Why I am here
Four days ago my husband found a half bottle of whiskey in my bag. The disappointment on his face was so painful for me, you see its the not the first time he has found me drinking in secret.
Bottles stashed around the house, finding me drunk out of my skull over and over again. Each time I promised I was dealing with it, that it was a one off, that I had drunk too much wine. We used to joke about 'the state I was in last night' then it became so regular that silence replaced the morning after banter.
He is still under the impression that I only 'binged' once a week, got drunk maybe twice a week. He has no idea that I was actually putting away anything between a half and whole bottle of whiskey a day.
We have three kids, 4. 6 and 12 years old. I am ashamed to say that I have driven with them in the car whilst over the limit. Not drunk, but over the limit. And I have driven alone whilst drunk on several occasions. I started to have regular blackouts, and collapsed a couple of times too. Waking up in the morning with UDI's (unidentified drinking injuries) was becoming a regular occurrence, and I recently passed out in the bedroom, crashing to the floor with such a thud that my daughter and husband came running to see what had happened, and found me semi clothed trying to get into bed.
I hid my drinking from my family, keeping a half size bottle on my person when we went out, maintaining the buzz all day. Those were good days, bad days were when I had a whole bottle in the house (I tried to limit myself to only buying a half bottle each day - because if I have it, I drink it) I can take my drink, god knows I have had years of conditioning, so half a bottle of whiskey and a couple of glasses of wine and I would appear tipsy, but when I had a whole bottle in the house, that's when things started to get really messy.
I knew I had a problem and each day I would swear not to drink again, usually by lunchtime my resolve had gone and I was off out to the shops to buy more alcohol. I'd usually have had several drinks before picking the kids up from school. Fortunately we walk to and from school.
The reason I am here is because I want to stop destroying myself and hurting my family. I know that I can do this, eight years ago I kicked a very bad cocaine habit. Drinking has always been part of my life, but the last four years have involved daily drinking, and the last two years have been whiskey.
I want to respect myself and love myself again. Not wake up each day full of shame and remorse. I want to make my husband proud of me again, I want to be here for my children in the future.
I am now four days sober. The cravings started yesterday afternoon. I am lucky in that I live in a very small village - I have to drive 20 minutes to reach the first shop that sells alcohol. My husband is here for me, he knows I am serious this time, he has just phoned and said he is near the supermarket, do we need anything. He knows that if I go into town, I will struggle with my demon, the whiskey and wine will be there on the supermarket shelf and the demon will probably win. He is trying to help me.
I know as I type this, that if I saw a bottle of whiskey now, I would buy it, and drink it all.