shugabooga

I spent almost 12 weeks sober last fall. It went well. My cat got sick and died during this time and I broke up with my boyfriend (that was one of the main reasons I got sober.....he had a girlfriend, I wasn't in love with him, but he was a bit obsessive, and I knew I had to keep a clear head on my shoulders to break up with him.......it got messy anyway).

But then I started dating someone that I had previously dated briefly last summer. I told him at first I just wanted to be friends but that didn't last long. We fell madly in love in February and now we have been living together, officially, since Sept. 1 (signed a lease together). Before that, he had basically been living with me since around March, with no job. I was happy and in love........in April he fractured his patella (knee cap) and was also having a lot of lung problems.......also he has scoliosis and a 14-inch rod in his back, which still causes him pain. He drinks every day all day and still has no job. He is on disability and gets a check from the government. Sometimes he abuses his medication (Vicodin and Valium) and combines it with alcohol.

I started drinking again during Christmas time at home with my family. Then it slowly started getting worse and now I am having blackouts and we have had numerous loud ridiculous drunken arguements, almost weekly.

I have a huge dildo (yes, that's what I said sorry if that is offensive) that I have had for years and he is jealous of it. About ten days ago he found it and thought I had used it and hit me with it. I grabbed it from him and hit him back. He pushed me down on the bed and put his forearem across my neck and held me down while I struggled........yelling leave me alone, leave me alone.......we fought physically for quite some time. Finally somehow we stopped and went to sleep.

Yesterday we went to an Irish Festival and drank all day. I wanted to get something to eat and he said, just drink another beer. I was stuck there, far from home with no transportation and just trying to go with the flow. We finally came home and our friend, who drove and was sober, wanted to drop me off in front of the restaurant while they looked for a parking space. This pissed Boyfriend off. So I go in the restaurant and order an appetizer and water and drinks and they came in. We couldn't agree on what to order as an entree so I gave in and let him have his way. Before the entrees arrived, he reached across me for a bread plate and either deliberately tossed it on the floor or dropped it. The bartender saw it happen and took his beer away and refused him service. Boyfriend got pissed and slammed down some cash on the bar and bolted. I stayed and ate and talked to our friend then we came home. He was standing outside with no shirt on, like a freak, and had some friend inside the apartment with the music blasting and both of them still drinking for the last two hours.

I flipped out and started screaming, get out, get out..........I do not like this friend of his at all. He is just as much of an alcoholic as the rest of us.

I just wanted to call it a night and not party and not have any company. So I flipped. Before Boyfriend walked out the door, he took both hands to my neck and gave me a jerk and a squeeze. His friend was already out the door so I have no witness.

I had lost my cell phone and was very scared. I didn't want him coming back. Well he came back and was pissed. I had tried to lock him out with no success. This pissed him off even more. He shoved me again.

I went to the police precinct and filed a report. He denied touching me. They asked me if I wanted him arrested and I said no. They came to the apartment and spoke to him as well.

It was just a big mess. Drunk, I had sent an email late last night to several people including my parents, uncle, friends........and have set off a firestorm of conversation and my Dad is really pissed. After years of never speaking to my mother about anything more than the weather, she listened to me and talked to me and told me I had some serious thinking to do.

My hands are tied with us both being on the lease. I don't know how much work it would take to get him off this lease. Everything in this apartment belongs to me except for most of the food in the fridge and cupboards.

He makes up things - for instance, last night he said I threw a salad in his face at the restaurant - completely untrue!

I just want my non-life back. I had a peaceful life before and I want it back. He will never stop drinking.

I considered attending an AA meeting tonight but I was on my feet all day yesterday and did laundry today and now I have shin splints. I work on my feet and have a very tough schedule this week so I am turning to this forum in lieu of AA. I also work at night so finding a daytime meeting is a challenge.

He did come in the bedroom today while I was sleeping and told me he loved me and kissed me and I kissed him back.........I do love him but I cannot be in a relationship with someone as nutty or nuttier than me. He is also incredibly vain. He knows I want to break up because he heard me say it on the phone to my father this morning. I just don't see how we can make this relationship work unless he gets a job (he's very bright, has a college degree) and drinks every day while I'm at work. He is accident prone and his latest accident was to crash his head into a stop sign while riding his bicycle and he got a concussion.

So that's the update on my life. My last post was Dec. 21, 2007. So much has happened in the past year, I cannot even begin to detail the pain, shame, stress and anger that I've been through. I actually think I may be bipolar and am definitely depressed. I cry all the time. I definitely need to stop drinking. So today is the first day of the rest of my life. He is passed out on the sofa and I want to watch Desperate Housewives but I don't want to wake him up. Even though it's my tv and my futon he's sleeping on.

God Bless any and all that have read through this message. It is long and I appreciate you listening.

Shannon