four812

gosh did these things fill my mind yesterday. I was filled with anger. i was just an angry person. primed to get even more into it, i let someone at work even fuel it more.

but the people in my life today, have nothing to do with my current experience of anger. it all has to do with me. with my childhood. with my failures in life.

it's good to know all that, but knowing is not enough. It's good to be aware of the anger when it comes up, but still i have to go beyond noticing it too.

first I have to let it go. when i hang on to my anger I am stuck in the trap of self centered selfishness and i am stuck in my lower earthly self. not that my lower earthly self is bad, there is much beauty in all that as well. but i have the desire to branch out today. i want to experience my higher self; my god self. it's in me somewhere. sometimes it seems as if it's just a little flicker of light and then it is only hope that can lead me to it.

i've been angry at the world, it seems, my whole life. but the anger is at myself. i'm angry at the sexuality that was injected into my life when i was 9. i'm angry at the coach who preyed upon me, and set me up over the course of a few years, and gave me my first taste of alchol and of it's effects, and who finally started touching me. i'm angry at myself for not screaming for help, too afraid.

i've been angry at god. and i've been angry at having to live without having any idea of why we are here, how we came to be, and what will happen. my ego wants all the answers and because it don't know them i get angry.

then with that anger in me i mull over it. obsess on it. ruminate. i re-live the anger over and over in my mind. and this is resentment. I get re-angry at someone who perhaps i met just one time 20 years ago, and then go into imagination an conjur up the experience of wishing that i had killed that person because they got one up on me or something.

inside of me, a theme of my life (something that has occurred over and over), is the lingering sense of spitefullness to every person that i come in contact with sometimes. i do things to spite them perhaps, but mostly i think about things to spite them. oh my brain can be a circus

summing this up: i am filled with petty thinking all the time.

and that is ok. this is all ok. and it is good right now, this moment, to be expanding my consciousness about this anger and exploring it so that i can move into a more spiritual and loving sense of being.

so today, my goal is to stay clean today. that is my goal. thinking about anger and this writing is a tool to help me do that. being at work right now is the structure that i must work within while creating the reality of achieving my goal.

I will continue to focus on my goal, my only goal today. i will pay attention to my breathing, slowly breathing in and out and noticing that i am breathing; embracing the wonder that comes when i think about where even my breath comes from. I will be mindful, more and more, of the continual choices that i make every time that i breath. with the opportunity to do the next right thing today a hundred or a thousand times, I truly have a treasure che4st of possibility before me at 7 in the morning.