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it's a lot harder to quit when you are functional

Old 10-25-2008, 12:49 PM
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it's a lot harder to quit when you are functional

i almost wish i would hit bottom. i haven't lost a job or anything. infact i got promoted this year and consistently get good reviews for my job performance despite the fact that i'm hungover all the time. the only thing suffering is my body, liver function tests are 5 times the normal range but even if i die, i don't have a wife/kids to worry about. mom gets life insurance and life goes on.

i don't believe in AA because i believe that i choose to drink, it's hard not to but it's still my decision to go to the store but this forum has a lot of activity so thats why im posting here. add to that that i'm agnostic and it makes AA almost impossible but i'm considering choosing my higher power to be a lucky rock that i found 15 years ago when i was a kid and scared and it made me feel better. that's not logical at all... is that insane? probably, but so is alcoholism.

are there any other agnostic/atheist people here who have found a higher power that's not spiritual? and if you were a functional alcoholic, what made you stop? this is probably a repost but i'm too tired to search.
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Old 10-25-2008, 01:01 PM
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well...i don't believe in "god" my higher power is the law of cause and effect...have some other ones that i use too. and i actually am also in aa.

I was a "high functioning alchoholic" had a job that paid well and that i went to drunk when i went. I never got lower than an "exceeds expectations" on my reviews.

My "bottom" was not the fear of dying (or I would have got sober several years earlier) it was the fear of having to live for maybe years and years and feel the way I was feeling.

Hope that helps...and check out the secular threads too.
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Old 10-25-2008, 01:07 PM
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didn't see the secular section, sorry. thanks for the reply.
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Old 10-25-2008, 01:09 PM
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Hey....its ok and totally appropriete to post in this area...in fact it gets more trafic so a good idea

just wanted you to know that is available too.
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Old 10-25-2008, 01:36 PM
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Hi again...

Here is a list of recovery programs for you to explore

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

I found my mind was the organ most affected
by my drinking....apparently yours is the liver.
Has your doctor suggested that you stop drinking?

I noticed my mental state improved rather quickly
with sobriety....and I know that can happen to
liver problems as well.
The sooner you quit....the easier it is to regenerate.
I suggest you Google for facts.

I did quit while I had all the trimmings of success.
My bottom was situational depression.

Keep posting...you are not alone....
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Old 10-25-2008, 01:42 PM
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yep, two doctors told me to stop drinking. interestingly enough, one of the counselors i saw told me that your weakest organ is the one most affected by alcohol. makes senses. my stomach was always a problem and is affected and now my liver.

you know, people post the same threads over and over, it's the same ol same ol. you guys are pretty good to keep going and put up with it.
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Old 10-25-2008, 01:44 PM
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Here is the link to Secular Connections

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...r-connections/

And of corse...you may use both Forums if you want.

Glad you are here on SR...
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Old 10-25-2008, 02:42 PM
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our stories disclose in a general way...

You sound a lot like me. Thankfully my bottom came and got me when I least expected it.

I was living precariously, exceeding expectations at work but dreading going home every day and living in constant fear that it would all come to an end. No wife, no kids, no family...just me to be accountable to, and I wasn't a very good parent to myself.

Also, I drank every night. Wine. Usually two double bottles of red before I passed out. I always woke up for work, though I was always hungover. Every day I resolved to stop, only to find myself drinking again by 6:30. I believed that I chose to drink, although I seemed utterly incapable of ever choosing not to drink. So was I powerless?

When out and about with friends or work colleagues, I found I could control my drinking in order to not get fired or to keep up appearances. I was living a double life. My best friend said to me, "you're not an alcoholic" a month before I stopped drinking. What he didn't know is that I would go home after being out with him, buy a couple of six packs, and wake up in a pool of my own urine the morning after. This went on for about five years.

I laughed in the face of the one person I knew in A.A. who suggested I give it a try. I knew all about AA and wanted nothing to do with God or powerlessness. I could have saved myself about $25,000.

My liver and all other functions were perfectly normal when I had them checked about a month before I hit bottom.

Thankfully I went on vacation last August and managed to get arrested three times in four days for drunken & disorderly conduct. In a blackout, I assaulted the policemen that questioned me. I ended up in the county jail. No one knew I was there, I wasn't allowed to make a phone call. My eyes stung from the pepper spray and my shoulder was dislocated from being subdued.

Obviously, they didn't know who I was. That was it, and I am grateful that happened, otherwise I would have ended up like my dad: dead at 50 years old.

So that's my story. Something about yours felt familiar, but I could be totally wrong.

I am sober today (13 months) through inpatient rehab and working the AA program. I'm an atheist.
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Old 10-25-2008, 02:43 PM
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I consider myself agnostic but AA has worked for me. I may have chosen to drink but there did come a day when the power of choice was lost once I picked up the first drink. I was a functional alcoholic. I too got awards and promotions at work, owned a home, and raised three children. I sought a solution because my bottom was that I was living a lie. The world that others saw was functional but the world I lived in was not. I hated being in my own skin, I felt like I was an actress, that no one knew the real me and if they did they would not like me anymore, the thought of facing a life without drinking was frightening. That was my bottom and internal bottom not external but just as real and as effective to get me to stop drinking.
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Old 10-25-2008, 02:52 PM
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i almost wish i would hit bottom
Many people I know in AA - lost their families, in and out of jail most of their lives (violent crimes when drunk), near death health issues, lost their homes and life savings, physically addicted to alcohol (convulsions when they stopped drinking)...I am so grateful that I decided to take action before I hit that kind of bottom.

and if you were a functional alcoholic, what made you stop?
About to lose my job, about to lose my family, mental health hanging by a thread...a moment of clarity - "This behaviour is insane and I have to stop. I can't stop on my own and I need help". 10 months sober, life is good.
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Old 10-25-2008, 03:26 PM
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Originally Posted by eemag71 View Post
if you were a functional alcoholic, what made you stop?
I was "Functional" in every sense. That's because I got the luxury of providing my own definition of "Functional"
Sure I could bring home a paycheck and it had been 22 years since my last DUI so I was OK.
I didn't get a DUI because I had become a recluse and hid in my home. I could bring home a check because my job was all I had in life. My wife and kids had written me off and divorce was imminant. Thank God I had a good job because it provided good insurance so the Doctor could treat all my ulcers.
Basically, I could keep a job. My wife and Kids didn't like me much, I had no life whatsoever. I was dying from Alcoholism and nobody seemed to care.
But I was "Functional"
I also didn't believe in God! I didn't believe because there wasn't a burning bush to tell me that God lived. God's alive and well if you look for him.
Anyway I'm off to a meeting.
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Old 10-25-2008, 04:40 PM
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You don't have to lose material things to "hit bottom".

I never got a DUI, lost a house, lost a job, lost a spouse, or anything like that.

But I had to drink, even when I didn't want to. And I couldn't stop drinking, even when I wanted to stop. And regardless of how I tried to control my drinking, I couldn't control it.

After so many failures from so many attempts to be "normal", the demoralization increased exponentially.

Eventually it got to the point that I didn't want to live, if I couldn't live sober. But I didn't believe I could live sober. It was a tossup between reaching out for help and suicide.

So yeah, you could say I didn't "hit bottom" materialistically. But I hit bottom emotionally.

Glad you're here -- keep coming back. You don't have to drink anymore if you don't want to.
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Old 10-25-2008, 05:46 PM
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wow, thank you so much for the replies. they bring up some things i had not thought about.

gravity: nice avatar, i'm going to see NIN 11/1.
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Old 10-25-2008, 06:37 PM
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I lost everything and because I was still young when I got sober, I had never really been able to gain anything because of my drinking/drug use.

Personally, I have no idea how one can own a computer and be a drinking alcoholic. It is the same with me and work. I have no idea how an alcoholic can keep a job etc... As I was unable to do any of that stuff. My lifestyle evolved around drinking and drugs, and there was no room for anything else.

The one thing I do know about bottoms is everyone's is different but it feels the same. It's not being able to imagine a life with alcohol or without it. AA describes it as the jumping off point.
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Old 10-25-2008, 07:01 PM
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The funny thing about bottoms is, you never know when one will surprise you I thought I was a super lucky alcoholic and hit what people call an internal bottom- nothing exterior had fallen apart. Well, fast forward a month after my sobriety date and sh!t from the last year hit the fan. Now I have a whopping big exterior situation to deal with. I'm still a lucky alcoholic though, it would have been worse had I still been drinking and unable to cope with these consequences in a productive way.

I'm an atheist. I am working AA. I believe it is saving my life.
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Old 10-25-2008, 09:54 PM
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I think the whole concept of functional drunk is crap. So I never got a DUI, divorce or lost a job, my kids still talk to me and I make a good living. But the longer I am sober the more I view the time spent drinking as lost. Time settling for less. Time not pursuing goals or dreams. Time focused on my addiction instead of my family. That may be functioning but its not functioning at my best. I have little doubt if I had continued to drink all the horrors were in my future, and they still could be if I chose to drink again.

As for your beliefs and AA, there are plenty of people there that chose to not follow religion.

Good Luck
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Old 10-26-2008, 07:27 AM
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Pink, you nailed it for me. I was "functional" too, but looking back, BOY was I delusional! Sure I have a great job, great fam, great spouse, material posessions yada blah, but that is only stuff outside of myself. I was, and still am, very dysfunctional inside.

As for AA, I am an athiest. I find for now that the higher power part is the strength I find in the group... the love of my family.. the desire to be free from the burdon of alcohol. As I've heard on many posts about reluctance and AA.. try it, take what you want leave the rest. It's a much better place to be for that one hour of your day than most places! Not many other places I can go and feel supported, loved, and most of all.. understood. I haven't even said a word yet, I'm just being a sponge and soaking in everything I find to be motivational, helpful and supportive. Kinda like coming here
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Old 10-26-2008, 08:22 AM
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Originally Posted by eemag71 View Post
i almost wish i would hit bottom. i haven't lost a job or anything. infact i got promoted this year and consistently get good reviews for my job performance despite the fact that i'm hungover all the time.

I was also what you would call a functional alcoholic. Had an excellent paying job, earned regular promotions, was well respected by my colleagues, worked lots of hours . . . but I was miserable. Hated the job and all the cr@p that went along with it and drank my way through it. I told myself that I needed and deserved to drink after working 50-60 hours a week. I lived my life in one of two states of mind: I was either drunk or I was hungover.


Originally Posted by eemag71 View Post
i don't believe in AA because i believe that i choose to drink, it's hard not to but it's still my decision to go to the store but this forum has a lot of activity so thats why im posting here. add to that that i'm agnostic and it makes AA almost impossible but i'm considering choosing my higher power to be a lucky rock that i found 15 years ago when i was a kid and scared and it made me feel better. that's not logical at all... is that insane? probably, but so is alcoholism.

are there any other agnostic/atheist people here who have found a higher power that's not spiritual? and if you were a functional alcoholic, what made you stop? this is probably a repost but i'm too tired to search.

I also chose to drink. Every morning I swore I wasn't going to drink and every day I got home from work and the first thing I did was to make the decision to open another bottle. I believe that's what alcoholics do.

I almost didn't go to AA because I was an athiest. A very wise man with 37 years of sobriety said to me, "Don't let the fact that you don't believe in God get in the way of your being sober." He was right and I held onto that statement for a long, long time. I still hold onto what he said to me. I'll hold onto anything that keeps me sober.

I was so tired of my life that I decided to go to AA and become a sober woman no matter what. Every time I heard someone share about God or their Higher Power, I was angry, annoyed, jealous, frustrated, sad . . . . and none of those feelings changed the way I felt. I still didn't believe in God but I wanted to be sober more than anything else I could imagine.

It found it difficult to share in meetings that I didn't believe in God. People were trying to be helpful when they said "Fake it till you make it" or "You have to find a HP or you'll drink again" or "You can use the tree that was in my sponsor's back yard until you find a Higher Power of your understanding."

All of that just made me angrier.

I can't fake. I am who I am and I'm not capable of being insincere enough to fake what I don't believe. I couldn't believe in the tree in her sponsor's back yard. Having to fake a belief in God was the one thing I could imagine that would have sent me running right back to drinking again.

I used to think, "'What if I was to say, 'My program believes that you have to stop believing in God or you'll drink again?'" Was that enough to make someone else stop believing in God? Would they be able to fake it until they make it? No. They wouldn't be able to do that any more than I was able to put my faith in a God I had no relationship with.

It took five years before I came to terms with the fact that it was OK for me to feel the way I did. But I kept going to AA and I was still sober.

After a lot of soul searching, my Higher Power became the spark that I believe came at the very beginning of time and created everything that is here today and everything that came before. I have no idea where that spark came from and I don't need to know. The Universe and all of its' beauty is my Higher Power.

So use your Rock. Use whatever it takes for you to stop drinking and become a sober person. Don't let your belief that you "choose to drink" or that you are an athiest get in the way of being sober.

I could think of a hundred excuses to keep drinking but I couldn't think of one good reason. I'm betting you can't think of one good reason either.
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Old 10-26-2008, 08:40 AM
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Wow... kinda suprised at the number of non-theists on this thread that are in AA. I've never met one at a meeting who was openly secular, atleast not in MT or Eastern WA. I've been to quite a few meetings, and more often than not, the discussion seems to center around theistic concepts that I don't believe in, much like the ones on the 12-Step Alcoholism Support forum here at SR. How does one share about something they don't believe in?
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Old 10-26-2008, 09:11 AM
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I find that I share about the underlying expereince that people are using the word god and thier spiritual terms to describe. Although in once sense words matter in another sense they don't. OK...i know...its one of the paradoxes I have to learn to live with....life is p8aradox
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