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I feel rejected by him

Old 11-05-2008, 09:27 PM
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I feel rejected by him

My other post was too long :sorry.

Simply put my AXBF and i broke up 5 months ago. it is my only real relationship. I am 23 years old, and hes the only serious boyfriend ive had. weve been off and on but ive never ever been able to get over him, and even when im with others, they just dont compare.

My AXBF was a good boyfriend for the most part but he was always wasted and i worried constantly. i was insecure about how he felt towards me even though he told me i was the love of his life etc. but i was obsessed, controlling nagging. he did not have a phone, would come over late, and i was codependent, clingy, and needy. i was super depressed and not fun. i resented even the good times we had. he was still trying to be a good boyfriend, and was, throughout all my craziness.

when we broke up, he wanted to be "friends" i felt like it is because he think there are girls out there that are better for him, and he wants to find them. This really hurts. It confirms what i thought about not being a good girlfriend. at one time, i probably was the love of his life and now i feel like ive pushed him away.

He wants to be friends- which hurts (!) that he views me as a friend. although word is that he is now "content" with us not being friends. i must say that although ive told him dont contact me dont contact dont contact me im still in love with you, i cant be friends with you etc. it HURTS that he doesnt contact me and has accepted it. A while ago he asked me to do "lunch" and when i said i wasnt there yet, he said he just wanted to do an innocent lunch sometime and if i changed my mind to let him know. It made me wonder if there was HOPE in him still wanting me, but my friends said that LUNCH is platonic and that he would not ask to go to lunch if he was interested in more??????


I feel rejected all over again, that he lost interest romantically, that he wants "innocent" lunches and friendship. I feel like hes going to find another girl who he has more fun with. or has much more of an interest in dating.

I know i shouldnt care, his business is his business but i am HURT, and the sorrow is overwhelming. I DO go to alannon, therapy, read about codependency, coda. BUT i just miss him so much and wonder if i couldve handled it, or if the fact that i wasnt a good girlfriend but DID care about him counts for anything.

I wonder today if i couldve dealt with it and if i could deal with it. one of the only views that stops me is that he will get worse (as he has no desire for treatment).

I cant get this view out that he is the one for me and that ill never meet anyone who makes me laugh as much or who i have that same special closeness/bond and chemistry with. he was my best friend for 8 years and we talked every day. now we dont talk at all, and i fear by cutting our communication lines i will indefinitely lose him. hell move on, accept it, but i will be still missing him as ive done for years.
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Old 11-06-2008, 11:17 AM
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Hm... you're 23, it's been 8 years. Doing the math, that puts you together at the ripe age of 15 for you.

Now that you're "single," you're feeling the life of an individual, and realizing on some level that you have never been alone, never developed yourself as an individual, or as an adult. I suspect you feel he's the only one for you because he's all you've ever known. How on earth would you ever know if he's "the one" if you have no other experience?

I found that the only way to free myself of all tlhe crazies that I thought were brought about by things in relationships that "if only" would happen is to take a break from obsessing on the relationship and find out what it was inside me or lacking inside me that made me feel the need to obsess. And for me, the only way to do this work was outside the noise of a relationship, particularly a relationship with an addict with arrested development and lack of life coping skills other than substances and manipulation of enablers.

It hurts, to be in that scary place where you are all that's left, and you have no idea who you are; I remember it.

Good job for reaching out and looking around for answers! Keep looking, and don't be afraid to try new and different things! You might just stumble across something waaaaaaaaaaay better!

CLMI
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Old 11-06-2008, 01:28 PM
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Hi, genrs123,

I'd like to hear more about you...
What is this guy going to miss out on by not being in a relationship with you?
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Old 11-06-2008, 05:28 PM
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Originally Posted by genrs123 View Post
My AXBF was a good boyfriend for the most part but he was always wasted and i worried constantly.
I am going to ask this as gently as possible......Why would you want to be with someone that is wasted all the time? How is being wasted all the time being a good boyfriend, when he knew it caused you pain and worry? Good friends don't intentionally hurt each other. I wish I had reached out for help when I was 23 and dealing with my now X husband. We had an 18 year marriage. He liked to get wasted a lot too and I thought, when I was 23, that he would grow out of it. For years, I thought to myself, "Geez, dealing with him is like dealing with a 13 year old." Then I found out through my counselor and reading that people that get wasted all the time as teens get stunted emotionally. Well my X, started partying around age 13-14.

I know it hurts to break up. I know this because I just broke up my family. I am devastated and so are my precious kids. As for my X ....he is jumping from woman to woman one of which was 23 and he is almost 50. I know I will heal and I already am doing better. The good days are more than the grief filled ones now.

I can tell you care about yourself because you posted here. You have found a great place and you are wise to be reaching out. Read around and you'll find a lot of really sad stories, lots of devastation, and remarkable stories of incredible recovery from the insanity of alcoholism.
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