Hi everyone,
I'm relatively new here. I've posted a while back when I was really down and have been reading a lot of posts since then.
My ABF has told me he wants to quit drinking but hasn't gotten any professional help/ gone to meetings etc. and of course he didn't end up quitting. He has cut back though (even though I'm sure it's just a matter of time until he's right back where he started from) and does not get wasted in my presence or when he knows I'll be spending the night - which is a nice change (but I know I shouldn't get used to it).
Anyways, I just kinda wanted to touch on the topic enabling and setting rules. I know there are multiple ways of enabling... babying the a, putting the a down for his behavior, etc. because all of that will leave the a not having to take on responsibilities for his/her own actions. I've read that to not enable is to just live your life as normal as possible and just go about your life and let the a worry about his alcohol problem himself. Easier said than done... I've really been trying from the beginning not to enable... however, I've probably failed several times, because it is just really hard for me to completely detach. So I was just thinking the other day about things I've done that would qualify as enabling ... my yelling would def. fall under that... and me trying to get him help and being the one trying to find out about treatment option would prob also be somewhat enabling because it is something he should be taking responsibilities for. So how do you live with an alcoholic without enabling him/ her and yet not pretending that everything's peachy when in reality it isnt? What about setting certain rules, like not talking to him when he's been drinking, etc. ... would that count as enabling (since the a. focuses all his/ her attention on the fact that you are being "mean" to/ "punish" him/her and not to the actual problem of his/ her addiction)?
Also, what kind of rules did you set to make living with an a easier? I for one refuse to have sex when he's been drinking/ will not touch/cuddle because just the smell of alc. on him makes me mad and upset, and I've been kinda trying to keep talking to a minimum when he's been drinking (I actually decided not to talk to him at all but that didn't really work out for some reason
).
Well, like I said things have actually been going well between us lately... but I know he drinks when I'm not there and I know things are bound to get worse again... so I figured I might as well address these things now so I'll be ready when I need to be. (isn't it sad to be losing the hope that things could turn to the better
)