Thank you for all of your responses. I sometimes feel really stupid for getting myself into this situation. It's like...I thought I was smarter. I was alone without a man for 12 years! Doing all of it by myself. Have a good job, car, and even own a home. Now everything seems to be falling apart around me...just because I fell in love and decided to take a gamble. Uuuuggghh!!!!
We got in a fight last night. He didn't have to work yesterday and he stayed home getting high/drunk while I worked until 5:30. He came to pick me up from work and then announced that he was going to so-and-so's house to watch football and drink some more. I was so angry after being at work all day and not getting home until 7:00 that he was planning to leave, drive our only car while under the influence, and put our whole family at risk of having no transportation which ultimately would result in no jobs. We are right on the edge of disaster. I'm planning on filing for bankruptcy since we are 3 months behind on the mortgage along with about 8 bill collectors calling and utilities behind...everything!
Anyway, after announcing that he was going out for the evening to be with his friend, I blew up. I cried and acted really ugly. He began his 20 minute tirade about how he was a "grown man" and he really can do what he wants. (He knows deep down he is so wrong about this because if he decides to "do what he wants" our marriage will NOT survive.) I scoff at him when he says he is a grown man because apparently he is still figuring out what a grown man is and how they are supposed to act. "He will not allow a woman to control him blah, blah, blah". I listened to this all the way home (20 minute ride) after he called the guy to tell him he couldn't come over. I think he was just really angry because he
was allowing me to call the shots, but he didn't want me to get away without being verbally punished for it. I told him he is going to wind up resenting me and I believe he really will if this continues. He didn't go out but gave me the ultimatum "okay...then let me stop by the store to get some beer and I'll go home and drink and watch the game by myself." He wanted me to feel sorry for him.
You know, I probably really wouldn't have cared SO much if we had more than one car and our finances were better. I think I could detach then from his sick ways more. But I'm scared to death that we are going to lose everything because of his actions. I'm scared.
I've always understood why the Catholic Church (I'm catholic) says birth control is wrong. I understand the moral principle behind it especially within the confines of marriage as I believe a couple should be open to the life God has to give to a family. But this situation is causing me to back down from my principles and get on birth control immediately after this one!!!! I've backed down from my principles in alot of ways. I guess the symptoms of his disease are beginnng to manifest in my own life.
He knows I've been already thinking about making him leave. That's the thing that constrains him. I believe he does love us, his family and he's trying harder to do right than he ever has before in his life. But, I don't know if it will be enough.
