Weak/Strong

Old 10-03-2008, 11:27 AM
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Weak/Strong

quite often I forget to give my h receipts for debit transactions that I make. He was paying the bill yesterday and I was on my way home from work had to make a couple of stops. At my last stop my cell rings and it is him, very upset that I did not give him the receipts. Every transaction that I made, I told him about but I did not give him receipts.

So I was listening to him B******** at me all the way home and when I got home, I asked him where all the money went if we both got paid, and he got offended by that and said if you want to know get your Fat A** up here, I said what did you call me he said Fat A**, I immediatley hung up the phone, I got my keys and my purse and left.

He called me not long after I left and I answered the phone telling him I dont deserve to be talked to like that, nor do I deserve to be call a Fat A**. I said I wasnt even home from work yet and you start in on me. After I said that to him the last thing he said to me is you can go home cause I am gone.

I chose not to go home, I knew that he would be back soon and I was angry with him for talking to me the way that he did, so I stayed gone. My phone started ringing again and I didnt want to talk to him it did no good talking to him the first time and I know that it wouldnt this time either. He must have called me 40 times and I chose not to answer, why just to get yelled at. He left me text messages, "you wanna play", let the games begin.


I went and sat a park for awhile thinking, then I drove a bit, then I went to walmart area and I was gone for 3 1/2 hours. I still didnt want to go home, but honestly I had no place to go and my kids were about to come home and I didnt want them there without me home.

I went upstairs when I got home and he came in from the garage and had that evil look in his eyes. He accuse me of sleeping with someone and just started with the name calling, I sat there and said I am sorry I didnt give you the receipts, things eased down quite a bit. I went downstairs to help my younges daughter with her homework and then I layed in her bed with her and then move to the couch.

Where I spent the rest of the night.

Things ease up a bit and I dont follow through with what my mind is telling me to do. I was planning an attorney and planning this and that and I did none of what I wanted or stated that I was going to do.

I am almost afraid to come on here and say anything because of my last post of feeling so strong and calling an attorney and finding a place.

I am a lost sole and I have been really trying hard to figure out who I am. I feel like I am this week pathetic person, that dont care at all about herself otherwise I would not remain where I am at.

Being strong is not staying, being strong is leaving.
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Old 10-03-2008, 11:40 AM
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Being strong is doing whats right for you right now.
It's not really anything to do with staying or leaving IMO.

Lots of us have plans in our heads, but don't follow through for one reason or another, or maybe it takes a while to put the plans into action, it doesn't mean they're weak, maybe the plan isn't clear enough or it isn't time.

Lots of people leave but it doesn't mean they're neccessarily stonger.
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Old 10-03-2008, 11:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Cassey View Post
I am a lost sole and I have been really trying hard to figure out who I am. I feel like I am this week pathetic person, that dont care at all about herself otherwise I would not remain where I am at.

Being strong is not staying, being strong is leaving.
Yep, that was me, too. Being strong, to me, has nothing to do with staying or leaving.

One day I had my moment of clarity - and I took steps to take care of me. It is only in hindsight I can see just how much I loathed myself for staying in an awful situation. That loathing, in turn, kept me there because I was too depressed to do anything.

What worked for me: Al Anon, individual counseling and our doctor (and SR later). All helped me start to consider I might be a worthwhile person. What a concept.

Be kind to you - you are a good and decent person who deserves to be treated with dignity and respect - in my opinion it starts with self love.

((( )))
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Old 10-03-2008, 11:44 AM
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(((cassey)))
You are not alone and you are not weak. You are starting to recognize what needs to be done and, like lots of us, feel stuck. I was right where you are for months, heck maybe years. I finally reached my bottom just a week ago, I finally had my AHA moment.....it's ugly and it hurts, but I'm riding on the promise of so many here that with time it will get better.

When you are dealing with an irrational person who is so deep in denial, and so good at dragging you into it (the denial), it's hard to sort out what's real and what's not. IMO that's where they like to keep you......constantly doubting yourself and keeping off-centered. It's hard to listen to your gut when there's so much noise in your head.

I suppose I still love my AH, but I'm going to have to cut him free or the dynamic of our relationship will kill both of us. He'll keep drinking and I'll keep getting sicker right along with him.
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Old 10-03-2008, 12:02 PM
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Cassey, back in May when I joined this forum I was EXACTLY where you are now. Please read my past posts.......I would feel real strong about knowing what I needed to do, then when I got home from work at night I would lay across the bed and cry because I could not make myself do it. Trust me, YOU WILL KNOW when the time is right to make a change, whether it be leaving or staying. Either way I found that the best thing I ever did was begin to take a close look at myself and what was making me feel so bad all the time. This website was a tremendous help to me. I also read as much as I could get my hands on..I recommend "Co Dependant No More" by Melanie Beatty.
Keep reading and posting here. We all help each other.
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Old 10-03-2008, 12:06 PM
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I hear myself constantly saying I dont deserve this and I say out loud that I dont deserve this.

I thought the doubt in my mind was over and that I truly believed that I dont deserve this.

It is still hanging over my head, I am depressed, I am letting myself go. I went to weight watchers and I lost 58 lbs a couple of years ago and this last year I have put back on twenty lbs. I got down to 119. I certainly wasnt a Fat A** anymore and now that I have gained some weight back it really hurt that he said that to me. I havent been able to afford to get my hair done and so my self image of myself has really gone down the tubes.

I keep saying that I am going to start today fresh, and I look in the mirror and have no power to do anything. I am going backwards and I know it.

I lost weight for me, and I was exercising for me, and I quit smoking for me. I was very active with my kids, I still am active taking them here and there but it takes me everything in my power to get up off that couch and do it, dreading some things.

I spent so much time walking and playing with my dogs and I dont want to anymore. Everything and everyone is getting on my nerves and I have no patience anymore. I find myself being very short, aggravated, and pressured. I want to say no sometimes to the kids but I find myself saying yes just to get them out of my hair. I want to shut myself in a room and just have piece and quiet.

I am not in a good state of mind right now. I dont want to cook and I dont want to clean.

Then I feel like a freak for feeling this way, and I get yelled at for not washing laundry or mating socks or cleaning something. Then what keeps me going is that my kids dont get blamed for doing nothing.

I am sorry I will stop, I just feel like I need help and someone to reach out too, without getting ridiculed and yelled at.

I have every co-dependent book that was written and I have read them, I think I have been giving up on myself.
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Old 10-03-2008, 01:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Cassey View Post
I am sorry I will stop, I just feel like I need help and someone to reach out too, without getting ridiculed and yelled at.
Argh!!!! I feel like weeping - this was me and it breaks my heart you are going through it, too. Apologizing for BEING!!!

Can you talk to your doctor about depression? There is help and no one has to live this way. Life is to be enjoyed - it's a precious gift.

Keep posting!

(((Cassey)))
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Old 10-03-2008, 01:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Cassey View Post
It is still hanging over my head, I am depressed, I am letting myself go. I went to weight watchers and I lost 58 lbs a couple of years ago and this last year I have put back on twenty lbs. I got down to 119. I certainly wasnt a Fat A** anymore and now that I have gained some weight back it really hurt that he said that to me. I havent been able to afford to get my hair done and so my self image of myself has really gone down the tubes.
And even if you put all the weight back on and more, he has no right to call you that. It's a horrible thing to say. And if you were looking your best right now, he would probably find another way to put you down. It's not you, it's him, so don't apologize.
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Old 10-03-2008, 01:42 PM
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cassey, I am sorry to hear you are feeling so sad. I have been there too.

There are days when my husband comes home and starts complaining as soon as he hits the door. Or if he gets home first as soon as I hit the door. :chatter
He used to call me at work in the early afternoon to ask me what I was going to fix him for dinner! (He doesn't do that anymore, some boundries I can stick by)

I sometimes feel like I am the very poorly paid help. When I get overwhelmed like that I try to take some time for myself. In fact that is why I logged on here today. I am getting tired of laundry, housework, and need a break. I am the hardest on myself as far as just pushing on with work.

Take care of yourself, you are a good person and deserve to be treated well.
Keep posting, as I think we all gain from helping each other and seeing the common threads we share and learning how to deal with things in a healthy way. I used to deal with everything by "trying harder" still have days when I do, but not as often. :ghug3
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Old 10-03-2008, 01:55 PM
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I think it's a vicious cycle. I start thinking about all the BAD things, and pretty soon all I can see are the BAD things. I don't even notice the good things.

I like Anvil's suggestion of taking a little time out. And, if you can, during that short period of peace and solitude, give yourself some congratulations for how far you have come. You realize you don't deserve the treatment you are getting. Did you even think about that before? You know you have to make some changes. Did you know that before? You've come a long way, so pat yourself on the back, okay?

I stayed stuck for a long time, even when I knew I wanted out. Why? Because I kept looking at EVERYTHING that had to be done. Then I would just get overwhelmed and give up. As soon as I made the decision to start doing little things, I started making progress. So maybe hiring an attorney, filing for divorce, and leaving is too much to bite off right now. So, how about getting your hair done instead. Take a little step and it will make the big steps seem more within reach. Recovery has no deadline or timeline. All you can do is keep heading in the direction you want to go.

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