First time dealing with alcoholism - help

Old 11-10-2008, 01:52 PM
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Question First time dealing with alcoholism - help

I met my husband at a night club. We were young and both partiers. That was 12 years ago.

To make a long story as short as possible, I became pregnant by him not long after meeting him. We then lived together for 9 months until our first child was about 3 or 4 months old. Before we separated I was pregnant again with twins this time. I was only 23 at the time and desparately immature and had no idea what I was getting myself into. As you would expect the relationship did not work out and I wound up in a home for women and he wound up in prison for drug charges.

Fast forward 12 years. I've managed to get my life together for my sake and the boys (all 3 boys). The boys had been raised to this point by me alone with no involvement from their father. I decided that it was time they know who their father was about a year ago and wrote him in prison. (He had been living a crazy lifestyle all these years and in and out of prison).

For some reason after we met (he was out of prison in May 2007), we really connected and I seemed to just fall right back in love with him. We dated for a couple of months and then married. Since I've married him, I realized the depth of his addiction problems. For years, I never knew it was really that serious. I just thought he was in "party" mode all that time. I've never understood that it was a disease until now. I've studied, prayed, pleaded with him, cried to him, gotten angry with him, tried to put my foot down in certain areas, etc. etc., but he still continues to drink. I'm learning my own utter lack of control over his drinking and his urges to use marijuana (another of his addictions).


He indicates to me that he is basically self-medicating. He has "adult-add" and these substances slow his mind down and its the only method he knows of on how to cope with his racing mind and impulsive ways. He is not abusive in any way except sometimes it hurts me emotionally when he wants to go places and be around people that are clearly part of his disease. This is the hardest part to deal with even though he is not one to stay out all night and has never been home later than 10:00 - and this has only happened a few times. In my mind I tend to believe the only reason he doesn't go and stay out all night is because he knows there is a great chance his bags would be packed and at the door when he got in.

So far the other hardest part of this disease is just watching him self-destruct and abuse his body. He sits on the front porch for hours and hours, drinking, smoking, and playing online poker with his cell phone - completely detached from the rest of the family. He stays sweet and kind-hearted even when he is messed up (for the most part - although the alcohol has given occasion to boldness and ugliness towards me that he would not otherwise have had).

He tells me that he likes it when I put my foot down. He appreciates it when I come down hard on him for spending too much money on alcohol, drugs. Right now we are having EXTREME financial difficulties and have to share a car since we can't afford to put one of them in the shop. He does hold down a $10 an hour job in construction. He came really close to losing the job last month and this prompted him to attend AA for 13 meetings then he quit going when he listened to the lies of the disease again telling him he could drink like normal people.

He is currently on another binge. The binges usually last 3 or 4 days at least and then he'll take about a 2 day break.

We've only been married going on 8 months. I'm six months pregnant now with our 4th child - a girl this time.

I guess my question is I feel like if I don't talk to him when he is drunk, we will never be able to talk, because he usually is drunk. If I must wait until he is sober to be able to talk to him, then won't we grow distant and our marriage just fall apart? Sometimes I feel like he desparately wants someone to put their foot down and make him behave. Does that have to be me? How can it be me? I don't know how to do this. How can I put my foot down to a man? Every time I have done it, he tells me how much he appreciates it and how much his life has changed and how much more self-control he has when he is with me. If he needs me so much, then what will happen when he no longer needs me? When he gets well, (I'm praying he does) will he then leave since the basis of his love for me is his need for me it seems? Please remember that this man is not abusive toward me or the boys.(He is a very attentive and caring father) He is just very sick right now and he has told me he feels like he is in constant turmoil against himself - part of him wants to quit and just get well and never drink again, but the other part of him will not allow him to let go and learn other ways to cope.

Also, he has been seeing a therapist who has started him on medication, but it seems to me that the medication will have a very difficult time working as long as he keeps drinking. I've told him this but of course that does no good.

I'm sorry this is so long. It's really hard to read such long posts, but with this being my first post, I had alot to explain. Thank you for your time!!!
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Old 11-10-2008, 02:08 PM
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Hi Deliverance!

Every time I have done it, he tells me how much he appreciates it and how much his life has changed and how much more self-control he has when he is with me.
All of the following is just my personal opinion and by no means expert advice! The problem I see with his appreciation of you putting your foot down is that he puts you into the role of the person that is responsible for controlling his addiction and you should not have to take on that role. It's stressful to constantly have an eye on your partner and to constantly lay out the rules and tell a grown man what to do (I have been there!) and you should not have to deal with that kind of stress.

If he needs me so much, then what will happen when he no longer needs me? When he gets well, (I'm praying he does) will he then leave since the basis of his love for me is his need for me it seems?
This really hit me because I used to have the same fear. I had to let him separate from me physically (move into his own place) to learn that the relationship only has a basis if he still wants to be with me even though he does not need me to control his addiction.

If there is a way, you might want to consider withdrawing from your current role and focusing less on him and more on yourself and the kids. He is the only one who can ultimately control his addiction and like I said, you shouldn't have to take on that duty.
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Old 11-10-2008, 06:40 PM
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Welcome to SR.... really glad you found us and are able to share your story...

I completely understand your situation.... my only suggestion would be to get into an Al-anon meeting... take the focus off taking care of him and start working on taking care of yourself.... heavens knows you have your hands full with 4 children now.

I look forward to getting to know you better, keep posting and perhaps check out the stickies at the top of the form.
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Old 11-10-2008, 08:26 PM
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Welcome to SR. I hope you find some help here.

I agree with the suggestion that you go to Al-Anon. If you can get some counseling or other type of professional help please do that.

I don't want to sound harsh or anything but please consider taking the necessary steps to not have any more children with this man. Children are a blessing but if the household is dysfunctional and/or you just can't afford to take care of more than 4, it really isn't fair to the kids. This is my opinion and I mean no insult to anyone. I have a brother and sister that are considerably older. There were three more after them. I've always believed that the two oldest were by choice, the rest of us were accidents. It was tough growing up in my house.

I wish you healing...
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Old 11-11-2008, 04:21 AM
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the relationship you describe is pathologic. alanon isa decent place to start. you may also consider support groups for families of addicts. these are usually run by local rehab centers and are great in that family members can ask direct questions to experienced counselors. all the family members are caring ad supportive. sharing is also allowed(alanon format)
counselors explain about addiction and how to deal with it for loved ones.

Your husband although he says he appreciates you "putting your foot down" it seems that he may be placating you since according to your post he still does basicall what he wants to do. Binges, addict friends, etc etc.
many people have add yet they are not addicts.

addicts can be very good at knowing how to get what they want from the enablers (us, you and me)

financial havoc seems to have quite a high inidence among addicts and or the loved oved ones trying to help.
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Old 11-11-2008, 06:48 AM
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"it hurts me emotionally when he wants to go places and be around people that are clearly part of his disease. "

I've dealing with this issue right now. the only thing you can do is not go to places with him when he wants to go to.

I find it that female bartenders, understand more than male bartenders but I also noticed they don't cut them off when they know they are too drunk.
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Old 11-11-2008, 07:23 AM
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Thank you for all of your responses. I sometimes feel really stupid for getting myself into this situation. It's like...I thought I was smarter. I was alone without a man for 12 years! Doing all of it by myself. Have a good job, car, and even own a home. Now everything seems to be falling apart around me...just because I fell in love and decided to take a gamble. Uuuuggghh!!!!

We got in a fight last night. He didn't have to work yesterday and he stayed home getting high/drunk while I worked until 5:30. He came to pick me up from work and then announced that he was going to so-and-so's house to watch football and drink some more. I was so angry after being at work all day and not getting home until 7:00 that he was planning to leave, drive our only car while under the influence, and put our whole family at risk of having no transportation which ultimately would result in no jobs. We are right on the edge of disaster. I'm planning on filing for bankruptcy since we are 3 months behind on the mortgage along with about 8 bill collectors calling and utilities behind...everything!

Anyway, after announcing that he was going out for the evening to be with his friend, I blew up. I cried and acted really ugly. He began his 20 minute tirade about how he was a "grown man" and he really can do what he wants. (He knows deep down he is so wrong about this because if he decides to "do what he wants" our marriage will NOT survive.) I scoff at him when he says he is a grown man because apparently he is still figuring out what a grown man is and how they are supposed to act. "He will not allow a woman to control him blah, blah, blah". I listened to this all the way home (20 minute ride) after he called the guy to tell him he couldn't come over. I think he was just really angry because he was allowing me to call the shots, but he didn't want me to get away without being verbally punished for it. I told him he is going to wind up resenting me and I believe he really will if this continues. He didn't go out but gave me the ultimatum "okay...then let me stop by the store to get some beer and I'll go home and drink and watch the game by myself." He wanted me to feel sorry for him.

You know, I probably really wouldn't have cared SO much if we had more than one car and our finances were better. I think I could detach then from his sick ways more. But I'm scared to death that we are going to lose everything because of his actions. I'm scared.


I've always understood why the Catholic Church (I'm catholic) says birth control is wrong. I understand the moral principle behind it especially within the confines of marriage as I believe a couple should be open to the life God has to give to a family. But this situation is causing me to back down from my principles and get on birth control immediately after this one!!!! I've backed down from my principles in alot of ways. I guess the symptoms of his disease are beginnng to manifest in my own life.

He knows I've been already thinking about making him leave. That's the thing that constrains him. I believe he does love us, his family and he's trying harder to do right than he ever has before in his life. But, I don't know if it will be enough.
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Old 11-11-2008, 08:21 AM
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Like ivy gowing up a tree trunk and choking out its life, his addiction is carefully and expertly doing the same to you and your family. Please make a plan for living apart from him, dear, for things are bad for you and will be getting worse. You sound like someone who can really do what's best. Take care.
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Old 11-11-2008, 09:18 AM
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throw in the towel after 8 months? It just seems like I wouldn't have given us a chance...
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Old 11-11-2008, 09:41 AM
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Originally Posted by deliverance View Post
But I'm scared to death that we are going to lose everything because of his actions. I'm scared.
This is a valid fear and the one I would be worried about the most; whether he continues to drink and drug is the least of it. What will you do for you and your children, since he has decided what he is doing is good enough?
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Old 11-11-2008, 10:43 AM
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Originally Posted by deliverance View Post
throw in the towel after 8 months? It just seems like I wouldn't have given us a chance...
A chance to do what? You said that everything was good on your own. A job, car house ... and then .... everything is bad. In 8 months. The same 8 months that he is there. After prison. After all the other things ...

Thats what addict do. They suck you in. The addiction is in control. Is this any different than the first time?

Somewhere there is a wall and it has writing on it.
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Old 11-11-2008, 10:57 AM
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Welcome. Please keep posting and reading. I encourage you to focus on you. You cannot change your husband. He is an addict. He is an alcoholic. He is doing exactly what he wants to do and you have no control over it. He may be "giving" you the illusion of control. But don't be fooled. He choses when he gets high and drunk. Not you.

Do you have any boundaries about the kind of behavior you are willing to accept in your life? What are the consequences if someone violates those boundaries?

I have learned that as long as I set boundaries with my childs best interest in heart, I rarely go wrong. For me, it was in my childs best interest not to force him to grow up in a house with an active addict. I want my child to grow up with positive adult role models. Not drug users. Not people who drink and drive. Not emotional abusers. I can try help my child become the person his father is not. I cannot help his father. He is an adult. He makes his own choices. I want my son to learn that his fathers choice to use drugs and alcohol, and break the law, will not be tolerated in our house.
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Old 11-11-2008, 11:46 AM
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Originally Posted by sslusser View Post
A chance to do what? You said that everything was good on your own. A job, car house ... and then .... everything is bad. In 8 months. The same 8 months that he is there. After prison. After all the other things ...

Thats what addict do. They suck you in. The addiction is in control. Is this any different than the first time?
A chance to for the boys to have a mom and a dad and to just have a normal family...of course.

Yes - it is much different than the first time. He holds a job, does not run the streets, is a father to the boys - very involved with their school work, etc.

It was not a bed of roses on my own - everything was not good just as now everything is not bad. It's just a different set of difficulties perhaps more intense than being a single mom. He keeps saying to please give him time - that this is a process for him...Maybe I should ask him how much time. I know I sound like a victim - but I don't want to be - I just want a healthy normal family.
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Old 11-11-2008, 12:03 PM
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He holds a job,
He came really close to losing the job last month
He didn't have to work yesterday and he stayed home getting high/drunk while I worked until 5:30.
I come down hard on him for spending too much money on alcohol, drugs.

Right now we are having EXTREME financial difficulties and have to share a car since we can't afford to put one of them in the shop.
we are 3 months behind on the mortgage along with about 8 bill collectors calling and utilities behind
I'm scared to death that we are going to lose everything because of his actions. I'm scared.
These are just a few excerpts from your post. I fail to see what part of this is normal healthy family life OR better than being a single mom.

You are worried about losing everything and you are declaring bankruptcy because of his drug and alcohol problems. And you still make excuses for him. And what's he doing?

He keeps saying to please give him time
You have every right to ask him how much time. Why wouldn't you? This is your future - your car, your house, your kids, that you are talking about.

What is this teaching your children? That this is normal family life?
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Old 11-11-2008, 12:51 PM
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Yes - it is much different than the first time. He holds a job, does not run the streets, is a father to the boys - very involved with their school work, etc.
So what is the problem then?
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Old 11-11-2008, 01:00 PM
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Originally Posted by deliverance View Post
He keeps saying to please give him time - that this is a process for him...Maybe I should ask him how much time.
Maybe you should tell HIM how much time he has. That's called setting boundaries, and it is how we all survive being near alcoholics without going out of our skulls.

That's why Al-Anon can be so helpful. That's where a lot of us have learned the skill.

You are not giving your kids a normal life. You have a person with female parts and a person with male parts, but that's as far as it goes. By setting no boundaries with your husband, you are dragging them down into poverty, exposing them to grave danger, exposing YOURSELF to danger, and modeling for your kids that it's okay to drink and drug and be irresponsible (if you're a man) and that you should put up with it all (if you're a woman.) Are those the lessons you want them to take to adulthood?

Step away from this and look at the big picture. Is this the life you want for them?
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Old 11-11-2008, 02:32 PM
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty View Post
These are just a few excerpts from your post. I fail to see what part of this is normal healthy family life OR better than being a single mom.

You are worried about losing everything and you are declaring bankruptcy because of his drug and alcohol problems. And you still make excuses for him. And what's he doing?



You have every right to ask him how much time. Why wouldn't you? This is your future - your car, your house, your kids, that you are talking about.

What is this teaching your children? That this is normal family life?
I never said this was normal family life. I said a normal family life is what I wished for..for me and our children. I just wanted to provide them with both parents for the first time in their lives. I was already in bad financial shape before we got married. There were other problems that contributed to where we are now.

I'm not making excuses for him. I'm just looking for hope and encouragement.
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Old 11-11-2008, 02:37 PM
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I found this letter very encouraging when faced with the possibility that my ex might choose drugs/alcohol over family/children. I just posted it for someone over in friends/family of addicts but the meaning is the same. The letter helped me to realize that my choice to leave my ex would help him in his recovery.

By the way, I'm not saying you need to leave your ex. I'm just saying that the most important thing is the health and wellbeing of your children and you, whether that comes in the form of a nuclear family or not. I'm just saying I left my ex and that it was the right choice for me and my son - and my ex even though he hasn't realized it yet.

IF you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out
to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so
I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so
that you can break the fall, (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of
me)

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me
walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the
pit....trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see
it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me,
trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault,
enabling me.....The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and
consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not
yours....the sooner I will arrive....and on time....just right where I need
to be...me, alone all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead...resist
the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square
one.

If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am
free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look
for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In
the beginning as I start to climb out....I just might slide back down, but
don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I
make it out safe and sound.

Don't you see?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me...I have to
do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever
supposed to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to
get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours.

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do
is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart and
from knowledge of what is best for me....but if you truly love me, let
me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good.
Don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly....nudge me out of your
safety net....trust the process and pray for me.....that one day I will not
only fly, but maybe even soar
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Old 11-11-2008, 02:38 PM
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Originally Posted by sslusser View Post
So what is the problem then?
I think I already went into the things I was concerned about. I appreciate your sarcasm and support.
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Old 11-11-2008, 06:05 PM
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you know you have a problem when you have a thread called "second time dealing with alcoholism".

*my attempt at sarcasm with this sick issue.
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