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I feel lost.

Old 09-26-2008, 07:37 PM
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I feel lost.

At the beginning of the week I thought maybe I was ready to date. Not so. Now I think it may be far away for me. My wanting to date, I now think, had to do with being rejected again. Its part of my "wound" as our couples therapist used to say.

I don't feel good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, ect. and I don't know where I lost myself. I love my ex still, but the truth is he has been rejecting me since the day we met. I was never enough for him. I don't think I ever would be. I feel incredibly sad that this is what I have to show for the past 4 years of my life... being with someone who never really cared about how I felt and being a women who is likely so easily replaced it makes my heart hurt to think about how worthless I was/am to him.

I would say I want my life back, but I don't even know what that means right now. I don't know how to pick myself up off the floor.

I keep thinking about all the lies and manipulation and false promises. I don't know what was real or fake. The night he told me about his drinking, I thought I was getting engaged because he said he was ready and my friend was helping him find a ring. Now I wonder if that was all an act too. Another hook. How could I mean so little to someone I love so much? How could I have been so wrong about the truth of my life?

I realize I wasn't with him a lifetime, but I really thought I found my person. There were times I would lay next to him and cuddle very close to him and think "there is no other place in the world I would rather be."

I just feel heartbroken and lost. I thought I was past this part of understanding this disease and if he's not sick, like he says he's not, then what does that say about me?

Crazy-making. I can't get past it and get back on track. Where have I been for all this time and where am I even at now?

Sorry for the rant and thanks for reading : )
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Old 09-26-2008, 07:52 PM
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I understand what you are saying NYC. I, too, am having a hard time dealing with the disappointment. I, too, thought - knew - I found my person. I have turned myself inside out for him. To help him get where he said he wanted to be (he has mental illness in addition to addiction). There is no place I want to be except with him - except when he is using/drinking, which basically voids his mental illness meds, and all heck breaks loose. I have turned myself inside out to learn how to set the boundaries and enforce them, so that he can learn and grow into a healthy, mature man. And it is so frustrating to see his mom come along and undo all that I have worked so hard to do. I feel like she is stealing any chance of his recovery and growth. I feel like she is stealing the chance for me to get my husband back. I am dealing with some serious disappointment right now. And the fact that he goes running to his mommy, who he can manipulate, instead of making any attempt whatsoever to try to salvage our marriage, because I will not bend on my demands, is a serious, serious "kicked to the curb" feeling.

I really truly am sorry for your pain. I don't know how to rise from it either. I feel like I've lost myself as well. There is a "me" that functions day to day - goes through the motions - work, taking care of the house, the pets, paying the bills, etc. But where is ME? Who is ME? Would I recognize ME if she came to my door? How did this happen?

Hugs.
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Old 09-26-2008, 08:20 PM
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Sending out good thoughts to both of you. I've just begun to find "me" again, after years with alcoholics, but it took quite a long time.

Have you ever thought of working with a life coach (not necessarily a counselor) ? It was funny.....I went back to my own therapist guy for counseling, but he had changed his focus so he was no longer dealing so much with people who were in the depths of suffering, but more with people who were trying to find, as you put it, "ME."

He had some great ideas, things to try, "homework," exercises, stuff to read, movies to see (seriously) all centered on remembering I was and what I loved. NOT someone elses version of those two things, but my own, long lost under the crushing weight of alcoholism.

I think I've talked about this before, how much I loved going through Martha Beck's stuff, like The Joy Diet. Because it's funny, and sharp-tempered, all about me, me, me, me, and not focusing on my pain & suffering but on my dreams, what I want to do with my time here, what I love more than anything, who I WANT to be (as opposed to what someone else's actions convinced me I was)

Anyway, you might consider that kind of work with yourself, if you're open to that kind of thing.

I know that when I started, I was in the depths of despair, and felt ugly, stupid, useless, and completely undesirable. But somewhere along the way I started to like the trip.......it was a like a treasure hunt, refinding first one piece of me, then another, then another.....and now I really like it a lot, even though I've found that long-lost GL. Tearful reunion, you can bet.

Hugs to you, NYC - I've been following your story and I want you to find the beauty in your life again. And screw what "he" has to say about it.
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Old 09-26-2008, 08:30 PM
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Originally Posted by NYC_Chick View Post
I don't feel good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, ect. and I don't know where I lost myself. I love my ex still, but the truth is he has been rejecting me since the day we met. I was never enough for him. I don't think I ever would be.
Perhaps your feelings of not being "enough" stem from him not finding you to be "enough." Seeking validation from other people, particularly addicts, often leads us to feel disappointment with ourselves. I had to begin finding the value in myself as a person, regardless of other's opinions.

I am sure you have feelings for your ex, but perhaps you should start looking at the feelings of love you claim you have for someone you feel was rejecting you from the get-go.

We are never enough for addicts. We love. We give. We give some more. We wear ourselves out. Moving heaven and earth is never enough. We cannot fill up their void.

Nor can they fill our's.
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Old 09-26-2008, 08:30 PM
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GL: You make me cry in a good way. Thank your for your thoughts.

The couples therapist we used to go to together is exactly how you describe. I got a lot out of it when we went. I stopped going to her and continued with my regular therapist. She recently contacted me, so I may go back as I think she will be able to help me move past these insecurities and second-guessing. I hope so at least. It's funny, a couple of weeks ago I was a different person. I don't know where she went.
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Old 09-26-2008, 08:46 PM
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Just sending you girls hugs and hoping you find your way back to happiness. I hate what these men have done to you but I know you can conquer this. Heck~~you put up with alcoholics and lived..NOW~~live for yourselves. Smiles, Bonnie
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Old 09-26-2008, 08:53 PM
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Originally Posted by NYC_Chick View Post
It's funny, a couple of weeks ago I was a different person. I don't know where she went.
If you're anything at all like me, "she" didn't go anywhere. She's just hiding somewhere inside you where she can't get hurt again. When I exposed that "genuine me" to the mindless, irrational suffering that alcoholics dish out on a regular basis, when I threatened to expose her to that madness again, she took off and hid like an abused child.

She's not far. You just have to prove to her you aren't going to let her get hurt again. She knows what love is.

Good night's sleep, NYC. Tomorrow may dawn on a completely different you.
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Old 09-26-2008, 09:00 PM
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You are feeling down about yourself because of what a mentally sick person thinks of you? Do his actions honestly surprise you? Why taunt yourself with what used to be anyway? Just because you are lonely don't think that your toxic relationship was worth it.
It also sounds like you were "in love" with what could have been.
It was what it was, nothing more.......nothing less.

It's time to move on. People reinvent themselves all the time. Take it for what it was worth and learn from it and be a better person because of it.
I know what it's like to have your life all planned out and then the rug being pulled out from under neath you but you eventually pick yourself up and this will be a thing of the past.
I wouldn't try to analyze it anymore. Let go with love, pick yourself up and brush off. You'll be ok.
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Old 09-27-2008, 06:25 AM
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Oh how well I remember falling back into those insecurities, and the pain and self-doubt!

Be gentle with yourself, gal!

It takes time to heal, lots of time.

I have faith that you will get back on track! :ghug2
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Old 09-27-2008, 07:07 AM
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NYC Chick,
I could have written your post. I totally understand. I can't offer much in the way of advice as I have not even attempted to even look at a guy for so long let alone try to have a relationship. Not ready, don't care, too depressed, don't want to go through it again. etc... It also hits me still sometimes that I spent so much time with a guy who really didn't care about me at all. I kind of see it like I have never really had a relationship because It was all wrong. I was told by my XABF last year that I basically could never compare to his AGF. She is what every woman should be, and she "Makes me feel like a man" Is a great cook, dresses properly (thigh high hooker boots and cleavage for all to see) nad ya get the point. Is it bull? Yes...was he drunk when he said it? Yes...I have not talked to or associated with hime since. It has been a full year of no contact and I don't know where he is and it doesn't matter. Point is...I'm still working it all out in MY head. Sometimes I feel like I should just resign to the fact that I will be alone from here on out. There doesn't seem to be a way for me to really GET OVER IT! Not saying its the same for you. I could just be some freak. who knows. Maybe you just need more time. maybe I just need to build a shack in the woods and live like the witch in hansel and grettle.
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Old 09-27-2008, 09:15 AM
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Hi NYC - I am so proud of you for focusing on yourself and not choosing to look externally (new guy) to make you feel validated/better!!!! That by itself is a HUGE step!

I know what you mean and it has been a struggle for me to not look externally to feel better about myself - men mostly, work even and sometimes even with "toxic" friends.

Yoga and EMDR therapy helps me focus on myself and feel INTERNALLY goos about myself. I am realizing a lot of people look externally in some way or another for validation. My former boss stays late, comes in early, and works way too mcuh because it makes him feel valuable. His family has gotten upset by this multiple times.

I think you are doing so great and I am so proud of you!
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Old 09-27-2008, 11:36 AM
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My therapist refers to this as "regression in service of the ego." Every single time I've been through it (and still), I come out "better" on the other side.

I just remember to feel the feelings, live in the moment.

(((NYC)))
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Old 09-29-2008, 03:11 AM
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I have been through this too NYC. I am starting to believe it is all a progression of our recovery. We are encouraging ourselves to move into healthier ways of living, new ways of thinking through problems etc, and then wham! our mind gets freaked out by all this new stuff and goes back to the old familiar and safety of the negative mind we used to dwell within. It is what we know, it is what we can comfortably sit in for a while.

It is not a coincidence that you say you began to feel this way after thinking you may be ready to move into new relationships. You were taking your body and mind to a new stage of recovery that is completely unfamiliar to you. All of your recovery techniques would have to come into play, and then wham! you woke up feeling afraid, insecure, unworthy and caught up in memories of th past and how things coulda shoulda.

Like Denny says, it is a ''regression of your ego'', just a way for your mind to feel ''comfortable'' even though now you know that it is not a healthy way to behave it is still the familiar.

You are going through the process, feel what you are feeling, aske yourself what messages you are hearing and where these come from. You can work through this to be a much stronger you, you don't have to remain stuck here.

Be strong, remember your recovery messages, and allow this to happen, you will feel better in the long run!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 09-30-2008, 02:02 PM
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NYC Chick, this too shall pass. Just hang in there. I agree with everyone that has posted thus far and I haven't reached where you are yet. At one point it crossed my mind that I might be ready to date but I caught myself really quick and said NO, NOT YET!
Please don't let anyone bring you down or crush your ego. I have enjoyed reading your posts and you always have something helpful to say. I can just tell there is SO MUCH good in you! When the right man does come along, you have much to offer and you DESERVE someone who truly loves and respects you. Don't be in a hurry.

Keep your chin up
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Old 10-01-2008, 12:51 PM
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(((NYC))) I read your post and got teary-eyed- for you and for those of us here who have voiced similar sadness.

I absolutely love what GL had to say about that inner child running to hide. I have a photo of me around the age of 2 that I look at from time to time to remind myself of what I am doing on this path I'm on- protecting her. I wear a locket on a necklace with that same photo (of ME?! LOL) to keep that little girl on my mind. I will never let anyone hurt her again. It's going to take a lot of work to be that strong, but I want to do it. Sometimes- like you- I feel like I am sliding back into the abyss, but I try to remember it's temporary. I need to feel the sadness and then move on again. I also have the same feelings of ugliness, unworthiness, etc. But I tell myself that those feelings come from STBXAH' words and actions, and I am giving him way too much power. My goal is to love myself, and I try very hard to keep him out of my head. He's a horrible tenant, so why give him the space?

I don't know about what's real and what isn't- Did STBXAH love me? Yes- I am sure he did- in the best way he knew how, but it wasn't good enough for me. I was settling for scraps. I hope to be with someone healthy someday, but I know I won't be ready for that until I am truly healthy- slowly, but surely. I hope you feel better today. You have brought a lot of good to this forum. I believe you deserve a healthy, respectful relationship. I hope you'll try to figure out how to get that.
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Old 10-01-2008, 01:08 PM
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I've got a similar photo, Pajarito I look at it, see that kid that didn't do anything wrong, tried the best she could.

I sometimes won't do the right things to protect myself.

But I find I'll do almost anything to protect HER.

Fooling the codie within, I guess LOL

Hugs,
GL
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Old 10-01-2008, 01:13 PM
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I know what you mean GL- and don't get me started on dd. My bear claws come out if anyone tries to mess with her. Now- if I could just be that protective with myself. . .
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