Welcome Darth,
have a read of the sticky posts at the top of this forum or any other. These are the locked threads that contain a wealth of information, advice and knowledge about alcoholism, the addict and how all this can affect us as the family/friends/loved ones and CHILDREN of the addict; and it can make US very sick too.
The first thing I think that is important to begin to understand is the three C's -
You did not cause it,
You cannot CURE it
You cannot CONTROL it,
I cannot stress enough just how much your children and hers are being affected by all this. Whether you are aware of it or not they are learning life lessons from the both of you about how to deal with addiction, conflict, stressers and self esteem. Pop over to the ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) forum to see how living with an addicted parent, and with a compliant non addictive parent can affect the life of the child right up to adulthood.
I would seriously recommend that any plans to bring yet another child into the mix here be put on hold! Your wife has a serious problem, that unfortunately is PROGRESSIVE unless an alcoholic finds recovery through a 12 step programme or similiar to it, they have little chance of finding and MAINTAINING their sobriety, and the ability to stay 'functioning' begins to fall apart.
Other than that, both of you seem at ends about how to actually raise a child, so without coming to an understanding (which by the way would only be coherent and adhered to with a sober parent) about how to do this, the poor child would be stuck between two adults who bicker and squabble about him/her. Parents need to ''sing from the same hymn sheet'' if they are to raise a successful, healthy adult.
One more thing, you cannot argue with an alcoholic. It is pointless, they will twist turn and manipulate to get what they want - to continue DRINKING, you will not stand in their way, or change their view point on that. Only the A can decide whether they want to stop, and they will only do that when THEY want to, when THEY are ready.
Get a hold of ''Codependant No More'' by Melody Beattie, an excellent book! Begin learning to detach from her behaviour - it is not yours to fix or heal, you will not stop it; your emotions do not have to be blown around by hers.
Try to find an Al-anon meeting to go to, that will help you find tools to cope with home life, and if they are old enough Ala-teen for the kids.
Keep reading and posting, you can get through this to be a happier and stronger you.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
