anger, resenthament, spite, and petty thinking
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
anger, resenthament, spite, and petty thinking
gosh did these things fill my mind yesterday. I was filled with anger. i was just an angry person. primed to get even more into it, i let someone at work even fuel it more.
but the people in my life today, have nothing to do with my current experience of anger. it all has to do with me. with my childhood. with my failures in life.
it's good to know all that, but knowing is not enough. It's good to be aware of the anger when it comes up, but still i have to go beyond noticing it too.
first I have to let it go. when i hang on to my anger I am stuck in the trap of self centered selfishness and i am stuck in my lower earthly self. not that my lower earthly self is bad, there is much beauty in all that as well. but i have the desire to branch out today. i want to experience my higher self; my god self. it's in me somewhere. sometimes it seems as if it's just a little flicker of light and then it is only hope that can lead me to it.
i've been angry at the world, it seems, my whole life. but the anger is at myself. i'm angry at the sexuality that was injected into my life when i was 9. i'm angry at the coach who preyed upon me, and set me up over the course of a few years, and gave me my first taste of alchol and of it's effects, and who finally started touching me. i'm angry at myself for not screaming for help, too afraid.
i've been angry at god. and i've been angry at having to live without having any idea of why we are here, how we came to be, and what will happen. my ego wants all the answers and because it don't know them i get angry.
then with that anger in me i mull over it. obsess on it. ruminate. i re-live the anger over and over in my mind. and this is resentment. I get re-angry at someone who perhaps i met just one time 20 years ago, and then go into imagination an conjur up the experience of wishing that i had killed that person because they got one up on me or something.
inside of me, a theme of my life (something that has occurred over and over), is the lingering sense of spitefullness to every person that i come in contact with sometimes. i do things to spite them perhaps, but mostly i think about things to spite them. oh my brain can be a circus
summing this up: i am filled with petty thinking all the time.
and that is ok. this is all ok. and it is good right now, this moment, to be expanding my consciousness about this anger and exploring it so that i can move into a more spiritual and loving sense of being.
so today, my goal is to stay clean today. that is my goal. thinking about anger and this writing is a tool to help me do that. being at work right now is the structure that i must work within while creating the reality of achieving my goal.
I will continue to focus on my goal, my only goal today. i will pay attention to my breathing, slowly breathing in and out and noticing that i am breathing; embracing the wonder that comes when i think about where even my breath comes from. I will be mindful, more and more, of the continual choices that i make every time that i breath. with the opportunity to do the next right thing today a hundred or a thousand times, I truly have a treasure che4st of possibility before me at 7 in the morning.
but the people in my life today, have nothing to do with my current experience of anger. it all has to do with me. with my childhood. with my failures in life.
it's good to know all that, but knowing is not enough. It's good to be aware of the anger when it comes up, but still i have to go beyond noticing it too.
first I have to let it go. when i hang on to my anger I am stuck in the trap of self centered selfishness and i am stuck in my lower earthly self. not that my lower earthly self is bad, there is much beauty in all that as well. but i have the desire to branch out today. i want to experience my higher self; my god self. it's in me somewhere. sometimes it seems as if it's just a little flicker of light and then it is only hope that can lead me to it.
i've been angry at the world, it seems, my whole life. but the anger is at myself. i'm angry at the sexuality that was injected into my life when i was 9. i'm angry at the coach who preyed upon me, and set me up over the course of a few years, and gave me my first taste of alchol and of it's effects, and who finally started touching me. i'm angry at myself for not screaming for help, too afraid.
i've been angry at god. and i've been angry at having to live without having any idea of why we are here, how we came to be, and what will happen. my ego wants all the answers and because it don't know them i get angry.
then with that anger in me i mull over it. obsess on it. ruminate. i re-live the anger over and over in my mind. and this is resentment. I get re-angry at someone who perhaps i met just one time 20 years ago, and then go into imagination an conjur up the experience of wishing that i had killed that person because they got one up on me or something.
inside of me, a theme of my life (something that has occurred over and over), is the lingering sense of spitefullness to every person that i come in contact with sometimes. i do things to spite them perhaps, but mostly i think about things to spite them. oh my brain can be a circus
summing this up: i am filled with petty thinking all the time.
and that is ok. this is all ok. and it is good right now, this moment, to be expanding my consciousness about this anger and exploring it so that i can move into a more spiritual and loving sense of being.
so today, my goal is to stay clean today. that is my goal. thinking about anger and this writing is a tool to help me do that. being at work right now is the structure that i must work within while creating the reality of achieving my goal.
I will continue to focus on my goal, my only goal today. i will pay attention to my breathing, slowly breathing in and out and noticing that i am breathing; embracing the wonder that comes when i think about where even my breath comes from. I will be mindful, more and more, of the continual choices that i make every time that i breath. with the opportunity to do the next right thing today a hundred or a thousand times, I truly have a treasure che4st of possibility before me at 7 in the morning.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
Good morning Ksplash...crazy sometimes the thoughts that pop into our heads.
I will tell you that there have been times when I have obsessed over an incident in my past, but lashing out at others is never a good thing.
I do try to keep in mind a phrase I heard in aa...some are sicker than others...this includes non-alcoholics.
When I feel myself becoming agitated at something or someone I say this little prayer my Mom taught me....
May I be treated tomorrow how I treated others today. Most of the time it keeps me in check.
Stay focused...and breathing is always a good thing!
I will tell you that there have been times when I have obsessed over an incident in my past, but lashing out at others is never a good thing.
I do try to keep in mind a phrase I heard in aa...some are sicker than others...this includes non-alcoholics.
When I feel myself becoming agitated at something or someone I say this little prayer my Mom taught me....
May I be treated tomorrow how I treated others today. Most of the time it keeps me in check.
Stay focused...and breathing is always a good thing!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
Hi Ksplash,
I had to deal with a ton of anger too and there's no question that it's a really hard thing to do. But, writing about your feelings is a great idea.
The Serenity Prayer works wonders!
I had to deal with a ton of anger too and there's no question that it's a really hard thing to do. But, writing about your feelings is a great idea.
The Serenity Prayer works wonders!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,312
hey ksplash
I think counselling can be beneficial too - I dunno if you've tried that, but I think it's often a tall order for us, wounded as we are already, to try and heal ourselves - I know for myself where my self medication ended up. Sometimes the perspective we get from others can be useful IMO.
That being said - Bugs and Anna have some great ideas. I also had to learn that my thoughts and feelings can be just just - thoughts and feelings...I do have a choice, if I want, in the way I react to them....
keep it up...
D
I think counselling can be beneficial too - I dunno if you've tried that, but I think it's often a tall order for us, wounded as we are already, to try and heal ourselves - I know for myself where my self medication ended up. Sometimes the perspective we get from others can be useful IMO.
That being said - Bugs and Anna have some great ideas. I also had to learn that my thoughts and feelings can be just just - thoughts and feelings...I do have a choice, if I want, in the way I react to them....
keep it up...
D
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
A few things that I have learned on this board recently might work for you. Don't let "yesturday" and "tomorrow" be your worst enemy.
I believe you can not move smoothly to your future if you are still a prisoner of your past. Don't be that coaches prisoner anymore. If you have anger you need to find a way to let it go and be at peace. You can have a beautiful peaceful life. Surrender it all to a higher power. Write all the bad things that happend and put them in a balloon and let it go.....make it symbolic and never think of it again. IF the thoughts enter your mind think of something else.
I had bad things happen when I was younger but I no longer allow them to hold me back. I can't blame them anymore. I am in charge and I say my life will be good. The man that did that to you will have his day of being judged and don't worry he will pay dearly.
Just for today I hope you are happy and strong. ((HUGS))
I believe you can not move smoothly to your future if you are still a prisoner of your past. Don't be that coaches prisoner anymore. If you have anger you need to find a way to let it go and be at peace. You can have a beautiful peaceful life. Surrender it all to a higher power. Write all the bad things that happend and put them in a balloon and let it go.....make it symbolic and never think of it again. IF the thoughts enter your mind think of something else.
I had bad things happen when I was younger but I no longer allow them to hold me back. I can't blame them anymore. I am in charge and I say my life will be good. The man that did that to you will have his day of being judged and don't worry he will pay dearly.
Just for today I hope you are happy and strong. ((HUGS))
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
ksplash all of what you have mentioned it seems as though you are working on them, it sounds as though you are doing a 4th step in a ways.... maybe you are.
As you are doing, I found the beginning of releif from my own anger, resentments, guilt, etc. by first writing them down in my 4th step inventory. Setting that stuff down to paper helped a great deal for me. It allowed me as you are working on letting them go. For many years they held a great deal of power over me, many of them consumed me, getting them out into the open took a great deal of power they held over me away, discussing them with another person I trusted took most of the reamining power they held over me away and simply letting go of them took all the power they had left over me away.
That anger with God I understand, I was so disgusted and dissappointed in him while I was drinking and in the early days of my sobriety, I kept asking him to make it all better and take it all away...... where I was messing up is that is all I was doing, I have found I have had to take actions myself, I have had to take full responsibility for myself and all the things I did in my life and not sit around blaming others or making excuses.
Ksplash I hope you are not dealing with all of this alone, there is help and support out there for you, some of the things you mentioned I really feel therapy of some sort could be very beneficial to you.
All of the others have given some darn fins suggestions, let me share one dumb thing I do on occasions when I feel frustrated and angry that does help me a lot...... I step out back of my place and I simply SCREAM the rage inside out into the ether, for some reason it is an action I can take in addition to prayer which gives me relief.... it gets it out and harms no one and does not embarass me either..... of course I have not been caught doing this yet! LOL
As you are doing, I found the beginning of releif from my own anger, resentments, guilt, etc. by first writing them down in my 4th step inventory. Setting that stuff down to paper helped a great deal for me. It allowed me as you are working on letting them go. For many years they held a great deal of power over me, many of them consumed me, getting them out into the open took a great deal of power they held over me away, discussing them with another person I trusted took most of the reamining power they held over me away and simply letting go of them took all the power they had left over me away.
That anger with God I understand, I was so disgusted and dissappointed in him while I was drinking and in the early days of my sobriety, I kept asking him to make it all better and take it all away...... where I was messing up is that is all I was doing, I have found I have had to take actions myself, I have had to take full responsibility for myself and all the things I did in my life and not sit around blaming others or making excuses.
Ksplash I hope you are not dealing with all of this alone, there is help and support out there for you, some of the things you mentioned I really feel therapy of some sort could be very beneficial to you.
All of the others have given some darn fins suggestions, let me share one dumb thing I do on occasions when I feel frustrated and angry that does help me a lot...... I step out back of my place and I simply SCREAM the rage inside out into the ether, for some reason it is an action I can take in addition to prayer which gives me relief.... it gets it out and harms no one and does not embarass me either..... of course I have not been caught doing this yet! LOL
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,745
not being able to move into the future cause I'm still a prisoner of my past - boy that's me in a nutshell. afraid to move in any direction at all cause all my moves end up hurting someone.
You've described my feelings very well. i just don't know how to deal with them or with myself. if you have any insight on this stuff please let me know cause i'm lost.
didn't mean to hijack your thread, i'm sorry
You've described my feelings very well. i just don't know how to deal with them or with myself. if you have any insight on this stuff please let me know cause i'm lost.
didn't mean to hijack your thread, i'm sorry
Karma Amputee
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
I can relate to the OP mindset in the drinking years, especially towards the end.
Petty thinking (stinkin thinkin?)...anger, resentment, a radical frame of mind. Yup, BTDT.
I feel a lot less of that now that I am not drinking. I think it was the booze talkin...
Petty thinking (stinkin thinkin?)...anger, resentment, a radical frame of mind. Yup, BTDT.
I feel a lot less of that now that I am not drinking. I think it was the booze talkin...
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,745
when i was drinking, the alcohol was SCREAMING at me, now that i'm sober the bad feelings are whispering in my ear. i can always hear them
no sponsor and don't want one. don't want to make amends and can't forgive myself. i'll stay sober but that's it
no sponsor and don't want one. don't want to make amends and can't forgive myself. i'll stay sober but that's it
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
afternoon of DAY 9 i appreciate your responses so much. your advise, your relating, empathy, and hope.
i'm holding my ground facing the emotions of anger that keep resurfacing. earlier today I was noticing my anger and spite and resentment, but there seemed to be no way out of it. No way of accepting it and changing my thoughts. so I went to a lunchtime meeting for the second or third day in a row.
at first I couldn't hear the speakers and i thought that they were full of ****, and gossiping and complaining and NOT talking about anything having to do with a meeting. but i kept listening and smoking and pouring cups of coffee. eventually I felt the pain of a person who was talking. then I noticed that the inventory i was taking of their life was exactly my own. ANGER. so i kept listening. my discomfort began to lift as i felt less alone. i became less judgmental. finally i spoke last and shared honestly about my days journey, focusing on that moment.
I can't tell until after I am done sharing if I was honest or not. If i feel uncomfortable after I talk then I was probably talking from my high horse of pride and knowledge. if i feel like part of the group then i spoke from my heart. I felt good, and i left the meeting feeling way better than when i walked in.
AND I talked to the table leader afterwards for 5 minutes and got his phone number even though this is not in my area of meetings. It is however 5 minutes from where I work and I related and appreciated the humility and input of this older guy.
i'm putting myself out there. i am trying new things. i am practicing things that i haven't in a long time. i am meeting new people. i am keeping an open mind. and these things are helping me to deal with the anxiety that comes into my being as i start to FEEL.
I'll keep chasing recovery today. After work I'm going to two more meetings...this is now a full speed ahead 'recovery day' for me. my goal is to stay clean. my goal is to not use. that is the most important thing today. no matter if i feel good or not good. it sure seems easier to chase recovery when it feels good, but no matter i must continue to put myself out there into the world and also into the recovery world in order to chase recovery. in order to stay focused on my goal.
if i get lazy, or eat like a pig, or sleep, or start riding the waves of anger and pride then the chances of success become less. i must keep pressing on, not so much fighting (if i can abstain), but pressing on into the center of my discomfort
i'm holding my ground facing the emotions of anger that keep resurfacing. earlier today I was noticing my anger and spite and resentment, but there seemed to be no way out of it. No way of accepting it and changing my thoughts. so I went to a lunchtime meeting for the second or third day in a row.
at first I couldn't hear the speakers and i thought that they were full of ****, and gossiping and complaining and NOT talking about anything having to do with a meeting. but i kept listening and smoking and pouring cups of coffee. eventually I felt the pain of a person who was talking. then I noticed that the inventory i was taking of their life was exactly my own. ANGER. so i kept listening. my discomfort began to lift as i felt less alone. i became less judgmental. finally i spoke last and shared honestly about my days journey, focusing on that moment.
I can't tell until after I am done sharing if I was honest or not. If i feel uncomfortable after I talk then I was probably talking from my high horse of pride and knowledge. if i feel like part of the group then i spoke from my heart. I felt good, and i left the meeting feeling way better than when i walked in.
AND I talked to the table leader afterwards for 5 minutes and got his phone number even though this is not in my area of meetings. It is however 5 minutes from where I work and I related and appreciated the humility and input of this older guy.
i'm putting myself out there. i am trying new things. i am practicing things that i haven't in a long time. i am meeting new people. i am keeping an open mind. and these things are helping me to deal with the anxiety that comes into my being as i start to FEEL.
I'll keep chasing recovery today. After work I'm going to two more meetings...this is now a full speed ahead 'recovery day' for me. my goal is to stay clean. my goal is to not use. that is the most important thing today. no matter if i feel good or not good. it sure seems easier to chase recovery when it feels good, but no matter i must continue to put myself out there into the world and also into the recovery world in order to chase recovery. in order to stay focused on my goal.
if i get lazy, or eat like a pig, or sleep, or start riding the waves of anger and pride then the chances of success become less. i must keep pressing on, not so much fighting (if i can abstain), but pressing on into the center of my discomfort
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
no matter if i feel good or not good. it sure seems easier to chase recovery when it feels good, but no matter i must continue to put myself out there into the world and also into the recovery world in order to chase recovery. in order to stay focused on my goal.
I let my anger win Friday. The depression.
And you know..I posted in my thread I didnt know what I was going to do different this time.
You really put it into perspective for me.
I did nothing with my anger except let it fester. I didnt really even try to find relief in a healthy way.
I isolated and thats the worst thing I could have done.
Thank you for this post. You really woke me up today.
I am grateful to be here once again. And I am so glad to see you making efforts in your own recovery. And you may have even helped mine. If only for today.
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