our stories disclose in a general way...
You sound a lot like me. Thankfully my bottom came and got me when I least expected it.
I was living precariously, exceeding expectations at work but dreading going home every day and living in constant fear that it would all come to an end. No wife, no kids, no family...just me to be accountable to, and I wasn't a very good parent to myself.
Also, I drank every night. Wine. Usually two double bottles of red before I passed out. I always woke up for work, though I was always hungover. Every day I resolved to stop, only to find myself drinking again by 6:30. I believed that I chose to drink, although I seemed utterly incapable of ever choosing not to drink. So was I powerless?
When out and about with friends or work colleagues, I found I could control my drinking in order to not get fired or to keep up appearances. I was living a double life. My best friend said to me, "you're not an alcoholic" a month before I stopped drinking. What he didn't know is that I would go home after being out with him, buy a couple of six packs, and wake up in a pool of my own urine the morning after. This went on for about five years.
I laughed in the face of the one person I knew in A.A. who suggested I give it a try. I knew all about AA and wanted nothing to do with God or powerlessness. I could have saved myself about $25,000.
My liver and all other functions were perfectly normal when I had them checked about a month before I hit bottom.
Thankfully I went on vacation last August and managed to get arrested three times in four days for drunken & disorderly conduct. In a blackout, I assaulted the policemen that questioned me. I ended up in the county jail. No one knew I was there, I wasn't allowed to make a phone call. My eyes stung from the pepper spray and my shoulder was dislocated from being subdued.
Obviously, they didn't know who I was. That was it, and I am grateful that happened, otherwise I would have ended up like my dad: dead at 50 years old.
So that's my story. Something about yours felt familiar, but I could be totally wrong.
I am sober today (13 months) through inpatient rehab and working the AA program. I'm an atheist.