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i'm back again with a worse situation than before

Old 10-05-2008, 05:40 PM
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i'm back again with a worse situation than before

I spent almost 12 weeks sober last fall. It went well. My cat got sick and died during this time and I broke up with my boyfriend (that was one of the main reasons I got sober.....he had a girlfriend, I wasn't in love with him, but he was a bit obsessive, and I knew I had to keep a clear head on my shoulders to break up with him.......it got messy anyway).

But then I started dating someone that I had previously dated briefly last summer. I told him at first I just wanted to be friends but that didn't last long. We fell madly in love in February and now we have been living together, officially, since Sept. 1 (signed a lease together). Before that, he had basically been living with me since around March, with no job. I was happy and in love........in April he fractured his patella (knee cap) and was also having a lot of lung problems.......also he has scoliosis and a 14-inch rod in his back, which still causes him pain. He drinks every day all day and still has no job. He is on disability and gets a check from the government. Sometimes he abuses his medication (Vicodin and Valium) and combines it with alcohol.

I started drinking again during Christmas time at home with my family. Then it slowly started getting worse and now I am having blackouts and we have had numerous loud ridiculous drunken arguements, almost weekly.

I have a huge dildo (yes, that's what I said sorry if that is offensive) that I have had for years and he is jealous of it. About ten days ago he found it and thought I had used it and hit me with it. I grabbed it from him and hit him back. He pushed me down on the bed and put his forearem across my neck and held me down while I struggled........yelling leave me alone, leave me alone.......we fought physically for quite some time. Finally somehow we stopped and went to sleep.

Yesterday we went to an Irish Festival and drank all day. I wanted to get something to eat and he said, just drink another beer. I was stuck there, far from home with no transportation and just trying to go with the flow. We finally came home and our friend, who drove and was sober, wanted to drop me off in front of the restaurant while they looked for a parking space. This pissed Boyfriend off. So I go in the restaurant and order an appetizer and water and drinks and they came in. We couldn't agree on what to order as an entree so I gave in and let him have his way. Before the entrees arrived, he reached across me for a bread plate and either deliberately tossed it on the floor or dropped it. The bartender saw it happen and took his beer away and refused him service. Boyfriend got pissed and slammed down some cash on the bar and bolted. I stayed and ate and talked to our friend then we came home. He was standing outside with no shirt on, like a freak, and had some friend inside the apartment with the music blasting and both of them still drinking for the last two hours.

I flipped out and started screaming, get out, get out..........I do not like this friend of his at all. He is just as much of an alcoholic as the rest of us.

I just wanted to call it a night and not party and not have any company. So I flipped. Before Boyfriend walked out the door, he took both hands to my neck and gave me a jerk and a squeeze. His friend was already out the door so I have no witness.

I had lost my cell phone and was very scared. I didn't want him coming back. Well he came back and was pissed. I had tried to lock him out with no success. This pissed him off even more. He shoved me again.

I went to the police precinct and filed a report. He denied touching me. They asked me if I wanted him arrested and I said no. They came to the apartment and spoke to him as well.

It was just a big mess. Drunk, I had sent an email late last night to several people including my parents, uncle, friends........and have set off a firestorm of conversation and my Dad is really pissed. After years of never speaking to my mother about anything more than the weather, she listened to me and talked to me and told me I had some serious thinking to do.

My hands are tied with us both being on the lease. I don't know how much work it would take to get him off this lease. Everything in this apartment belongs to me except for most of the food in the fridge and cupboards.

He makes up things - for instance, last night he said I threw a salad in his face at the restaurant - completely untrue!

I just want my non-life back. I had a peaceful life before and I want it back. He will never stop drinking.

I considered attending an AA meeting tonight but I was on my feet all day yesterday and did laundry today and now I have shin splints. I work on my feet and have a very tough schedule this week so I am turning to this forum in lieu of AA. I also work at night so finding a daytime meeting is a challenge.

He did come in the bedroom today while I was sleeping and told me he loved me and kissed me and I kissed him back.........I do love him but I cannot be in a relationship with someone as nutty or nuttier than me. He is also incredibly vain. He knows I want to break up because he heard me say it on the phone to my father this morning. I just don't see how we can make this relationship work unless he gets a job (he's very bright, has a college degree) and drinks every day while I'm at work. He is accident prone and his latest accident was to crash his head into a stop sign while riding his bicycle and he got a concussion.

So that's the update on my life. My last post was Dec. 21, 2007. So much has happened in the past year, I cannot even begin to detail the pain, shame, stress and anger that I've been through. I actually think I may be bipolar and am definitely depressed. I cry all the time. I definitely need to stop drinking. So today is the first day of the rest of my life. He is passed out on the sofa and I want to watch Desperate Housewives but I don't want to wake him up. Even though it's my tv and my futon he's sleeping on.

God Bless any and all that have read through this message. It is long and I appreciate you listening.

Shannon
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Old 10-05-2008, 05:47 PM
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replying to my own message, that's how weird i am :)

one night about a month ago we were at mcdonald's and he had re-stubbed his toe and it was bleeding and asked the manager for a bandaid. We could see the first-aid kit on the wall but the manager refused to help him. Boyfriend said "oooops" and knocked over my soda onto the counter where the register and printer and computers are located, sending these poor girls scurrying to clean the mess and minimize the damage.

what a jerk, right?
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Old 10-05-2008, 05:52 PM
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Please hear what I'm going to say in the spirit I'm saying it- fearing for your life.

Strangulation... that's what he attempted... grabbing you around the neck and squeezing. This is something that domestic violence counselors call a "high lethality indicator". It takes 10 seconds of about 4 pounds of pressure across your jugular vein to cause you to lose consciousness. It takes 8lbs of pressure to squeeze the trigger on a gun. 50 seconds more of having the oxygen to your brain cut off, and death becomes almost certain.

He may not mean to kill you... but that doesn't mean he won't. For the sake of your life, please consider going to a domestic violence counselor. They can help you think through the technicalities of the lease and everything. They're good at what they do. Going to one doesn't mean you have to leave. They just help you lay out your options.

Take care... I'm sorry this is happening to you. Life doesn't have to be like this.
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Old 10-05-2008, 06:02 PM
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thank you

you have made me realize it is worse than i believed. i know i am very bitchy and provoke him and he pushes my buttons as well. your advice is a huge wake-up call.
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Old 10-05-2008, 06:04 PM
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where do i find a domestic violence counselor?
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Old 10-05-2008, 06:09 PM
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Selfseeking is absolutely correct about abusive relationships.

Please consider reading the stickie in the womens forum about abuse it has some great information in it. No one deserves to be physically or verbally abused. All too often it happens to women in alcoholic relationships. I for one married two abusive husbands. The first one started out verbal and escalated to physical before I left him. The second one took less than a year into our relationship to turn into physical abuse from verbal. It was only when I finally got sober that I was able to understand what a healthy relationship is. Today I know I do not deserve to be abused by anyone. My relationships today are based on a mutual trust and respect.

Sobriety is possible. SR is a good place to start. For me I need more than just the internet for my sobriety. I also attend AA on a regular basis. It provides things I can not get online. I encourage you to find a meeting as there you can find support, a sponsor, a home group (a group where people know you and care enough to call you when you are not there), and you can also learn how to apply the Steps and Principles in your life.

Take care and welcome to SR.
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Old 10-05-2008, 06:09 PM
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Shuga, your situation is very dangerous.

I think it's great that you are looking for help.

You might be able to find some information in your local phone book.

If you PM me your location, I'll try to search for a place to help you.
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Old 10-05-2008, 06:16 PM
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Originally Posted by shugabooga View Post
where do i find a domestic violence counselor?
PM me with your rough location, if you're comfortable doing that, and I will help you find a DV center. What I will do is just an internet search... I would use your state and look for the terms "domestic violence victims advocacy". I am happy to do that for you if you'd like, but that's what I'd do. I know there is a 24 hour hotline that will pop up with that search, and you can call them and they can help you.
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Old 10-05-2008, 06:28 PM
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I totally agree with the above replies.
....Prayers for your peace
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Old 10-05-2008, 06:51 PM
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Praying for you girl, get out of that situation please and do whatever is necessary..material things are just things, your life is priceless....I hate to say it but Love is not hurting the other person deliberately..and alcholism is a disease we all know too well impairs judgement and decision making..combine the two and thats just a red flag waving right in your face honey..you can not change him and as much as you have grown attatched to your life with him and feel a sense of love for him and I know being with someone seems at times better than alone, even if it means putting up with his occasional ******** right? WRONG! His ******** is dangerous, life threatening and a total endangerment to your well being and sobriety..some poeple just arent good together..and maybe you two do fine without the booze...I would belive that..but you have got to see that only he can stop if he wants to...you wont be able to change him..and do not let him bring you down in more ways than one like he has been doing..Things are going to stay just as they are and only get worse( Gosh if thats even possible , sounds pretty miserable to me)stand up for yourself and self worth and get yourself to a meeting..I work long days too and all day five days a week.. but if you were partying and drinking you would manage the time to go out for drinks afetr work right? Or drive to the store to get your booze right? Well make that same effort to get to a meeting and get better..good luck okay..you need to start first things first and do not drink..it will only make you feel worse and more depressed especially if you are thinking you may have a mental disorder...secondly, as much as you feel like taking a drink to get away from the pain...you know it will only make it worse..the gulit and shame and remores..not to mention the blackouts so that is if you even remember the evening...you will not be able to say and do things when interacting with him that you would want to do..instead you know you two will fight and only bad will happen..misery LOVES COMPANY..and I belive thats the basis of your relationship...as long as the two of you are engulfed in your sickness be it alcholism, mental unstability,physical agression and abuse or all of the above..neither of you will heal and get better and neither of you will truly have to be made accountable for your actions...I hope this does not seem to abrupt, I really just am trying to get some sense across..your too precious and important to live like this
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Old 10-06-2008, 06:04 AM
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i know i am very bitchy and provoke him and he pushes my buttons as well.
The 2 above items do not justify in any manner him putting his hands on you violently in any way!!!!

Follow the advice above about getting some help first with getting rid of him and second with stopping drinking.

If he touches you one more time CALL THE POLICE!!!!

PRESS CHARGES!!!!

If you do not press charges the message you are sending him is "Honey you hurting me is okay, I will defend you abusing me."

After pressing charges get a protective order and no matter what ENFORCE IT!!!!

The abuse will always get worse and never better. Check out the cases of women who are killed by abusive men, the abuse was allowed to continue by the woman because she thought he loved her and would get better because he always said he was sorry and he promised he would not hurt her again.
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Old 10-06-2008, 06:40 AM
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PLease don't allow him any more access to you, not in your life, nor inside your head. His violence will only get worse. Abusers don't stop abusing. PLease get out of there and into a shelter and get the law on your side. PLease!
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Old 10-06-2008, 09:37 AM
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Hey shug... post and let us know how you're doing!
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Old 10-06-2008, 05:56 PM
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Hi Shug,
I want to express my concern for you in this situation. You don't deserve this. After reading your posts, I'm very worried about your safety. Please help yourself get out of this situation. You need a safe place to live.

Please pop in and tell us how it's going.
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Old 10-12-2008, 12:04 AM
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thank you, sorry i've been MIA

i read everyone's responses. i know i have work to do. my work schedule is very hectic this time of year. my boyfriend doesn't work or have any hobbies or interests (not even sports) so when i'm home, he is here, here, here. a very needy person. he can't spend a minute alone.

i came home tonight to find him passed out with the screen door unlocked. i've been home for well over an hour and made plenty of noise and he still doesn't know i'm here. okay, he's lucky, he's a heavy sleeper....drunk, anyway.

but the thing is, he had this friend over all night, a married guy with a four year old daughter, who hangs out here when i'm not here, just to drink and escape his wife and daughter.

they sit on my furniture. use my stereo. look through my cds. eat the food and leave it uncovered in the fridge. then, i realized they had been on my computer. looked up a lot of sports sites and one porn site. unacceptable. my BF has looked up porn before, and an ex GF on my computer. he is so selfish in some ways, and so giving in others.

regardless, this is what guys do. but not with my computer. i will have to start taking it to work with me. this is my computer. that is my stereo. my tv. my bed. my futon. my cds. my monthly internet access bill. i hope my stupid BF has a crick in his neck from sleeping on the futon all night. i hope he jacks off to this porn website and leaves me alone for sex. he needs to get a job and work his ass off like i do. i have him nailed on all the searches they did...........and it disgusts me. we made love today before i went to work and he looks at porn?

i am biding my time. it is very hard for me to get any free time to research DV or see a counselor. i am sorting things through my head and focusing on work. i also came down with a bad cold this week. plus, i have my cat to consider...........he is ten years old and very shy........i can't take him just anywhere.

there have been no hints of DV all week. i have asked many friends if they have extra space for me and the cat, but in NYC, space is very limited and expensive. i am in a bind, but not in an immediate threat to life.

thank you, everyone, for your concern........i have not deliberately ignored you. all this is weighing heavy on my mind. the cold has distracted me. work has distracted me. but i do think about leaving him and finding a peaceful, private home of my own. it will cost me a lot of money. but i am worth it, and i don't deserve to have him allow his friend or friends to sift through my belongings while i'm not here.

please keep replying and let me know your thoughts. i have some PM's to read and will do that asap. thank you again.
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Old 10-13-2008, 03:16 AM
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My story

Hiya Shannon,

I tried PMing you in response to your posts. But as I'm new on here it wouldn't let me! So I've post on here.....

My name is Charlie and I'm a 31 year old alcoholic in Manchester, England.

When I read your posts my heart nearly stopped beating for a second. I used to be a very similar situation to you and I know how hard it is to get out of it.

When I was 19 and at university I met an Irish lad who has 25 and I thought he was the nuts! I fell for him in a big way and loved everything about him - his personality (or what I thought was his personality) lifestyle, his social scene etc.

At first we were so happy - things moved along quickly and we moved into an apartment together after a few months - I thought this was the guy I was going to marry.

The only thing was he was really into drinking and taking drugs (I didn't see it as a problem there, as I was into all that too - birds of a feather, flock together!). Most of the time it was okay but every so often he would flip out and smash things up in the apartment but the next day he would be all sweetness and light and I would forgive him. He was a proper Jekyll and Hyde character - no one would have believed me if I told them what he was really like, or so I thought.

The flip outs became more frequent, as did his periods of unemployment. I would help find him jobs only to find out he had walked out after a few hours or days. I was by this time working several jobs and trying to attend university at the same time while he sat on his arse in the apartment drinking all day or going into the city centre to bum drinks of people in bars.

It wasn't long before he started beating me up - and he was always so apologetic the next day and attentive while suggesting that it might be my fault it all happened because I 'had a bit of a mouth on me'.

Friends and family would urge me to leave him - they could see how much I was drinking and how much drugs I did. They could also see how hard I was working to support us both while my university work suffered. Most disturbing they could see the bruises and cuts all over me.

I was torn - I wanted to leave him but I also thought that I still loved him and that we just had one of those 'volitile relationships'.

He also ran up loads of debt in my name as his credit record was already ruined before he met me - I think I stupidly stayed with him as he kept promising to pay me back and I thought if I left him he would never give me the money.

I also believed I could change him - yeah right!

Finally after three years I began to see the light - I admitted to my family that I wanted to leave and they told me to do it. What about the debts and all the furniture and stuff I own in the flat? Leave it all they said. I found this hard to do but in the end I had to after one night he came home and beat me within an inch of my life with a wooden shelf from one of my bookcases and tried to strangle me.

While he was in the slammer overnight I got together everything I could fit into the back of a car and left. I didn't have anywhere permanent to live but friends let me sleep on their floors, living out of a suitcase until I managed to find a place to live.

I also had two cats which I couldn't take with me but I couldn't leave them behind - I asked around my friends and one of them took them in for me until I got myself straight. And the cats couldn't have been happier to get out of that situation!!

Since then I have got off drugs (seven years clean) and I am now working on my addiction to alcohol - I'm newly sober but for a while I was continuing to drink to help me forget the horrors of this guy - I know now that I would have got over it all sooner if I had been sober but live and learn, eh?!

Yes, I had to lose a lot of the stuff I owned - a whole apartment of furniture and all my books, CDs, most of my clothes etc and it took a few years to pay off all the debts he ran up. But had I stayed he would have smashed up those possessions anyway, run more debts up and ultimately killed me.

Now I am married to a wonderful man, I have a gorgeous little girl and live in a fantastic house. I no longer have to watch what I say or worry which head my husband will have on when he comes home from work - my husband would never lay a finger on me and is always supportive.

I also have the career I want, using my degree (which I somehow passed) and I feel I am developing the whole time - something that would never have happened if I had stayed with Mr Nasty - I would still be working three menial jobs so make ends meet.

I'm telling you this - not because I want to lecture you - but because I have been there and I couldn't imagine how I would get out or life without this guy who had messed with my head so much.

If I could go back to myself in that relationship I would drag myself out of there and not look back.

After I left this guy - he stalked me for a long time - begging me to come back, saying he would change and when I said 'no' he would become abusive at me and then threaten to kill himself and said it would all be my fault.

It was so hard as he really put the pressure on but I'm so glad I just kept putting the phone down on him and called the police on him when he tracked me down in person.

He said he loved me but no one who loves someone would abuse them in that manner.

I sometimes see him around town - He is nearly 40 now and still hasn't got a job, in fact he looks like a bum. I saw him once with another girl - I ducked into a store and watched them walk by - she looked so downtrodden and miserable and I could see him barking at her. I wanted to pull her away from him as they passed and set her free (seeing that bothered me for hours afterwards) but I realise that only SHE can do that.

Sorry for this massive ramble but I just want to assure you that if you want to leave him - you will not lose anything apart from deadwood.

Yes, I still have some problems - I continued to drink (although not as heavily) until recently but I have healed and grown as an individual and I am in such a happy place now.

You don't need to waste anymore time with this loser (and you know HE WILL NEVER CHANGE) - you know, there are plenty of fantastic blokes out there you could be with instead. But what i would add is that you don't even need a bloke in your life - to be happy or fulfill you.

I love my husband so much but I realise that I am responsible for my own happiness.

I really hope you sort things out - I will be thinking of you and hope you find happiness and peace. You deserve it.

Sorry for the mega ramble - I just had to get this out and over to you in the hope that it will help!!

If you want to keep in touch, please do not be shy, I would like to offer any support I can.

Take care and lots of hugs,

Charlie
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Old 10-13-2008, 07:42 AM
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Welcome Charlie....
Thanks for sharing your powerful story.
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Old 10-13-2008, 07:58 AM
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I haven't looked through the stickies on DV, but here is a link I found to something called "the cycle of domestic violence". It might go a way towards explaining the quiet stretches and then the bursts of violence.

Domestic Violence - Cycle of Domestic Violence

Shug, I'm so so glad you're posting again!
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Old 10-13-2008, 11:45 AM
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This guy is using you. Let me explain that. This guy may very well be telling you the truth when he says he loves you. Only because he believes that. What he is doing, however, is using you to enable his drinking, do-nothing-with-his-life, lifestyle. He is afraid to be alone because he doesnt know HOW to be alone. Guys like this always end up hurting the ones the SAY they love. You say you arent in any immediate danger. You cannot be serious. This guy is a woman-beater. He choked you. Lies about you. Does horrible things to you and then denies it. He is scamming the govermnet,..and thusly,...scamming all of us working-for-a-living Americans. You and I are paying for him to stay at home, drink, beat you, and be a liability to the world instead of an asset. He will never get a job just because he wants to work. If he ever does get one,...it will be because he was forced into it. You absolutely are in immediate danger. I know a guy like this. He would break things in restaurants when he didnt like his food or if he thought the waitress took to long. He would swing at people in bars because they looked at him funny when he acted like an idiot. He hit his girlfriend (she hit him too). He drank about a 12 pack to a case in a sitting. He would scream at bartenders that cut him off. He had 2 drunk drivings and still drove drunk. This guy was the biggest loser I have ever met. Im sorry, but, this guy you are living with seems like his twin. How can you love someone like that? I say,...get out. NOW! Move in with family,...screw the lease. Who cares? Its only money. Talk to the landlord. Talk to the police. Get other parties involved. Parties who have a say in this. Parties who are involved in this already. Dont just live with this guy simply waiting for the next time he puts his hands on you. He WILL eventually hurt you bad,...or permanent.
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Old 10-13-2008, 02:26 PM
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Originally Posted by CarolD View Post

Welcome Charlie....
Thanks for sharing your powerful story.
No worries Carol!

I'm really grateful to have found this site!

Take care,

Charlie
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