Second Chances?
My boyfriend and I met 5 1/2 years ago. he was sober when we met and for the first 9 months of our relationship. He never told me he was an alcoholic and that he had only been sober for just under a year before we met. He wasn't going to AA and wasn't working a program of any kind. His relapse was slow. One drink a week for a while, then two, then three. you get the idea. It didn't really effect the relationship until about a year and a half later. things got really bad and he starting drinking a 12pack a night until he passed out. I would come home and find him completely dead to the world in his lazy boy, all lights on, doors wide open. The last year we were together was bad. there was no longer affection or physical intimacy. We spoke but about everything but the drinking. It got unbearable because with the drinking came all the other problems. lack of trust, communication, insecurities, and so on. I finally got tired and broke it off in December of 2006. We had been living together and when i got home from work the day after our break up, he was drunker than i had ever seen him. he had also made a phone call to a hospital detox center. he wanted help. he goes to detox for a few days but the day he is discharged, refuses the offer of a ride home from me or his parents. the taxi he took home stopped at a liquor store so he could buy beer. he woke me up at about 3am that morning, crying and sobbing. he was asking for help again. he had posted stickies all over the house asking for help and apologizing. he said he needed to go to a long term inpatient program. he said he wanted to pack and take care of some things so we could go after i got home from work.
he willingly went and was taken to a facility just outside our county. the program was 6 weeks long. During that time i had made the decision to go through with our break up. i wasn't in a good place and i needed time for myself to get stronger. i knew he had to focus on his sobriety and i needed to focus on my well being. i moved his things out and got my own apartment. i attended family counseling with him at the facility. after he was discharged, i stopped taking his calls. over the last year and a half he would call, text or email about once a month. he'd tell me he missed me or loved me or was thinking of me. i didn't respond to each one. i love him dearly but i couldn't go back at the time. i was going to alanon and taking care of me. he asked to meet two months ago. it turned into a 6hour meeting. he apologized and we talked about things that had been issues. he actually listened and heard what i was saying. he accepted responsibility and told me that he wanted to be the man for me the he was initially. he wanted to give me everything he couldn't before due to his drinking. he wanted to be there emotionally for me like he couldn't before. he told me that i'm the one he loves and is in love with. he's been sober since his stay in rehab. he's attending meetings regularly but has yet to get a sponsor. he's doing his step work and seems very determined to stay sober. i was hesitant to try again because of all the hurt and pain but i love him dearly. i told him i wanted to go slow and that he couldn't lose sight of AA and his true focus of staying sober. We've seen each other almost once a week since that meeting. sometimes more sometimes less. thing is, he hugs me when he see's me and when he leaves but doesn't seem to want more than that. he doesn't call everyday and for a man that said he wanted to win me back, hasn't made any big efforts. we've talked about what i would like to see and hear from him and he tells me he has to live in the "now." one day at a time. i understand this. i've read countless books and spoken to counselors and therapists. despite all that, is it wrong of me to want more? i realize that his program is his priority because he has to stay sober. i know that i will come second to that always. but is it wrong to expect a little more attention? is it fear maybe? or is he just not ready? i don't know what think. i do love him dearly still but it feels as if it's just at a platonic from him. even if he does tell me he loves me and is attracted to me... this is hard. there's so much i''m omitting, didn't want to take up too much space..but any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you..