I read these posts last night but was in no frame of mind to respond. I did reach out and call my healthy friends. One of my oldest sons came over, I was sitting in the dark, and he could see I was upset, he said Mom turn the lights on, make yourself some tea and it will be ok. My youngest son came home and seen my upset face and said, why are you crying, is it because of HIM? he is a waste of space, God has a better plan for you and it isn't him. Then he wrapped his arms around me and said, you need a hug Mom and it will be ok. We went for a ride, and visited family and didn't talk about the AXBF at all.
My mind has been racing about how he can go from wanting to come home and turn around the next day and be so nasty and cruel. BUT it isn't the first time he did this, but it has to be the last time I allow it to happen. I am going to go insane if I keep allowing this to happen. I am so much better then this but it's like I am on a scary ride and the gears are broke and I can't get off of it.
I am considering going on some type of medications (although I don't agree on taking meds, not religious, just personal) I feel that I am falling into the same pattern I was in High School when he left me standing there all them years ago. I became anorexic, and did attempt to take my life. (it was a combination of him walking away, and my Moms boyfriend sexually abusing me for the prior 2 years, I thought he (axbf), found out about the abuse and walked away from me, I didn't find out until 25 yrs later that he didn't know anything about it) I am not suicidal, but I think I may be sinking into an eating disorder again, especially when I stepped on the scale and it was 20# down in 2 weeks. I can afford to lose a little more weight, but I am not purposely trying to and haven't been. My nerves are on high and I just need to take care of myself for my kids and grand kids.
Thank you everyone.. I really need SR, and my counseling. I have a lot of work on myself to do. I don't think I am suitable for a relationship at this point, and maybe not for a very long time. If ever.