Today I am sad.
Today I am sad and lonely.
Sad for my ex. I thought he was gonna get better with rehab and yet he hasnt. I know its early but it still doesnt change that I am sad. He is angry. I am sad.
I realized the other day how much I miss him. More then usual. I actually imagined him sitting in the chair across from me the way it was. Made me cry. Today I have spent all day just wandering through the house. Thinking of him. Wishing that things were different. I even miss the sound of his voice. His real voice not the voice that it has become. The sound of his laughter. I havent heard that in so long. The teasing he used to tease alot when I was down or upset. Said I just sucked all of the fun out of the room.
Today I miss him. Tomorrow I might not. But today I cry over what could have been. I cry for my kids' sake. Their loss of such a great person in their lives too. He told me yesterday that he has been calling me all week and I told him he was lying. Today I looked at the house phone and yep he has been calling all week. Why he chose to call that line (it never gets answered) I am tired of trying to figure out.
I really thought that things would be getting better for him by now but they arent. Not as long as he is going through the motions of rehab and not really seeking recovery.
I wanted to post this for the new people so that they could see that survival from this is a daily thing. Some days are good some are bad and its ok to feel these feelings. Its ok for me to remember how things used to be. Memories will always be good. As many of you know I had hope for our family. I had hope that as soon as he got off those nasty pills we could as a family move forward. I have lost that hope. I still hope for his recovery but I have lost hope for us as a family.....