Today I am sad.

Old 11-22-2008, 03:22 PM
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Today I am sad.

Today I am sad and lonely.

Sad for my ex. I thought he was gonna get better with rehab and yet he hasnt. I know its early but it still doesnt change that I am sad. He is angry. I am sad.

I realized the other day how much I miss him. More then usual. I actually imagined him sitting in the chair across from me the way it was. Made me cry. Today I have spent all day just wandering through the house. Thinking of him. Wishing that things were different. I even miss the sound of his voice. His real voice not the voice that it has become. The sound of his laughter. I havent heard that in so long. The teasing he used to tease alot when I was down or upset. Said I just sucked all of the fun out of the room.

Today I miss him. Tomorrow I might not. But today I cry over what could have been. I cry for my kids' sake. Their loss of such a great person in their lives too. He told me yesterday that he has been calling me all week and I told him he was lying. Today I looked at the house phone and yep he has been calling all week. Why he chose to call that line (it never gets answered) I am tired of trying to figure out.

I really thought that things would be getting better for him by now but they arent. Not as long as he is going through the motions of rehab and not really seeking recovery.

I wanted to post this for the new people so that they could see that survival from this is a daily thing. Some days are good some are bad and its ok to feel these feelings. Its ok for me to remember how things used to be. Memories will always be good. As many of you know I had hope for our family. I had hope that as soon as he got off those nasty pills we could as a family move forward. I have lost that hope. I still hope for his recovery but I have lost hope for us as a family.....
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Old 11-22-2008, 04:23 PM
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Cassandra, I just read your post, I'm sorry that you are so sad. How giving of you to respond to me earlier, when you yourself are dealing with so much pain. I know how you feel, because that feeling you are experienceing is exactly why I joined this group.
To figure out how to let go.
For I too, have had my addict, that I love dearly, leave. However, I made the mistake of getting sucked back in - BECAUSE that is how I felt. (what you just wrote of)
He too is one of the funniest men I have ever met.
When he was gone- at times it felt like someone hit me in the stomach and I couldnt breathe.
It sucked. and so I went back.
Maybe what my therapist told me will help you. He said inside everyone of us there is a little child, and sometimes the child wins..... the child is the one with the hope that he gets better, and that everything will be fine. The child desperatly seeks his love, and wants to look for the slightest shred of evidence of why we should stay.
And here is when our adult needs to hug that little girl and say to her "sweetie, he loves you as much as he can, but he CANT love you the way you deserve. He is not good for you- or for your life, and I'm not going to let you go there again. I know it hurts, and you can cry, kick and scream, but I'm going to protect you from him."
He told me to take a picture of myself from when I was little and look at it hard when those feelings of "what could have been" when missing him gets too hard to handle. And ask myself what a loving person would tell that little girl. To look at ourselves in the most innocent form and love that person more than anyone else. Protect her at all costs.
I know that I am not there yet....
Though I am trying very hard.
I just need to be here, so that when I cowboy up again and ask the man I love, my addict boyfriend, to leave, that I never turn around again.
My thoughts are with you.
Cess
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Old 11-22-2008, 04:30 PM
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I am exactly where you are today, Lost. He was mean to me and blamed me for everything. I know he doesn't believe it but, deep down inside I want him to tell me what he really thinks of me. I use to tell him that I would like him one day to validate me much like what recovering alcoholics say when they tell their story
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Old 11-22-2008, 04:39 PM
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Sometimes I just feel that it doesnt have to be this way. No I feel that way all the time. I know that him and I were very good together. I know that because of my past abusive relationship that I could not stay when I was no longer feeling like we were equals.

He told me once that he had cheated on me. I looked at him puzzled. He said I cheated on you with drugs. How true that statement is and was. He allowed another to replace me. Things have gotten bad between us now. I dont like it. Because I feel that if this truly were a breakup we could sit down like two rational adults and work out visitations and blah blah.

When he asked what time I was dropping our daughter off for Thanksgiving I was floored. Like I hadnt made plans to do something. Like he was expecting to get his way. I told him that we would be out of town and then the stuff hit the fan. Does he really think I am not gonna move on with my life? I know he thinks his life is on pause (he says that often) but MINE IS NOT!!!!!

Let me just throw something out there and tell me what you think.....

Addicts too go through stages of grief. Denial of their problem. Anger. Depression. Bargining. Resentment. Acceptance.

Is that right? Cause right now he is back and forth between denial and anger. I am NOT responsible for what HE has done. I too want my family back but I cant do that with a person that wont accept his part in all of this.

I just miss him. And sometimes its hard. Thats why I need people like you Cess. It takes my mind off of my own pain and grief and gives me something to direct it at.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 11-22-2008, 04:42 PM
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((((Cassandra))))

awww, sweetie, I'm sorry. I'm also very proud of you, though, that you realize this is all part of the process and even though it hurts, you now know it's not going to destroy you.

Through all of this, you have continued to reach out to others, and share your ES&H, and that is awesome. No matter where we are on our journey, when we reach out, it helps us, and it helps others. Sometimes we are the ones who need a little help, sometimes we can offer a little help. No matter what, knowing we are not alone, it makes the journey just a bit easier to travel.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 11-22-2008, 05:42 PM
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Cass...I can relate. I miss my ex-abf and it makes me sad to even think about him. I am sorry you feel like this today. :praying
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Old 11-22-2008, 08:17 PM
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((((Cassandra)))) your AH is addicted to the same things as mine. I know how hard this is for you. I was reading today it can take up to 2 yrs just to the get the PAWS (post acute withdrawal sydrome) to stop from those particular drugs, once the drugs are stopped. It's a long road to recovery, unless a miracle is done. And I do believe in miracles.

Hoping for the best,
NH7
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Old 11-23-2008, 07:25 AM
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Sending hugs. It isn't easy to walk through the pain of grief to get to the other side and find acceptance. I know you have the tools to do this...I hope he does too!
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Old 11-23-2008, 08:30 AM
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Prayers and hugs - you seem to have a very balanced approach to this - seeing reality and also being aware of your own feelings.

It is a long journey, with days of sadness and some days of joy.

Prayers for peace in your heart, healing and strength for the journey
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Old 11-23-2008, 08:32 AM
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Hey girl, I understand how you're feeling. I'm feeling the exact same way.
I managed to fend off my pain for the past couple of days and try to keep busy, but this morning i woke up alone,... AGAIN, and just felt all the sadness and pain creep back.
I'm trying to hold it back, but i know i have to let out the pain sometimes by crying.
My eyes are sore from how much i've cried this week from missing him, and i'm worried they will get worse the more i cry.

BUT i've still not contacted him, and he hasn't contacted me either.
It's the most difficult thing i've had to do. BUT i'm managing. With the help of my family and friends.

I'm here for you too.
|Limiya|
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