I gave up, after numerous freebie, craving-free weeks. This past week the cravings hit full force, though, and tonight I didn't resist at all.
Long story short: After I drank at the party, I sat down on a curve, and held my head in my hands. I saw this image of myself, asking me: "So it's just you and me now. Are you willing to do it?"
I'm used to effortlessness. Right now, I don't have a job, I'm barely keeping up with my long overdue classes, taking a colourful variety of meds that supposedly consolidate my mental health and sobriety, I'm hooked on cigarettes that fill a void, and basically take everything for granted, including my family and friends. When I decided to get sober for good 15 weeks ago, I had no cravings whatsoever, so I just coasted along with a relieved smile. That's the way things tend to be in my life: simply handed to me, implying no hard work whatsoever.
When I was a kid, my Grandmother used to say that I could charm the devil into doing whatever I pleased. That comment is obviously untrue, but it's not quite off the mark either. It set the stage for the way my life would be like, at least in appearance: seemingly sunny, filled with silver spoons, and requiring no effort. At all. So, yup, I'm just a Self-injuring martyr, now ignore those goddamn clouds... How's
that for a martyr statement!
There is one thing - maybe the only thing - I'm proud of: I have tried my very best to never,
ever, hurt anyone. Except for one notable exception, this is something I have excelled at. It's not that I try to be a "good person" or some other half assed notion along those lines. It's just the way I am. But:
maybe it's time to challenge that notion as well.
I have hurt others unintentionally.
And I've also hurt myself.
What am I going to do differently this time around?
Well... ABSOLUTELY
EVERYTHING.
... there is a bigger picture, right?
