lauramac

Four days ago my husband found a half bottle of whiskey in my bag. The disappointment on his face was so painful for me, you see its the not the first time he has found me drinking in secret.

Bottles stashed around the house, finding me drunk out of my skull over and over again. Each time I promised I was dealing with it, that it was a one off, that I had drunk too much wine. We used to joke about 'the state I was in last night' then it became so regular that silence replaced the morning after banter.

He is still under the impression that I only 'binged' once a week, got drunk maybe twice a week. He has no idea that I was actually putting away anything between a half and whole bottle of whiskey a day.

We have three kids, 4. 6 and 12 years old. I am ashamed to say that I have driven with them in the car whilst over the limit. Not drunk, but over the limit. And I have driven alone whilst drunk on several occasions. I started to have regular blackouts, and collapsed a couple of times too. Waking up in the morning with UDI's (unidentified drinking injuries) was becoming a regular occurrence, and I recently passed out in the bedroom, crashing to the floor with such a thud that my daughter and husband came running to see what had happened, and found me semi clothed trying to get into bed.

I hid my drinking from my family, keeping a half size bottle on my person when we went out, maintaining the buzz all day. Those were good days, bad days were when I had a whole bottle in the house (I tried to limit myself to only buying a half bottle each day - because if I have it, I drink it) I can take my drink, god knows I have had years of conditioning, so half a bottle of whiskey and a couple of glasses of wine and I would appear tipsy, but when I had a whole bottle in the house, that's when things started to get really messy.

I knew I had a problem and each day I would swear not to drink again, usually by lunchtime my resolve had gone and I was off out to the shops to buy more alcohol. I'd usually have had several drinks before picking the kids up from school. Fortunately we walk to and from school.

The reason I am here is because I want to stop destroying myself and hurting my family. I know that I can do this, eight years ago I kicked a very bad cocaine habit. Drinking has always been part of my life, but the last four years have involved daily drinking, and the last two years have been whiskey.

I want to respect myself and love myself again. Not wake up each day full of shame and remorse. I want to make my husband proud of me again, I want to be here for my children in the future.

I am now four days sober. The cravings started yesterday afternoon. I am lucky in that I live in a very small village - I have to drive 20 minutes to reach the first shop that sells alcohol. My husband is here for me, he knows I am serious this time, he has just phoned and said he is near the supermarket, do we need anything. He knows that if I go into town, I will struggle with my demon, the whiskey and wine will be there on the supermarket shelf and the demon will probably win. He is trying to help me.

I know as I type this, that if I saw a bottle of whiskey now, I would buy it, and drink it all.

lauramac

You guys are obviously having a great time there by yourselves. Thankyou. Your responses have strengthened my resolve. The last thing in the world that I want to be is like you. Drunk.

Cathy31

Laura
You are so right, I am so glad those 'people' posted...that's what alcohol does to us...

I could so relate to your post...I know the feeling so well, promising 'not to' and then going down the supermarket aisle as if on autopilot.

Please take time to read all the posts here - so many of us have recovered. AA is what got me to stop - and have a really beautiful life and so many other things. I know it will work for you if you work it - if you are really ready to quit and do good by yourself - then google aa in devon - there are tons of meetings in the UK.

And it WORKS.

Good luck and welcome!!!!

Cathy31
x

lauramac

To put some context around this message - I posted it in response to some offensive messages from site visitors who have since been removed (along with their offensive messages).

TorontoGuy28

Hi Laura !

Please check this out : Alcoholics Anonymous UK Newcomers

It's a link to an eye openeing video from aa in UK, there are also some tools on their website that can help.

Drinking is a progressive disease, and I can relate to some of the points your brought up.

Be good to yourself.

Stubborn1

It's wonderful you have a support person. Can he drive you to meetings so you can learn new coping skills? Since this has been so long for you, you need to relive how to get through life again without drinking. Give yourself time to heal and for the poison to get out of your body. Find something else to keep your mind going. Your brain needs fuel so read books, get into a hobby.......anything that doesn't give you time to hear those "I want a drink" voices.
You have the want and that's wonderful. So just for today be strong and do not drink. Stay busy.

Ananda

LauraMac....I'm glad you are here.

Please keep coming here....sorry for whatever it was that got posted...I missed it.

You will find many like you here....I'm off to work but look forward to knowing you better!

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Hi Laura and welcome!

lauramac

Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement, and Torontoguy28 for the AA video link. I am going to look into Devon AA Meetings for sure. I thought I could handle this alone but today has been really hard, the last hour has been hell. All I want to do is drink, its all I can think about. I've cleaned the house from top to bottom trying to keep busy. I have just over an hour until I pick the kids up from school, then they will keep me busy until husband gets home. Usually by now I would have got into the car, and gone and bought alcohol. In fact usually by now I would have had several drinks and be buzzing.

My head hurts too, this is the longest I have been without a drink for three years. I two days ago I thought that this was going to be easy - no cravings, no withdrawl, but I guess that now I am on day four of sobriety my body has finally realised something is missing.

CarolD

Hi Everyone...
Some replies were removed from this thread
as they were in violation of our SR posting rules.

CarolD

Laura...Mega
Erlvome to our SR Alcoholism Forum

Please see if this link helps...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Blessings to you and your family

Jomey

Hi Laura - Welcome! Glad you are here! Jomey

Harley3801

I'm so sorry that happened to you, Lauramac. These boards really are a supportive place to be so it's unfortunate that you had to bear the brunt of someone else's "stuff". We also have a Women's Forum with good sobriety there. Post here and join us on the Women's Forum as well.

The cravings will subside and your body will adjust to not pouring alcohol into it . . . . Just do this a day (or a minute or an hour or whatever it takes) at a time . . . . you'll never regret not drinking. Welcome to SR!

Tazman53

Welcome to SR Laura, I was going to reply to you yesterday, but the trolls really had the boards messed up.

SR is a great place I have found for on line support, AA saved this old alcoholics life, check out several meetings several times, not all AA meetings are the same, as a result you may go to one and not find what you want or need and go to the next one and find everything you need.

Stay in touch.

Stubborn1

Todays another day........I have you in my thoughts today from one mommy to another. Hold your head up with pride.....you are doing this.

lauramac

Well I have made it to day 5, and have worked out that my worst time of day for craving alcohol is around 2pm. Today I got as far as grabbing the car keys before I talked myself out of going to buy whiskey.

I still have a constant headache, but I guess that is my head clearing for the first time in years (or four years worth of hangover!) The weekend is going to be hard work, that's when I usually drink the most, a whole bottle a day, so I guess my cravings are going to pretty bad tomorrow. Husband has planned an action filled weekend for us with the kids so I will not have time to even think about drinking.

I feel really proud of myself, and actually like myself for the first time in ages. Everyone at SR is so supportive, and reading how similar are experiences are and how others have succeeded in staying sober has given me so much strength.

RufusACanal

lauramac,

Welcome to SR and congrats on day five. If you are like me, you will need to take some action soon to learn more about Alcoholism and how to live without Alcohol. Over in the Alcoholism - Twelve Step forum there are links to threads on AA's Steps. Please check out Step One and may I suggest as well that you get to a meeting as soon as possible. Best to you and your New Life.

Boleo

It might be a good idea if you were attend some sort of social gathering around 2pm. Check to see if there are any AA meetings in your area around that time.