Lately abf has been drinking a lot more. I am still working hard on detaching, and still wondering in my mind if it is at all possible while living with him. I don't know why I'm choosing to live this way, I'm not happy, and neither is he. We're both codies. And we both affect each other so much, I think that with me being so distant (trying to detach), it only makes him more clingy, more controlling, and he focuses more on me and less recovery...I know because I do the same.
Well I have been very distant lately, and as I mentioned in a previous post I have had very little sex drive, and some of the things he does is such a turn off.
But he has been calling me at work, and when I answer he will say "Why? Why don't you love me anymore?". But he doesn't say it in a sad voice, it's almost like it's a fake, cocky kind of tone. I don't know, I'm sure he senses that I am distant. I mean even when he goes to kiss me, I find myself pulling away, I pull away from hugs, cringe when he touches me. I feel guilty because I know that he needs affection, everyone does. Or he will just look at me (as we're driving to work) and say "Why don't you love me anymore"....then last night, I was reading to my son before bed, and he hollars, from the other room "I can't get no.....Satisfaction" (like the song)....he sometimes reminds me of a kid.....if I'm paying too much attention to Ryan he's just screaming for my attention.
Then over the weekend, he was drinking and would not shut up!!!! I swear he talks just to hear his own voice....does he not realize how annoying he can be?!??! Ugh!!!!
Then Saturday night after he returns from "hunting" (and drinking "one or two"), after I had a codie relapse and yelled at him because he was drinking and lied about it......he sits all cocky and says "Did you make any desert?"....this is the behavior that drives me crazy, first of all, we have nothing to make desert with (he knew this because we already had the discussion), and second of all, it was a tactic on his part to make me feel like less of a woman.
On the way to work this morning, we were fighting over the heat. Mind you, this is MY car, I am taking him to work because he has no license...he is complaining it is too hot in there. It was such a stupid fight, but it was cold this morning, 30 degrees, and he told me all I cared about was me, and I told him it was my car and there is no reason I should have to drive to work and be cold. So then this fight turns into a bigger one (him being so impatient this morning with my son, they were going to check traps, well Ryan was getting ready fast enough for his standards, but I tried keeping quiet, not engaging in the fight)...but after him telling me I was selfish to want the heat on, I lost it about him thinking the world revolves around him and he wants things NOW, on HIS time....so then he sits there, calm as can be as I'm yelling and says "Look at you".....UGH! Like look at you all freaking out while I'm sitting here calm as can be.
I guess we're just tolerating each other at best.
One of these days, I'll cross that bridge for good, and when I do, there is no turning back.