I went to see my counselor for the first time in several months. I'm not really sure if she does me any good or not. I wish she would give me assignments and things to work on...she just kind of goes along with what I am saying...anyway.
I am not sure what point I reached last night. But I do know that a lot of this was my fault. These are the demons I face in life and I have definitely been having one of my meltdowns. I thought the world was collapsing around me. I'm broke, my ex hubby wants custody of my son just out of spite and to control me, I hate my job and am kind of stuck in it, and I am in love with a man that has completely turned his life around for the better but has little time for me because he is so busy being responsible.
I got clingy and started feeling desperate. And as much as he was doing every thing in his power to show me he loved me, (the phone calls, the beautiful things he told me everyday and the incredibly special feeling he gave me) I wanted more. I copped an attitude and he snapped. Now I am left with the fact that my selfish and weak meltdown may have cost me the most important man in my life.
I have cried and cried and haven't been able to get my mind off of him. I realized last night that I have acted ridiculously and pathetically. No wonder he wanted some space. I wouldn't want to be around that crap either especially if I was so close to a brand new start for myself as he is with his nursing degree.
I never want to act that way again. I never want to be seen as needy or desperate again. I am so much stronger than the way I have allowed myself to act in the last few weeks.
I have spoken with him a few times and things went ok. We have been able to talk and communicate fairly well. He accepted my apology and because he is an RA knows that everyone has their ups and downs. He also told me that he is getting close to his sober anniversary and he starts feeling weird this time of year. He is an amazing person who has shown me how a 12 step program can change your life and for that I will be forever greatful.
Thank you for letting me share.
Love and Peace.