Weird/annoying behaviors from ABF-vent

Old 10-07-2008, 07:06 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
 
sodetermined's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Weird/annoying behaviors from ABF-vent

Lately abf has been drinking a lot more. I am still working hard on detaching, and still wondering in my mind if it is at all possible while living with him. I don't know why I'm choosing to live this way, I'm not happy, and neither is he. We're both codies. And we both affect each other so much, I think that with me being so distant (trying to detach), it only makes him more clingy, more controlling, and he focuses more on me and less recovery...I know because I do the same.

Well I have been very distant lately, and as I mentioned in a previous post I have had very little sex drive, and some of the things he does is such a turn off.

But he has been calling me at work, and when I answer he will say "Why? Why don't you love me anymore?". But he doesn't say it in a sad voice, it's almost like it's a fake, cocky kind of tone. I don't know, I'm sure he senses that I am distant. I mean even when he goes to kiss me, I find myself pulling away, I pull away from hugs, cringe when he touches me. I feel guilty because I know that he needs affection, everyone does. Or he will just look at me (as we're driving to work) and say "Why don't you love me anymore"....then last night, I was reading to my son before bed, and he hollars, from the other room "I can't get no.....Satisfaction" (like the song)....he sometimes reminds me of a kid.....if I'm paying too much attention to Ryan he's just screaming for my attention.

Then over the weekend, he was drinking and would not shut up!!!! I swear he talks just to hear his own voice....does he not realize how annoying he can be?!??! Ugh!!!!

Then Saturday night after he returns from "hunting" (and drinking "one or two"), after I had a codie relapse and yelled at him because he was drinking and lied about it......he sits all cocky and says "Did you make any desert?"....this is the behavior that drives me crazy, first of all, we have nothing to make desert with (he knew this because we already had the discussion), and second of all, it was a tactic on his part to make me feel like less of a woman.

On the way to work this morning, we were fighting over the heat. Mind you, this is MY car, I am taking him to work because he has no license...he is complaining it is too hot in there. It was such a stupid fight, but it was cold this morning, 30 degrees, and he told me all I cared about was me, and I told him it was my car and there is no reason I should have to drive to work and be cold. So then this fight turns into a bigger one (him being so impatient this morning with my son, they were going to check traps, well Ryan was getting ready fast enough for his standards, but I tried keeping quiet, not engaging in the fight)...but after him telling me I was selfish to want the heat on, I lost it about him thinking the world revolves around him and he wants things NOW, on HIS time....so then he sits there, calm as can be as I'm yelling and says "Look at you".....UGH! Like look at you all freaking out while I'm sitting here calm as can be.





I guess we're just tolerating each other at best.


One of these days, I'll cross that bridge for good, and when I do, there is no turning back.

Last edited by sodetermined; 10-07-2008 at 07:19 AM. Reason: And the sickest part is, I actually feel bad not for posting that, for writing those things about him, I feel sorry for him.
sodetermined is offline  
Old 10-07-2008, 08:32 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
One of these days, I'll cross that bridge for good, and when I do, there is no turning back.
Amen sista. And it WILL happen. I can remember all the little "weird/quirky" things that my xabf did that eventually drove me crazy. It was almost like he was a child in a 40 year olds body. Very high maintenance to say the least. I eventually just got SO tired of dealing with the bullsh*t and the drama that he brought to my life daily that I knew I had to do something. I could NOT live the rest of my years dreading going home to MY OWN house. Nope.

Hang in there. You'll know when you can't take it anymore. Oh and it does NO good to tell them that you are getting to the point of possibly ending the relationship - I tried that - apparently he didn't believe me. I guess he believes me now.

Hugs to you.
lovtolaff is offline  
Old 10-07-2008, 08:51 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Yield beautiful changes
 
ToughChoices's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,681
You're unhappy.
You don't want to touch/kiss/hug/sleep with him.
He mocks you.
You find him annoying.
He competes with your son for attention.
He can't drive his own a$$ to work.
You feel crazy when the two of you fight.

That sucks!

Acknowledging the craziness may help you find your way out of it in the future.
It's good to take stock of how you are feeling.

Does this man bring beauty and peace to your life? What does he contribute other than insanity and guilt?

I had to ask myself these questions, too. It's hard work.

You're in my thoughts!
-TC
ToughChoices is offline  
Old 10-07-2008, 09:00 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
last night, I was reading to my son before bed, and he hollars, from the other room "I can't get no.....Satisfaction" (like the song)....he sometimes reminds me of a kid.....if I'm paying too much attention to Ryan he's just screaming for my attention
Imagine how Ryan feels in the midst of this. You're an adult and it's driving you crazy. Imagine what's going on in the mind of a child.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 10-07-2008, 09:19 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Seeking Peace and Serenity
 
SereneRose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Rocky Mountain
Posts: 38
I can't stand condescending quacking.
SereneRose is offline  
Old 10-07-2008, 09:20 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
 
sodetermined's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Acknowledging the craziness may help you find your way out of it in the future.
It's good to take stock of how you are feeling.
I guess I am kind of stuck in "acknowledging the craziness", I've known it for probably 2 years...but just lately have I really started feeling like I'm not in love anymore, like I stay for reasons of comfort, and guilt. I love/care for him, but it's not the same. I feel like all the hurt/lies/abuse (mostly verbal) has eaten away at the being "in love". I guess I've moved forward SOME, in that instead of fearing he would find someone, begging him to come back home, and constantly worrying what he does, and bitching about him wanting to go hunting to "please go" so I can have peace. I guess that is progress? Sure seems slow. I guess I've surrendered the need for controlling him so much to just being....unhappy.


Does this man bring beauty and peace to your life? What does he contribute other than insanity and guilt?
Not at all. I honestly don't now. Comfort, I guess. How sad is that that I am comfortable? It's the way I grew up.


Imagine how Ryan feels in the midst of this. You're an adult and it's driving you crazy. Imagine what's going on in the mind of a child.
I don't know what scares me most, that he will act like Chris, or end up in a relationship with someone that doens't treat him right.
sodetermined is offline  
Old 10-07-2008, 09:41 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Yield beautiful changes
 
ToughChoices's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,681
Originally Posted by Soconfused11 View Post
I guess I am kind of stuck in "acknowledging the craziness", I've known it for probably 2 years...but just lately have I really started feeling like I'm not in love anymore, like I stay for reasons of comfort, and guilt.
One precious life. That's all you get.
What a pity to spend that life mired in guilt and unhappiness.

I think it is progressive of you to recognize how comfortable you feel in this situation - despite the negative aspects of it.
From your post it sounds as though you grew up witnessing a similar relationship - now this one feels normal (crappy, but normal).
And Ryan is witnessing it.

You are insightful. You are intelligent. You are becoming emotionally mature.
You can break this cycle of dysfunction. For yourself and your son.

Imagine the pride that you will feel in modeling a healthy, responsible, loving woman to your son. Imagine the respect you will instill in him for women who respect themselves.

I think the allure of that pride, those positive feelings, will ultimately overwhelm your fear of the negative.

We can all live freely and joyfully - we can all be proud of our lives.
ToughChoices is offline  
Old 10-07-2008, 09:46 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
GiveLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I settled for being unhappy for a long time before realizing how much time I was wasting.

I didn't have a child though -- and that would've been different. You are teaching your son everything he needs to know about how relationships are supposed to be (unhappy, angry, conflicted), and how men are supposed to be (helpless, abusive) He's learning how great it is to drink a lot (a great time, you get driven around, no one leaves you no matter how much you abuse them, etc.)

You say you are willing to take this because it's how you were raised.

Think about that when you're reading to your son tonight.

All of this will happen when it happens but........how much more of this education are you willing to let your kid suffer before you say, "Alright. That's enough." Maybe you don't even know what happiness is supposed to feel like in a relationship. I know it's something I had to learn. Maybe you and Ryan can learn together, before it's too late.

Consider maybe talking with a counselor about small, steady steps you can take to get rid of your fear and make clear decisions about your own happiness. And your son's. It was important for me to have a "support system" like that, or else I never would've left that life.
GiveLove is offline  
Old 10-07-2008, 09:50 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
Does this man bring beauty and peace to your life?
Ya know - I've always been told that people should ADD to your life...not TAKE AWAY from it. And that is what these selfish men do...they take away so much from you - little by little so that you really don't see it happening.

What does he contribute other than insanity and guilt?
Ha ha - now if you asked xabf this question he would tell you "I work my a$$ off around this place and my name isn't even on the deed" (yeah well seein as I bought the house MYSELF 3 years prior to meeting him, why on earth would I be THAT stupid?) And yeah he did work alot around the house - especially in the yard. This is what I would call "productive" or "justifiable" drinking. If he did all this wonderful house/yard work than what was there to complain about? He would drink like a fish while doing it but yeah it got done and yeah it got thrown up in my face alot. He just didn't get the whole picture.
lovtolaff is offline  
Old 10-07-2008, 10:41 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
 
sodetermined's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Ha ha - now if you asked xabf this question he would tell you "I work my a$$ off around this place and my name isn't even on the deed" (yeah well seein as I bought the house MYSELF 3 years prior to meeting him, why on earth would I be THAT stupid?) And yeah he did work alot around the house - especially in the yard. This is what I would call "productive" or "justifiable" drinking. If he did all this wonderful house/yard work than what was there to complain about? He would drink like a fish while doing it but yeah it got done and yeah it got thrown up in my face alot. He just didn't get the whole picture.
This is Chris to a T! I bought the house 4 years prior to us being together, in the last 3 1/2 years he has helped SOME, but we have been through so many ups and downs, and I do consider it MY house. But he would say "I work my a$$ off around here and it's not even my house"....ok, well yeah, but wouldn't you have to do the same if you were renting your own house? And same with paying bills, he says "it's not my house", no, but you live there, eat there, shower there, keep warm there, etc. You are right, they just don't see the big picture. They are too selfish to.
sodetermined is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:23 AM.