I hear myself constantly saying I dont deserve this and I say out loud that I dont deserve this.
I thought the doubt in my mind was over and that I truly believed that I dont deserve this.
It is still hanging over my head, I am depressed, I am letting myself go. I went to weight watchers and I lost 58 lbs a couple of years ago and this last year I have put back on twenty lbs. I got down to 119. I certainly wasnt a Fat A** anymore and now that I have gained some weight back it really hurt that he said that to me. I havent been able to afford to get my hair done and so my self image of myself has really gone down the tubes.
I keep saying that I am going to start today fresh, and I look in the mirror and have no power to do anything. I am going backwards and I know it.
I lost weight for me, and I was exercising for me, and I quit smoking for me. I was very active with my kids, I still am active taking them here and there but it takes me everything in my power to get up off that couch and do it, dreading some things.
I spent so much time walking and playing with my dogs and I dont want to anymore. Everything and everyone is getting on my nerves and I have no patience anymore. I find myself being very short, aggravated, and pressured. I want to say no sometimes to the kids but I find myself saying yes just to get them out of my hair. I want to shut myself in a room and just have piece and quiet.
I am not in a good state of mind right now. I dont want to cook and I dont want to clean.
Then I feel like a freak for feeling this way, and I get yelled at for not washing laundry or mating socks or cleaning something. Then what keeps me going is that my kids dont get blamed for doing nothing.
I am sorry I will stop, I just feel like I need help and someone to reach out too, without getting ridiculed and yelled at.
I have every co-dependent book that was written and I have read them, I think I have been giving up on myself.