I would go No Contact with the stbxH. Who is protecting YOU from these assaults on your sanity, bank account, emotions? You only have YOU - and you have to rally your inner "Marshall Silverberry" and set up a line of defense...it's no joke.
Right now things may feel chaotic - this is one of the results of years of codie reflex behavior. It is hard to change everything at once - impossible in fact - but just for today you can make a plan and stick to it - choosing one little thing you can actually change.
There was a time in my life (seems like another life actually!!!) when I was making a lot of money. There was an attitude in my family like I should just make available my money for people whenever they were in crisis and asked me for something. Sometimes I wonder if I was brought so low financially by my own inability to stop that insanity - I was incapable at that time of setting/maintaining boundaries. So life has a way of forcing these lessons, often the "hard way." :-(
Now looking back I see that by my passivity I REALLY hurt MYSELF only!!!!!!!!! It wouldn't have hurt my brothers at all if I had said no to paying things for them back in the day- they were adults and they would have figured it out. They might have been angry (in their minds angry with me - but we know what that's all about don't we!!??), but it would not have harmed them if I had said No. N. O.
(((((Silverberry))))) take care of yourself. Remember Silverberry weekend!!!!!!! You can say "No. I am going through something right now, please leave me alone."
B.