nodrinkingzone

Well, it's been a while since I happened upon these shores. I found myself a life-raft here, and whaddya know... I made it past 100 days back at the start of the year, beyond sobriety to another kinda messed up place, and here I've found myself knocking back two bottles of wine a night again. damn... it's crazy how it happens, hey?

I'm scared, man. I found myself in a place after almost four months that I didn't like - the place where I realised I didn't like myself sober, and was happier being oblivious. But now I reckon I have more regret, I say things I shouldn't, and I wonder where it's going to end up. There's a rational, logical part of my brain that thinks I'll be far better off if I don't drink any more, if I don't smoke any more, if I treat my body with the respect it deserves, and I can see myself as a poison-free individual, but I'm just so scared that i'll realise I don't like myself and I'm still a duckhead when I'm sober and straight.

I guess I was drawn back here because I need to finish what I started, but I can see years of fun going down the tube and me not being able to enjoy all the good times I could have getting drunk and singing karaoke, dancing in the rain and kicking cans along a deserted street at 3am (or whatever, you know?).

I know I can do all these things sober, and do them better, but maybe I'm afraid of my own ability to enjoy myself? I don't know any more.

Don't know if anyone remembers me, but it's been an interesting time. I am still inappropriate when drunk, occasionally arrogant, usually humble after the fact and generally pleasant, but I noticed that after a few months off everything I started to get hypersensitive to life. I freaked out, got emotionally involved in things that shouldn't have been so serious, and took things far too far. i couldn't read people any more, and became so self-absorbed that I didn't have any ability to see other points of view. I seem to be able to do this better when I'm a bit loose, but maybe that's the imbalance that needs to be corrected, I don't know.

I've heard people say it takes a long time to get back to balance, and I know that's a hard thing to ask of myself, but I think I'm almost ready to give it another shot. I finally started my career as a teacher, and I drank a bottle of wine and took 16 painkillers before I showed up to class today. This is not a good precursor for how I want to live my life. I've consumed a bottle of wine now, and I've had a couple more painkillers (nothing serious, but codeine based ahhhhh) and I do not see how I can figure this out on my own (again).

I guess I'll get up in the morning and read this, and start to decide what I want from my life (again), but I guess something had to come out and this is it.

It's nice to see some familiar names around, and to know that some are doing well and others are fighting the same fight that we all fought together at the start of the year. You are all inspiring me to make a choice that should ultimately change my life for the better. I'm trying to inspire myself at the same time, but it would be nice to have some company.

Thanks for taking the time, I'll see you in 9 hours or so,

NDZ