Donna, I always get a lot out of your posts. You do have a lot to share with us.
DK, I struggled for a very long time until I committed myself to a program. As you know, for me it was SMART Recovery. Until I decided to really work the program, attend online meetings, work the tools daily etc, I was not able to actually enter recovery. I would stay clean for a bit, and then use again. A vicious cycle. I had to learn to change my thinking. Its not enough for me to read and try to apply what I read. I have to work the program.
This is just my personal ESH.