championcharlie

Hiya Shannon,

I tried PMing you in response to your posts. But as I'm new on here it wouldn't let me! So I've post on here.....

My name is Charlie and I'm a 31 year old alcoholic in Manchester, England.

When I read your posts my heart nearly stopped beating for a second. I used to be a very similar situation to you and I know how hard it is to get out of it.

When I was 19 and at university I met an Irish lad who has 25 and I thought he was the nuts! I fell for him in a big way and loved everything about him - his personality (or what I thought was his personality) lifestyle, his social scene etc.

At first we were so happy - things moved along quickly and we moved into an apartment together after a few months - I thought this was the guy I was going to marry.

The only thing was he was really into drinking and taking drugs (I didn't see it as a problem there, as I was into all that too - birds of a feather, flock together!). Most of the time it was okay but every so often he would flip out and smash things up in the apartment but the next day he would be all sweetness and light and I would forgive him. He was a proper Jekyll and Hyde character - no one would have believed me if I told them what he was really like, or so I thought.

The flip outs became more frequent, as did his periods of unemployment. I would help find him jobs only to find out he had walked out after a few hours or days. I was by this time working several jobs and trying to attend university at the same time while he sat on his arse in the apartment drinking all day or going into the city centre to bum drinks of people in bars.

It wasn't long before he started beating me up - and he was always so apologetic the next day and attentive while suggesting that it might be my fault it all happened because I 'had a bit of a mouth on me'.

Friends and family would urge me to leave him - they could see how much I was drinking and how much drugs I did. They could also see how hard I was working to support us both while my university work suffered. Most disturbing they could see the bruises and cuts all over me.

I was torn - I wanted to leave him but I also thought that I still loved him and that we just had one of those 'volitile relationships'.

He also ran up loads of debt in my name as his credit record was already ruined before he met me - I think I stupidly stayed with him as he kept promising to pay me back and I thought if I left him he would never give me the money.

I also believed I could change him - yeah right!

Finally after three years I began to see the light - I admitted to my family that I wanted to leave and they told me to do it. What about the debts and all the furniture and stuff I own in the flat? Leave it all they said. I found this hard to do but in the end I had to after one night he came home and beat me within an inch of my life with a wooden shelf from one of my bookcases and tried to strangle me.

While he was in the slammer overnight I got together everything I could fit into the back of a car and left. I didn't have anywhere permanent to live but friends let me sleep on their floors, living out of a suitcase until I managed to find a place to live.

I also had two cats which I couldn't take with me but I couldn't leave them behind - I asked around my friends and one of them took them in for me until I got myself straight. And the cats couldn't have been happier to get out of that situation!!

Since then I have got off drugs (seven years clean) and I am now working on my addiction to alcohol - I'm newly sober but for a while I was continuing to drink to help me forget the horrors of this guy - I know now that I would have got over it all sooner if I had been sober but live and learn, eh?!

Yes, I had to lose a lot of the stuff I owned - a whole apartment of furniture and all my books, CDs, most of my clothes etc and it took a few years to pay off all the debts he ran up. But had I stayed he would have smashed up those possessions anyway, run more debts up and ultimately killed me.

Now I am married to a wonderful man, I have a gorgeous little girl and live in a fantastic house. I no longer have to watch what I say or worry which head my husband will have on when he comes home from work - my husband would never lay a finger on me and is always supportive.

I also have the career I want, using my degree (which I somehow passed) and I feel I am developing the whole time - something that would never have happened if I had stayed with Mr Nasty - I would still be working three menial jobs so make ends meet.

I'm telling you this - not because I want to lecture you - but because I have been there and I couldn't imagine how I would get out or life without this guy who had messed with my head so much.

If I could go back to myself in that relationship I would drag myself out of there and not look back.

After I left this guy - he stalked me for a long time - begging me to come back, saying he would change and when I said 'no' he would become abusive at me and then threaten to kill himself and said it would all be my fault.

It was so hard as he really put the pressure on but I'm so glad I just kept putting the phone down on him and called the police on him when he tracked me down in person.

He said he loved me but no one who loves someone would abuse them in that manner.

I sometimes see him around town - He is nearly 40 now and still hasn't got a job, in fact he looks like a bum. I saw him once with another girl - I ducked into a store and watched them walk by - she looked so downtrodden and miserable and I could see him barking at her. I wanted to pull her away from him as they passed and set her free (seeing that bothered me for hours afterwards) but I realise that only SHE can do that.

Sorry for this massive ramble but I just want to assure you that if you want to leave him - you will not lose anything apart from deadwood.

Yes, I still have some problems - I continued to drink (although not as heavily) until recently but I have healed and grown as an individual and I am in such a happy place now.

You don't need to waste anymore time with this loser (and you know HE WILL NEVER CHANGE) - you know, there are plenty of fantastic blokes out there you could be with instead. But what i would add is that you don't even need a bloke in your life - to be happy or fulfill you.

I love my husband so much but I realise that I am responsible for my own happiness.

I really hope you sort things out - I will be thinking of you and hope you find happiness and peace. You deserve it.

Sorry for the mega ramble - I just had to get this out and over to you in the hope that it will help!!

If you want to keep in touch, please do not be shy, I would like to offer any support I can.

Take care and lots of hugs,

Charlie