(((NYC))) I read your post and got teary-eyed- for you and for those of us here who have voiced similar sadness.
I absolutely love what GL had to say about that inner child running to hide. I have a photo of me around the age of 2 that I look at from time to time to remind myself of what I am doing on this path I'm on- protecting her. I wear a locket on a necklace with that same photo (of ME?! LOL) to keep that little girl on my mind. I will never let anyone hurt her again. It's going to take a lot of work to be that strong, but I want to do it. Sometimes- like you- I feel like I am sliding back into the abyss, but I try to remember it's temporary. I need to feel the sadness and then move on again. I also have the same feelings of ugliness, unworthiness, etc. But I tell myself that those feelings come from STBXAH' words and actions, and I am giving him way too much power. My goal is to love myself, and I try very hard to keep him out of my head. He's a horrible tenant, so why give him the space?
I don't know about what's real and what isn't- Did STBXAH love me? Yes- I am sure he did- in the best way he knew how, but it wasn't good enough for me. I was settling for scraps. I hope to be with someone healthy someday, but I know I won't be ready for that until I am truly healthy- slowly, but surely. I hope you feel better today. You have brought a lot of good to this forum. I believe you deserve a healthy, respectful relationship. I hope you'll try to figure out how to get that.