Originally Posted by Bernadette

Anytime I am trying to change my behavior with an eye on what it causes another person to pay attention to, or how it makes another person react, I am swimming in codie waters!!

I try very hard to be doing what is best for me. Regardless of how the A reacts. I gave up trying to change and detach with an eye still towards having an effect on my brothers. In early AlAnon I think I made that mistake-- I still thought that if I did everything "right" it would effect them in these positive ways (my fantasy of a sudden beautiful recovery for them persisted, and was not useful!!). I finally grasped the real deal that detachment means just that- letting go- and I should only be trying to do all the right things because they are good for me!

When you put some of these new behaviors in practice pay attention to how they make YOU feel. Not how they affect him. How does it feel to YOU? If you feel better and less stressed not talking to him when he is drinking then it's probably a good behavior for YOU, etc.

It is sometimes just a subtle shift... keep trying Lotus - keep taking your mental temperature - not his - and more will be revealed!
Peace-
B.