Originally Posted by
SelfSeeking 
Thank you. I feel like no one understands how desperate I feel. I wasn't bs'ing when I came to AA, admitting to myself that my life is not manageable... that the way things were was intolerable... the powerlessness. I'm in the middle of my last year of graduate school and things are falling apart, even though I'm not drinking. I'm sure they'd be a lot worse if I was, but I'm in crisis mode, I don't have time to screw around, and my emotional state is... not good? I was a solitary drinker for the most part. I worked really hard to maintain appearances. Maybe I'm too good at it.
Sorry for highjacking the thread. Just.. have you ever had the feeling like you're screaming and no one can hear you? This has got to stop!
What you are speaking of is the condition that this thread is addressing.
Left in that condition, seperated from the sunlight of the spirit, there is no choice but to drink. The steps are about removing what seperates an alcoholic from the sunlight of the spirit. In the sunlight of the spirit, in a recovered state, there is no choice to drink, because the problem has been removed.
You are at the turning point, the jumping off place. The place that alcoholics get to sober, not drunk. The place where, in my experience, I can't get drunk and I can't sober, where I'm terrified to be alone and terrified to be in a crowd. I don't fit in in AA and I don't fit in at the bar. I feel like I'm outside looking in and don't belong anywhere. I feel seperated and apart from. The more I think about not drinking, the more I want to drink. My mind races so fast that there is no space between the thoughts. I can't sleep. I can't stand being where I'm at, so I fill my time with activity and distractions. I buy the lie that AA meetings are for me to dump my stuff and find someone who is worse off than me so that I can feel better. So I go to lots of meetings. People annoy me. I'm thin-skinned. I'm full of resentment, remorse, and self-pity. Maybe I look good on the outside, but inside I feel useless. Some days I feel really good, but kind of empty. I indulge in harmful, meaningless sex and use others for my own gain. I can't stand the silence, it's too loud. Eventually I will either have to drink or blow my head off just to shut it up. I could on, but you get the picture.
This was me six months away from a drink. Worse, not better. It was at this point that I asked for help in Alcoholics Anonymous. I gave up. I stepped from bridge to shore. The next day I saw a readerboard at a church. It said "When you reach your wits' end, that is where you will find God." I haven't had to fight taking a drink from that day to now.
Jim
Big Book references from Alcoholics Anonymous, First Edition