With xAH I did all the rules and screaming ect.. I swore I would never do that again. When husband number two fell off the wagon I got help for me. He has no "rules". He does what he wants. At this point no boundaries either; he just walks across them. He likes to "pretend" that all is just peachy. I play along for the sake of false peace.
I have asked for him to stop drinking, getting help, marriage counseling, no sex when drinking, coming home at proper times, coming home at all. He sees no reason to listen to any of these requests. If I get mad, I get an "I'm sorry" with about as much remorse as if he had stubbed my toe.
When they don't want help I don't believe there is any reason to actively be engaging them. I believe that if they are going to continue in an alcoholic lifestyle that they are in no place to contribute to a relationship. Relationships are about love and respect. How can they respect you when they don't respect themselves? And love? Their one true love is the bottle.
I am one of the people that feels that as long as they are actively involved in their addiction no one should be with them.