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I think I am having a nervous breakdown

Old 11-12-2008, 12:59 PM
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I think I am having a nervous breakdown

I am shaking uncontrollably, and have been for days since the contact started again with the AXBF. I wish I could run away, but wherever I run away to, my freeking mind will be there with me!

I got off the phone with him about 2 hours ago and I am just so.. spent. He called me, he had not been drinking, as far as I can tell. The conversation started out pretty bad, first expressing to each other how angry we are at each other for this situation. Then it went to him screaming at me because I can't afford to pay the car insurance this month and wanted him to cover it. He said I was a vulture who caused him to lose everything. (this hurt, as he was the one who walked out on me leaving everything behind)

I asked him what happened to him wanting to come home, he said I do want to come home but you need counseling for your mistrust of men. I said, trust, you want me to trust you from NY-NC, when you are seeped with hate towards me, drinking every day, and are quite evasive about everything! He started his screaming again, which I told him I would have to get off the phone if he continued. He said he didn't want to be without me but he is trying to find peace and figure out what his underlying problem is.

I asked about his drinking buddy he has, he said oh he is in the lunny bin he slit his wrists and I want to slit my throat because of you. I asked him if he wants to end up like his friend, and he said he is going to end up like him because of me, because I wont pay the car insurance, because he don't have a job and can't get one because of the panic and anxiety, because he don't want to lose me but he can't be with me and wants me to wait for him. He goes from seething hateful attitude and words to I love you baby, I just need more time to heal. But, he isn't making strides to fix the problem. He did say he started on that program.

I told him that I don't want to see him end up like his buddy, that I love him and wish for him to find the peace he is seeking. I hung up with I love you.

I KNOW that this will be the last conversation I have with this man. I found out quickly, after a few minuets why we are not together. He is so into blaming everything on me, that he can't see himself. I am feeling quite ill. I feel so nervous, so anxious, so sad, so hurt, so lost. I want to shake the **** out of him and make him get help. But I can't.. ;-(

I want to shake the **** out of myself to smarten up and just let him suffer his own consequences. If I don't, I will end up in the hospital. As it is, I have lost 175 lbs since September 2007, and lost 20# in the last 2 weeks because my insides are shaking like I was standing in a snowbank naked.
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Old 11-12-2008, 01:11 PM
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If you have hit your bottom with him and you are ready to focus on your own recovery from this relationship, I think you should change your name to happyending. The beauty of it is that you get to choose when you are done playing codependent games with an alcoholic, and you get to choose when you move on with your wonderful life.
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Old 11-12-2008, 01:48 PM
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((((((((((( sadending ))))))))))

:sorry

Please do something to help you today....reach out to a friend, go to an Alanon meeting, read a good book, watch a great movie...something to take the focus off your ex.

I am in a similar situation with my AH. He refuses to see the root of our issues is his active addiction. That is his choice. I've chosen not to be with him at this moment. I love him and I miss the man I know he could be - but not the man he IS right now. I am not reaching out to my AH but if he contacts me I will assure him that I love him and want the best for all involved. Nothing that I say or do is going to change HIM. Heck, I've spent 20 years trying....I'm one tired girl.

Please, please, please talk to someone IRL. Ask a friend to come over or just ask if you can visit them for a while. You'd be amazed at how much support you'd have if you just ask, hon....

((((((((( more hugs ))))))))
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Old 11-12-2008, 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Sadending View Post
and I want to slit my throat because of you.
Wow, the power to cause a man to slit his own throat. Why don't you have the power to get him to stop drinking and grow up?

Quacking.
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Old 11-12-2008, 02:45 PM
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Sadending, I'm not sure why you keep doing this to yourself -- talking to him, I mean. He's sick, irrational, abusive, and makes you feel terrible. I can only hope you reach your own "bottom" soon, before your continued contact with him drives you insane.

Please protect yourself. And I second the motion to get some healthy face-to-face support today as well.
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Old 11-12-2008, 03:07 PM
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I agree with GL, cut out the contact. It took me a very long time to learn that, I wanted to keep the cycle going. I have had minimal contact with my exabf the past 3 weeks.....but 9 times out of 10, I feel awful after talking with him.

I am sorry you are going through this, just do something for yourself today, take the focus off of him and put it back on you.

:codiepolice
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Old 11-12-2008, 03:12 PM
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I always feel horrible after talking to an X. Life is soooo much more serene without drama.
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Old 11-12-2008, 03:21 PM
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Sad,

It's gonna be ok. In the midst of all this pain - a miracle! CLARITY...You got clear about what is truly in front of you. And the pain you are feeling is in part because you have the courage to face this. Courage is about facing something/doing something *in spite* of the fear. Getting right in the face of the fear. And it feels terrifying. And you can get to the other side of it.
Right now take care of the very, very most basic things. Sleep, food, bath and reach out for support - just like you are!
Just by letting time pass, you are moving through this. Just hang on.
Big hug from here!

Tarheel
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Old 11-13-2008, 04:15 AM
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I read these posts last night but was in no frame of mind to respond. I did reach out and call my healthy friends. One of my oldest sons came over, I was sitting in the dark, and he could see I was upset, he said Mom turn the lights on, make yourself some tea and it will be ok. My youngest son came home and seen my upset face and said, why are you crying, is it because of HIM? he is a waste of space, God has a better plan for you and it isn't him. Then he wrapped his arms around me and said, you need a hug Mom and it will be ok. We went for a ride, and visited family and didn't talk about the AXBF at all.

My mind has been racing about how he can go from wanting to come home and turn around the next day and be so nasty and cruel. BUT it isn't the first time he did this, but it has to be the last time I allow it to happen. I am going to go insane if I keep allowing this to happen. I am so much better then this but it's like I am on a scary ride and the gears are broke and I can't get off of it.

I am considering going on some type of medications (although I don't agree on taking meds, not religious, just personal) I feel that I am falling into the same pattern I was in High School when he left me standing there all them years ago. I became anorexic, and did attempt to take my life. (it was a combination of him walking away, and my Moms boyfriend sexually abusing me for the prior 2 years, I thought he (axbf), found out about the abuse and walked away from me, I didn't find out until 25 yrs later that he didn't know anything about it) I am not suicidal, but I think I may be sinking into an eating disorder again, especially when I stepped on the scale and it was 20# down in 2 weeks. I can afford to lose a little more weight, but I am not purposely trying to and haven't been. My nerves are on high and I just need to take care of myself for my kids and grand kids.

Thank you everyone.. I really need SR, and my counseling. I have a lot of work on myself to do. I don't think I am suitable for a relationship at this point, and maybe not for a very long time. If ever.
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Old 11-13-2008, 05:07 AM
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Thank you everyone.. I really need SR, and my counseling. I have a lot of work on myself to do. I don't think I am suitable for a relationship at this point, and maybe not for a very long time. If ever.
I have been at that point in my life. My al anon sponsor was the one who told me I was right - sort of. I wasn't suitable for a romantic relationship with anyone else, but I WAS suitable for a relationship with my higher power, and also with myself.

There's nothing wrong with taking some time to heal. After the end of my very toxic and painful marriage, I made it a goal to become happy, healthy and whole. I did a lot of reading, attended meetings, talked to recovery friends, did some counseling. I needed time to learn about ME. I was so incredibly codependent... I could tell what his favorite movie was, his favorite restaurant, his favorite everything, but I was so squashed down in all of that mess that I didnt know what MY favorites were!

I had to build up my own self esteem and become a healthy, whole person before I had anything left to give to a relationship. I wasn't always great at it, but I learned a lot.

BIG hugs. There is light and life on the other side.

Cats
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Old 11-13-2008, 05:10 AM
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I talked to someone last night who was in the stage of her relationship and I remember being there. When you break away from him you will start to heal. Eventually you will sick of being sick right alone with him and you will pull away for good and then one day you will take a deep breath and realize it's been a while since you breathed.
In your time............you'll be done with this mess. Hopefully soon you'll break off the conversation all together. That's where the healing starts.
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Old 11-13-2008, 07:18 AM
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I still feel that I pushed and pushed until I pushed him completely away from me. Then I remember at the beginning how everything I did for him was, as he said, too much for him to handle. example, holidays, birthdays, romantic gestures, intimacy, I loved him too much, I made too much to eat, I bought him too many clothes, I shopped too much, I wanted to hug him, kiss him too much. How he said I was forcing him to be part of things he didn't want/like, was unable to accept. (he was a bachelor, and had no intimate relationships until me) Then it went from too much to how unfair it was to him that I had a family, I had kids, I had male friends and he never had female friends.. to, how my strength made him feel weaker and unable to handle anything. To how can I be smiling in the face of tragedy, I should be crying and upset all the time (that isn't me) Then it is at where I 'should' say I am sorry for being so horrible to you, I will trust you no matter what you do (he want's me to say this to him) I will never question you again, I will go with the flow and not bother you when you are having a few. I will never argue again, I will never raise my voice again. He said if I had said that to him, he would have been back by now. He always told me how I SHOULD react, how I SHOULD feel about things, or think about things.

I just couldn't do all them things. I am a feisty woman and can't just lay back and be a door mat for anyone. (anymore) He took everything I said or did as a personal attack against him, instead of what it was about.

I do wish I could make him see his part, but that is like asking a turtle to be a butterfly. It's hard for me to let go. I don't feel like I am a victim, but I sometimes get upset at myself for being such a 'fighter' or survivor. I think I tend to push people out of my life, but I suppose the people (men) I have dealt with have given me reason to push them out. My mind, heart and soul screams at me that something is wrong with this picture.

I don't like giving up on people, but he has given up on himself, and on me (us). Although he said he just wants time to heal and work on his program. From living with him, he never heals from anything. He is always angry at something or someone who he says has done him wrong (victim) He said he is comfortable with being the victim. I don't understand how anyone can be comfortable with that??

Then I get afraid that I will eventually end up with someone worse then him, like a murderer, or something equally as bad. My mind goes in these cycles of non stop thinking and rationalizing why he should stay in my life. I do know where my problem is, I just don't know the steps to disengage. (I am trying to learn)
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Old 11-13-2008, 07:37 AM
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Sad,

You are asking good questions. You have to find your own self again. You are absolutely *not* giving up on anybody. You have tried to fit a square peg in a round hole for years. Now it's time to move from that painful, endless fight to a battle you can win. That's the one for yourself and your best life. Believe it or not, you are already doing that!

Take good care of yourself...

TH
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