My other post was too long :sorry.
Simply put my AXBF and i broke up 5 months ago. it is my only real relationship. I am 23 years old, and hes the only serious boyfriend ive had. weve been off and on but ive never ever been able to get over him, and even when im with others, they just dont compare.
My AXBF was a good boyfriend for the most part but he was always wasted and i worried constantly. i was insecure about how he felt towards me even though he told me i was the love of his life etc. but i was obsessed, controlling nagging. he did not have a phone, would come over late, and i was codependent, clingy, and needy. i was super depressed and not fun. i resented even the good times we had. he was still trying to be a good boyfriend, and was, throughout all my craziness.
when we broke up, he wanted to be "friends" i felt like it is because he think there are girls out there that are better for him, and he wants to find them. This really hurts. It confirms what i thought about not being a good girlfriend. at one time, i probably was the love of his life and now i feel like ive pushed him away.
He wants to be friends- which hurts (!) that he views me as a friend. although word is that he is now "content" with us not being friends. i must say that although ive told him dont contact me dont contact dont contact me im still in love with you, i cant be friends with you etc. it HURTS that he doesnt contact me and has accepted it. A while ago he asked me to do "lunch" and when i said i wasnt there yet, he said he just wanted to do an innocent lunch sometime and if i changed my mind to let him know. It made me wonder if there was HOPE in him still wanting me, but my friends said that LUNCH is platonic and that he would not ask to go to lunch if he was interested in more??????
I feel rejected all over again, that he lost interest romantically, that he wants "innocent" lunches and friendship. I feel like hes going to find another girl who he has more fun with. or has much more of an interest in dating.
I know i shouldnt care, his business is his business but i am HURT, and the sorrow is overwhelming. I DO go to alannon, therapy, read about codependency, coda. BUT i just miss him so much and wonder if i couldve handled it, or if the fact that i wasnt a good girlfriend but DID care about him counts for anything.
I wonder today if i couldve dealt with it and if i could deal with it. one of the only views that stops me is that he will get worse (as he has no desire for treatment).
I cant get this view out that he is the one for me and that ill never meet anyone who makes me laugh as much or who i have that same special closeness/bond and chemistry with. he was my best friend for 8 years and we talked every day. now we dont talk at all, and i fear by cutting our communication lines i will indefinitely lose him. hell move on, accept it, but i will be still missing him as ive done for years.
