deliverance

I met my husband at a night club. We were young and both partiers. That was 12 years ago.

To make a long story as short as possible, I became pregnant by him not long after meeting him. We then lived together for 9 months until our first child was about 3 or 4 months old. Before we separated I was pregnant again with twins this time. I was only 23 at the time and desparately immature and had no idea what I was getting myself into. As you would expect the relationship did not work out and I wound up in a home for women and he wound up in prison for drug charges.

Fast forward 12 years. I've managed to get my life together for my sake and the boys (all 3 boys). The boys had been raised to this point by me alone with no involvement from their father. I decided that it was time they know who their father was about a year ago and wrote him in prison. (He had been living a crazy lifestyle all these years and in and out of prison).

For some reason after we met (he was out of prison in May 2007), we really connected and I seemed to just fall right back in love with him. We dated for a couple of months and then married. Since I've married him, I realized the depth of his addiction problems. For years, I never knew it was really that serious. I just thought he was in "party" mode all that time. I've never understood that it was a disease until now. I've studied, prayed, pleaded with him, cried to him, gotten angry with him, tried to put my foot down in certain areas, etc. etc., but he still continues to drink. I'm learning my own utter lack of control over his drinking and his urges to use marijuana (another of his addictions).


He indicates to me that he is basically self-medicating. He has "adult-add" and these substances slow his mind down and its the only method he knows of on how to cope with his racing mind and impulsive ways. He is not abusive in any way except sometimes it hurts me emotionally when he wants to go places and be around people that are clearly part of his disease. This is the hardest part to deal with even though he is not one to stay out all night and has never been home later than 10:00 - and this has only happened a few times. In my mind I tend to believe the only reason he doesn't go and stay out all night is because he knows there is a great chance his bags would be packed and at the door when he got in.

So far the other hardest part of this disease is just watching him self-destruct and abuse his body. He sits on the front porch for hours and hours, drinking, smoking, and playing online poker with his cell phone - completely detached from the rest of the family. He stays sweet and kind-hearted even when he is messed up (for the most part - although the alcohol has given occasion to boldness and ugliness towards me that he would not otherwise have had).

He tells me that he likes it when I put my foot down. He appreciates it when I come down hard on him for spending too much money on alcohol, drugs. Right now we are having EXTREME financial difficulties and have to share a car since we can't afford to put one of them in the shop. He does hold down a $10 an hour job in construction. He came really close to losing the job last month and this prompted him to attend AA for 13 meetings then he quit going when he listened to the lies of the disease again telling him he could drink like normal people.

He is currently on another binge. The binges usually last 3 or 4 days at least and then he'll take about a 2 day break.

We've only been married going on 8 months. I'm six months pregnant now with our 4th child - a girl this time.

I guess my question is I feel like if I don't talk to him when he is drunk, we will never be able to talk, because he usually is drunk. If I must wait until he is sober to be able to talk to him, then won't we grow distant and our marriage just fall apart? Sometimes I feel like he desparately wants someone to put their foot down and make him behave. Does that have to be me? How can it be me? I don't know how to do this. How can I put my foot down to a man? Every time I have done it, he tells me how much he appreciates it and how much his life has changed and how much more self-control he has when he is with me. If he needs me so much, then what will happen when he no longer needs me? When he gets well, (I'm praying he does) will he then leave since the basis of his love for me is his need for me it seems? Please remember that this man is not abusive toward me or the boys.(He is a very attentive and caring father) He is just very sick right now and he has told me he feels like he is in constant turmoil against himself - part of him wants to quit and just get well and never drink again, but the other part of him will not allow him to let go and learn other ways to cope.

Also, he has been seeing a therapist who has started him on medication, but it seems to me that the medication will have a very difficult time working as long as he keeps drinking. I've told him this but of course that does no good.

I'm sorry this is so long. It's really hard to read such long posts, but with this being my first post, I had alot to explain. Thank you for your time!!!