo girl) was, man I've probably made lots of mistakes that she'll be explaining to a therapist one day, but I NEVER tried to teach her that the world is a cruel place. I guess I'm feeling pretty self righteous right now. Ha! I know our parents only do the best they can with the knowledge that is available to them at the time. I believe your Dad left a very important word out, the world is unfair/cruel "sometimes".
I used to think (pre-program which was also pre-Hp) just like your Dad. I've had what I explain as a tiny shift (just 1 or 2 degrees) in perspective, (no giant 180 degree shifts), from a just slightly negative outlook on life to a just slightly positive outlook on life. It's made a tremendous difference in my life, and I would have to imagine in DD's as well. Which wolf am I gonna feed?
I wish you and your Dad the best. :sorry
Thanks and God bless us all, :praying
Coyote
P.S. I was "hunt and pecking" while you were responding to this post GL, have I told you I love you lately? -Coyote
Last edited by coyote21; 11-22-2008 at 01:28 PM. Reason: To add hijack P.S.
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I agree with both of you. I don't want you to think that I don't try to find the beauty and joy in life. I do and I try often. I find beauty and joy in things that most people wouldn't. A gnarled tree root that no wood carver could ever copy. The startling bright yellow on the belly of a tree frog that no painter could ever match.
See, my dad instilled some good things in me as well but I am who I am. I really do try.
I try all day every day and I feel like i am walking in wet sand. I'm turning 40 next month and I feel lost and I don't have anything to fall back on. I have done the very best I can and people say to do your best and that's good enough but in reality...it's not good enough. Not in this society. Not when you are on a fixed income and living on disability and everything is going up except your income. Everything is a struggle and for me it doesn't get easier. Each time I try to pick myself up and dust myself off I fall again. I feel Like a failure and maybe I'm just having a pity party to some but if that's the case then why the hell do I keep getting up?
Its crazy. I didn't start life out so great either but as much as I push and work and think and do I just never seem to get it right. I know there is no handbook. My parents didn't have one either. My mom was almost ready to give birth to me and was still trying to hide her pregnancy!! What was she going to do? How was she thinking she could explain that? Was she going to dump me in the creek or something?How was she supposed to teach me anything? Who knows. My uncle had to call her out on it and yelled "your pregnant"
I have never been able to make sense of these things and now I am facing the death of my dad. We never got to be close even though we are so alike. I tried but he didn't respond and I kind of got tired of always trying and getting nowhere. Kind of felt like he didn't really care either way.
I hope you guys don't think I'm some freak. Just thinking out loud and I know I can do it here. All my friends are either working or with their other half right now so I'm by myself and thinking too much. Thanks for your thoughts and for sending strength.
Stoic was the EXACT word I used when telling a friend about my dad.
See, my dad instilled some good things in me as well but I am who I am. I really do try.
I try all day every day and I feel like i am walking in wet sand. I'm turning 40 next month and I feel lost and I don't have anything to fall back on. I have done the very best I can and people say to do your best and that's good enough but in reality...it's not good enough. Not in this society. Not when you are on a fixed income and living on disability and everything is going up except your income. Everything is a struggle and for me it doesn't get easier. Each time I try to pick myself up and dust myself off I fall again. I feel Like a failure and maybe I'm just having a pity party to some but if that's the case then why the hell do I keep getting up?
Its crazy. I didn't start life out so great either but as much as I push and work and think and do I just never seem to get it right. I know there is no handbook. My parents didn't have one either. My mom was almost ready to give birth to me and was still trying to hide her pregnancy!! What was she going to do? How was she thinking she could explain that? Was she going to dump me in the creek or something?How was she supposed to teach me anything? Who knows. My uncle had to call her out on it and yelled "your pregnant"
I have never been able to make sense of these things and now I am facing the death of my dad. We never got to be close even though we are so alike. I tried but he didn't respond and I kind of got tired of always trying and getting nowhere. Kind of felt like he didn't really care either way.
I hope you guys don't think I'm some freak. Just thinking out loud and I know I can do it here. All my friends are either working or with their other half right now so I'm by myself and thinking too much. Thanks for your thoughts and for sending strength.
Stoic was the EXACT word I used when telling a friend about my dad.
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Originally Posted by loner1968
I find beauty and joy in things that most people wouldn't. A gnarled tree root that no wood carver could ever copy. The startling bright yellow on the belly of a tree frog that no painter could ever match.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. I don't know if 40 is old enough to remember a tv show called "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom". Kind of a precursor to animal planet. Anyway the weekly lead in to the show showed a lion running down and catching a gazelle. This was long before the political correctness I always whine about....your story about the salamanders reminded me. Took me right back to "little boyhood"....thanks! BTW that old lead in always troubled me, even though it was "true life in the jungle". But hey, not EVERY gazelle got eaten by a lion! Ha!
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HA! Coyote,
I remember wild kingdom. I used to get to stay up "late' to watch it. I remember it well. I also remember one episode where "Jim" was showing some strange bird and it's way of attacking was to go for eyes. He had to have it behind a piece of plexi-glass and the bird was freaking out and pecking at the plexi trying to gouge out Jim's eyes.
Why do I remember that?
I wanted to say that i don't think you have to worry about screwing your daughter up. You sound pretty cool to me.
I remember wild kingdom. I used to get to stay up "late' to watch it. I remember it well. I also remember one episode where "Jim" was showing some strange bird and it's way of attacking was to go for eyes. He had to have it behind a piece of plexi-glass and the bird was freaking out and pecking at the plexi trying to gouge out Jim's eyes.
Why do I remember that?
I wanted to say that i don't think you have to worry about screwing your daughter up. You sound pretty cool to me.
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Life can be all sorts of everything can't it? I've been fortunate enough that when I get down there is always something put in my way that shows me there are worse out there. Just the fact that I'm breathing makes it a good day.
If it has to come to a point where I am living in a tent with my children then so be it. At least we will all be together.
I'm very sorry to hear about your father. Maybe you can break the cycle and just call him out of the blue and say "hey dad........I love you". What do you have to lose?
If it has to come to a point where I am living in a tent with my children then so be it. At least we will all be together.
I'm very sorry to hear about your father. Maybe you can break the cycle and just call him out of the blue and say "hey dad........I love you". What do you have to lose?
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Originally Posted by loner1968
My dad was recently diagnosed with cancer. The prognosis isn't good. He seems to be ok with it. still smoking and drinking and says it's too late to give up the vices. I kind of see his point.
He taught me from childhood that the world is a cruel place and that life is not fair. He was not wrong. It might be a bad way to raise a kid but It wasn't a lie. He also taught me about science and the beauty and brutality of nature. He brought home some tadpoles one night when I was about 9 or 10. he woke me up and told me to watch.
He opened the lid to the tank of salamanders that I kept in my room. He poured the tadpoles in and the salamanders began to devour them. Gulping them down whole. I started to cry and my mother yelled at him. He said "well how else is she gonna learn about life?"
My life has never been easy and my family has never been close. I love my dad and i know he loves me we just don't say it.
I feel that he is ok with this because he knows he won't have to hurt anymore. I really can't blame him for that. He is an alcoholic with the mind of a genius and a huge heart that he keeps locked away.
He saw his father dead at the dinner table when he was 13. He started down his road of self abuse then. There are no excuses. There is just reality. I don't blame my dad for not trying to fight the cancer. He isn't weak. He knows he did this to himself and he is not feeling sorry for himself. He is going through chemo and radiation and going through the motions. I don't think he expects to get better.
I think it's sad that all the years of therapy I've had were spent trying to teach me that what my dad taught me was wrong somehow
His view of life makes even more sense now than it ever did. Things are hard and they only get harder. I try so hard and I still can't get anywhere. I feel lost and unsafe all he time. I feel exposed like my skin has been peeled off.
He taught me those things because he didn't want me to hurt. It never stopped me from hurting. I don't blame my dad for anything.
I hope he doesn't suffer and linger like some do. I know my mom is in denial. I don't really need any advice or anything...I just wanted to write this and send it out to people who can probably understand.
Thanks
He taught me from childhood that the world is a cruel place and that life is not fair. He was not wrong. It might be a bad way to raise a kid but It wasn't a lie. He also taught me about science and the beauty and brutality of nature. He brought home some tadpoles one night when I was about 9 or 10. he woke me up and told me to watch.
He opened the lid to the tank of salamanders that I kept in my room. He poured the tadpoles in and the salamanders began to devour them. Gulping them down whole. I started to cry and my mother yelled at him. He said "well how else is she gonna learn about life?"
My life has never been easy and my family has never been close. I love my dad and i know he loves me we just don't say it.
I feel that he is ok with this because he knows he won't have to hurt anymore. I really can't blame him for that. He is an alcoholic with the mind of a genius and a huge heart that he keeps locked away.
He saw his father dead at the dinner table when he was 13. He started down his road of self abuse then. There are no excuses. There is just reality. I don't blame my dad for not trying to fight the cancer. He isn't weak. He knows he did this to himself and he is not feeling sorry for himself. He is going through chemo and radiation and going through the motions. I don't think he expects to get better.
I think it's sad that all the years of therapy I've had were spent trying to teach me that what my dad taught me was wrong somehow
His view of life makes even more sense now than it ever did. Things are hard and they only get harder. I try so hard and I still can't get anywhere. I feel lost and unsafe all he time. I feel exposed like my skin has been peeled off.
He taught me those things because he didn't want me to hurt. It never stopped me from hurting. I don't blame my dad for anything.
I hope he doesn't suffer and linger like some do. I know my mom is in denial. I don't really need any advice or anything...I just wanted to write this and send it out to people who can probably understand.
Thanks
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Originally Posted by coyote21
P.S. I was "hunt and pecking" while you were responding to this post GL, have I told you I love you lately?
Have I told you how lucky your daughter is lately? :ghug3
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Ah heck loner, you're going through a bad patch right now, aren't you?
Your XABF's antics, the economy, and now your dad. And 40, which wasn't easy for me either (if I recall, I said 'my life is almost over'
) I remember too that you don't have much in the way of a support system, which just adds to the feeling that things are hopeless. Fresh ideas and a good injection of pleasure every few days really helps.
Are you able to do anything to either side of your financial "balance sheet" so it's easier to get by? Kill a few cable channels, switch trash companies, buy things on Amazon subscriptions, Freecycle? Or on the other side, can you start some sort of small online business as an under-the-table (or over-the-table) supplement to what you're receiving?
There's a fantastic book called "Your Money or Your Life" that really defies description -- it's not only a huge source of minor financial tweaks that can really help, but it's like a bible (seriously, it has a huuuuge cult following) for looking at money differently, even if you don't have much of it. If I look back on the happiness timeline of my life, I can clearly see a sharp bend in the line, dividing it into before and after I read that book.
Your post really made me think. I lost my mom to cancer when I was in single digits - she drank her way to it too. I never had time to even establish unilateral affection for her.
If I could, now, I would write her letters, as I write to my other addicted loved ones. Letters are nonthreatening, informative, and keep the connection without me holding my breath waiting for someone to respond well/badly. I talk about what's up, just barely brushing on how I feel about them (I don't want them to get uncomfortable, as none of us is really emotional)
Hugs to you in this icky time. If you'd ever like to brainstorm, let me know. I think I see the same bits of beauty in the world that you do.
GL
Your XABF's antics, the economy, and now your dad. And 40, which wasn't easy for me either (if I recall, I said 'my life is almost over'
) I remember too that you don't have much in the way of a support system, which just adds to the feeling that things are hopeless. Fresh ideas and a good injection of pleasure every few days really helps.Are you able to do anything to either side of your financial "balance sheet" so it's easier to get by? Kill a few cable channels, switch trash companies, buy things on Amazon subscriptions, Freecycle? Or on the other side, can you start some sort of small online business as an under-the-table (or over-the-table) supplement to what you're receiving?
There's a fantastic book called "Your Money or Your Life" that really defies description -- it's not only a huge source of minor financial tweaks that can really help, but it's like a bible (seriously, it has a huuuuge cult following) for looking at money differently, even if you don't have much of it. If I look back on the happiness timeline of my life, I can clearly see a sharp bend in the line, dividing it into before and after I read that book.
Your post really made me think. I lost my mom to cancer when I was in single digits - she drank her way to it too. I never had time to even establish unilateral affection for her.
If I could, now, I would write her letters, as I write to my other addicted loved ones. Letters are nonthreatening, informative, and keep the connection without me holding my breath waiting for someone to respond well/badly. I talk about what's up, just barely brushing on how I feel about them (I don't want them to get uncomfortable, as none of us is really emotional)
Hugs to you in this icky time. If you'd ever like to brainstorm, let me know. I think I see the same bits of beauty in the world that you do.
GL
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Thanks givelove,
you are right about the rough patch. Sometimes just when I think I can get above water and start to see a light at the end of the tunnel I get slammed again. I have been trying for two years to sell my crafts on the internet. Its really hard and I am not computer savvy so its been a struggle. I am going to be working with a shop in PA that wants to sell my work on consignment. I was contacted by the owner. I know with everything that I can do I could be making money hand over fist but I get so depressed and tired and the pain is no picnic either.
I do push myself pretty hard. Sometimes to the point of being stupid. this past summer I took a gardening job. I have fibro and a really bad disc in my back...of course I pretend that I'm fine cuz nobody needs to know and I need money. I busted my a$$ and realized that I need to slow down. Nobody was keeping track of me or anything. The woman is a friend of a friend and totally trusted me at her house alone and I STILL worked like a dog.
I keep thinking that someday I will be able to at least support myself...somehow. and in a way I can be proud of. I am not very proud of being on disability. Its always a carrot on a stick and they like to see how far you will run. Of course it isn't my fault I'm on it but the system and society does a great job of reminding people that they are on on it.
As far as the XABF's antics...I don't really believe anything he says and I do not have to pick up the phone .I did this last time because of the whole suicide threat but He was "all better" the next day so there ya go!
I think he just likes to make sure I am still here. I feel like he probably sees me as his property somehow even after all this time. I have been able to carry on a relationship with his niece without dealing with him He doesn't even talk to his family anyway so that makes it easier. he leaves me alone except for about once a year. This last time was probably disappointing to him as I'm sure I didn't react like he wanted me to because I now have boundries.
Yeah I do feel like my life is almost over. I never cared much about being in my 30's. Now 40 is freaking me out. I wish I could move to a new town and re-invent myself. Into what I'm not sure. Leave the old me behind.
Anyway thanks for the advice and I am going to get that book.
you are right about the rough patch. Sometimes just when I think I can get above water and start to see a light at the end of the tunnel I get slammed again. I have been trying for two years to sell my crafts on the internet. Its really hard and I am not computer savvy so its been a struggle. I am going to be working with a shop in PA that wants to sell my work on consignment. I was contacted by the owner. I know with everything that I can do I could be making money hand over fist but I get so depressed and tired and the pain is no picnic either.
I do push myself pretty hard. Sometimes to the point of being stupid. this past summer I took a gardening job. I have fibro and a really bad disc in my back...of course I pretend that I'm fine cuz nobody needs to know and I need money. I busted my a$$ and realized that I need to slow down. Nobody was keeping track of me or anything. The woman is a friend of a friend and totally trusted me at her house alone and I STILL worked like a dog.
I keep thinking that someday I will be able to at least support myself...somehow. and in a way I can be proud of. I am not very proud of being on disability. Its always a carrot on a stick and they like to see how far you will run. Of course it isn't my fault I'm on it but the system and society does a great job of reminding people that they are on on it.
As far as the XABF's antics...I don't really believe anything he says and I do not have to pick up the phone .I did this last time because of the whole suicide threat but He was "all better" the next day so there ya go!
I think he just likes to make sure I am still here. I feel like he probably sees me as his property somehow even after all this time. I have been able to carry on a relationship with his niece without dealing with him He doesn't even talk to his family anyway so that makes it easier. he leaves me alone except for about once a year. This last time was probably disappointing to him as I'm sure I didn't react like he wanted me to because I now have boundries.
Yeah I do feel like my life is almost over. I never cared much about being in my 30's. Now 40 is freaking me out. I wish I could move to a new town and re-invent myself. Into what I'm not sure. Leave the old me behind.
Anyway thanks for the advice and I am going to get that book.
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