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Evening SR, how's it going?

Old 09-25-2008, 07:52 AM
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Fighting the good fight
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Evening SR, how's it going?

Well, it's been a while since I happened upon these shores. I found myself a life-raft here, and whaddya know... I made it past 100 days back at the start of the year, beyond sobriety to another kinda messed up place, and here I've found myself knocking back two bottles of wine a night again. damn... it's crazy how it happens, hey?

I'm scared, man. I found myself in a place after almost four months that I didn't like - the place where I realised I didn't like myself sober, and was happier being oblivious. But now I reckon I have more regret, I say things I shouldn't, and I wonder where it's going to end up. There's a rational, logical part of my brain that thinks I'll be far better off if I don't drink any more, if I don't smoke any more, if I treat my body with the respect it deserves, and I can see myself as a poison-free individual, but I'm just so scared that i'll realise I don't like myself and I'm still a duckhead when I'm sober and straight.

I guess I was drawn back here because I need to finish what I started, but I can see years of fun going down the tube and me not being able to enjoy all the good times I could have getting drunk and singing karaoke, dancing in the rain and kicking cans along a deserted street at 3am (or whatever, you know?).

I know I can do all these things sober, and do them better, but maybe I'm afraid of my own ability to enjoy myself? I don't know any more.

Don't know if anyone remembers me, but it's been an interesting time. I am still inappropriate when drunk, occasionally arrogant, usually humble after the fact and generally pleasant, but I noticed that after a few months off everything I started to get hypersensitive to life. I freaked out, got emotionally involved in things that shouldn't have been so serious, and took things far too far. i couldn't read people any more, and became so self-absorbed that I didn't have any ability to see other points of view. I seem to be able to do this better when I'm a bit loose, but maybe that's the imbalance that needs to be corrected, I don't know.

I've heard people say it takes a long time to get back to balance, and I know that's a hard thing to ask of myself, but I think I'm almost ready to give it another shot. I finally started my career as a teacher, and I drank a bottle of wine and took 16 painkillers before I showed up to class today. This is not a good precursor for how I want to live my life. I've consumed a bottle of wine now, and I've had a couple more painkillers (nothing serious, but codeine based ahhhhh) and I do not see how I can figure this out on my own (again).

I guess I'll get up in the morning and read this, and start to decide what I want from my life (again), but I guess something had to come out and this is it.

It's nice to see some familiar names around, and to know that some are doing well and others are fighting the same fight that we all fought together at the start of the year. You are all inspiring me to make a choice that should ultimately change my life for the better. I'm trying to inspire myself at the same time, but it would be nice to have some company.

Thanks for taking the time, I'll see you in 9 hours or so,

NDZ
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Old 09-25-2008, 08:02 AM
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Hi,

Welcome back! And, yes, I remember you.

I agree with you that facing life as a sober person is very scary. I was absolutely scared of what I would found when I had to look at myself without any safety net. And, you know, some of things I had believed about myself weren't true. In many ways, I wasn't the person I had pretended to be. But, in other ways, I was happy with what I found. All in all, I found I person, who was far from perfect, but a person that I could begin to like.

I'm glad you're back.
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Old 09-25-2008, 08:31 AM
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let it grow!
 
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nice to see you back, ndz. keep posting! hugs, k
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Old 09-25-2008, 08:47 AM
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Originally Posted by nodrinkingzone View Post
I finally started my career as a teacher, and I drank a bottle of wine and took 16 painkillers before I showed up to class today.

Good for you for coming back! Can you possibly imagine what would happen if you get caught drunk and drugged at school? That would be the end of your career as a teacher.

Hang in there it will take time. What do I know, its only been 15 days for me...but so far it is way better. You've been to that bad place and you know it is NOT a better place.
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Old 09-25-2008, 09:10 AM
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hi ndz

lets walk the road together

:ghug2
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Old 09-25-2008, 12:58 PM
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Hi NDZ,
I hope that what you just said helps you as much as it has helped me. A big thank you NDZ
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Old 09-25-2008, 01:14 PM
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Hmm...
I don't remember that you abused pain meds before
is that something new?

Welcome back to SR....
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Old 09-25-2008, 01:42 PM
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I have the same problem: that I don't like myself much, even tho I like myself/my life better sober than drinking. But I'm working on my self esteem issues, at least I'm dealing with it sober.

I hope you can find peace in your life. You sound like you want to be sober and clean-living, for the good of your body and soul. But you're afraid of how you'll get along with yourself without any chemical intervention. Me too. But I'm still going to stay sober cause I like life better that way.

Welcome back. We'll be glad to support you in a clean and sober life, you know that. Do'nt stay away too long.

:ghug3
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Old 09-25-2008, 01:55 PM
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welcome back NDZ.

I know I found to stay stopped took a lot more than just not drinking.
I hope you decide to give it another go - it sounds pretty rough, mate.

D
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Old 09-25-2008, 02:01 PM
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Fraid to say the path you're on can only end badly I reckon.

Pills and drink and being a teacher can't mix, how long before a pupil realises, parent complains or your health gets too bad to turn in ?

As you know there are other paths though ..............

I too find things hard at times sober, keep having to remind myself I would be worse off going back, might still sometime, then I'll eventually be back in your shoes .......

Its a cycle but with time I hope we can break the cycle !

As I write there's an advert for vodka on the Telly, temptation is everywhere.

I hope you get well and enjoy your career before you get caught out.
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Old 09-25-2008, 02:24 PM
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Hey NDZ!

Welcome back! I've been waiting for ya .

Originally Posted by nodrinkingzone View Post
I'm scared, man. I found myself in a place after almost four months that I didn't like - the place where I realised I didn't like myself sober, and was happier being oblivious...

I guess I was drawn back here because I need to finish what I started, but I can see years of fun going down the tube and me not being able to enjoy all the good times I could have getting drunk...

I finally started my career as a teacher, and I drank a bottle of wine and took 16 painkillers before I showed up to class today. This is not a good precursor for how I want to live my life. I've consumed a bottle of wine now, and I've had a couple more painkillers (nothing serious, but codeine based ahhhhh)...
You realize how insane all of this sounds? How fun is it? Really.

You need to be patient and work a good recovery program. There is much more enjoyment in sobriety than in active alcoholism & addiction. Don't kid yourself. And there are going to be those rough days especially early on. Do what you have to do to get through them. I have been sober for about 9 months and I still have my off day's - that's life.

You also have to find a way to stop being so hypersensitive, to get out of your own head. AA, counselling, whatever works for you.

Congrats on the new career! This could be the start of a new, positive time in your life. But you do have some important decisions to make.

Take care.
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Old 09-25-2008, 04:20 PM
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Welcome back to th jouney
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Old 09-25-2008, 08:25 PM
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Originally Posted by nodrinkingzone View Post
I noticed that after a few months off everything I started to get hypersensitive to life. I freaked out, got emotionally involved in things that shouldn't have been so serious, and took things far too far. i couldn't read people any more, and became so self-absorbed that I didn't have any ability to see other points of view.
“When a warrior learns to stop the internal dialogue, everything becomes possible."

It's really good to see you back bro.
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Old 09-26-2008, 02:26 AM
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I finally started my career as a teacher, and I drank a bottle of wine and took 16 painkillers before I showed up to class today.
So-what does it take?I mean-regardless of you possibly losing your job for this and any chance of you being employed anywhere again as a teacher once you're found out-what kind of example are you setting for the kids you ARE responsible for in this position?

Wow.

Denial is a powerful thing I know.

Get some true support.You're obviously not doing very well on your own-and I'm only being this harsh because you are in charge of a whole lot of young people who probably see right through you and it''s just wrong.

I'm glad you're back-but please get some help offline too.You need it.This isn't just about you.You are in a position of responsibility and it's not okay you're doing this.
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Old 11-16-2008, 01:05 AM
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Fighting the good fight
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Soooooo... I'm going back to my first AA meeting in about 8 months tomorrow. I'm going to take a mate who just trashed his house, and who needs to stop drinking as badly as a I do.

I'm looking forward to it!

I've got an idea that my life can be as I envision it, and I think (man, I know) that I'm ready to do this properly, to stay focused, to first learn the meaning of the word focus, to practise focus, and to do all the things I want to do without /wasting/ any more time.

When I'm wasted, my time is wasted and I rarely do the things I enjoy. I've chosen bushwalking for the last few weeks, but I think that's because I can justify drinking a few beers/wines while I'm walking - that said, my health is starting to suffer and I'm only 32. I can't breathe in the morning from cigarette smoke, and I can't sleep properly because of alcohol.

Also, I understand what people are saying about responsibility, and I have lots on my shoulders - if it helps (and I know it doesn't) I teach adult immigrants English, I'm not teaching the politicians of tomorrow or anything, but they deserve as much if my sober expertise as an impressionable 12 year old anyway.

I'm back, tomorrow is day 1, I'm still self-absorbed and delusional (who isn't? lol) but I'm going to jump on the train tomorrow and I'm bringing a mate.

Life already looks better.


Bring on the summer! Woooooo000ooo000o0o
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