Second Chances?

Old 09-16-2008, 08:05 PM
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Question Second Chances?

My boyfriend and I met 5 1/2 years ago. he was sober when we met and for the first 9 months of our relationship. He never told me he was an alcoholic and that he had only been sober for just under a year before we met. He wasn't going to AA and wasn't working a program of any kind. His relapse was slow. One drink a week for a while, then two, then three. you get the idea. It didn't really effect the relationship until about a year and a half later. things got really bad and he starting drinking a 12pack a night until he passed out. I would come home and find him completely dead to the world in his lazy boy, all lights on, doors wide open. The last year we were together was bad. there was no longer affection or physical intimacy. We spoke but about everything but the drinking. It got unbearable because with the drinking came all the other problems. lack of trust, communication, insecurities, and so on. I finally got tired and broke it off in December of 2006. We had been living together and when i got home from work the day after our break up, he was drunker than i had ever seen him. he had also made a phone call to a hospital detox center. he wanted help. he goes to detox for a few days but the day he is discharged, refuses the offer of a ride home from me or his parents. the taxi he took home stopped at a liquor store so he could buy beer. he woke me up at about 3am that morning, crying and sobbing. he was asking for help again. he had posted stickies all over the house asking for help and apologizing. he said he needed to go to a long term inpatient program. he said he wanted to pack and take care of some things so we could go after i got home from work.
he willingly went and was taken to a facility just outside our county. the program was 6 weeks long. During that time i had made the decision to go through with our break up. i wasn't in a good place and i needed time for myself to get stronger. i knew he had to focus on his sobriety and i needed to focus on my well being. i moved his things out and got my own apartment. i attended family counseling with him at the facility. after he was discharged, i stopped taking his calls. over the last year and a half he would call, text or email about once a month. he'd tell me he missed me or loved me or was thinking of me. i didn't respond to each one. i love him dearly but i couldn't go back at the time. i was going to alanon and taking care of me. he asked to meet two months ago. it turned into a 6hour meeting. he apologized and we talked about things that had been issues. he actually listened and heard what i was saying. he accepted responsibility and told me that he wanted to be the man for me the he was initially. he wanted to give me everything he couldn't before due to his drinking. he wanted to be there emotionally for me like he couldn't before. he told me that i'm the one he loves and is in love with. he's been sober since his stay in rehab. he's attending meetings regularly but has yet to get a sponsor. he's doing his step work and seems very determined to stay sober. i was hesitant to try again because of all the hurt and pain but i love him dearly. i told him i wanted to go slow and that he couldn't lose sight of AA and his true focus of staying sober. We've seen each other almost once a week since that meeting. sometimes more sometimes less. thing is, he hugs me when he see's me and when he leaves but doesn't seem to want more than that. he doesn't call everyday and for a man that said he wanted to win me back, hasn't made any big efforts. we've talked about what i would like to see and hear from him and he tells me he has to live in the "now." one day at a time. i understand this. i've read countless books and spoken to counselors and therapists. despite all that, is it wrong of me to want more? i realize that his program is his priority because he has to stay sober. i know that i will come second to that always. but is it wrong to expect a little more attention? is it fear maybe? or is he just not ready? i don't know what think. i do love him dearly still but it feels as if it's just at a platonic from him. even if he does tell me he loves me and is attracted to me... this is hard. there's so much i''m omitting, didn't want to take up too much space..but any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you..
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Old 09-16-2008, 08:18 PM
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hbb
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Oops i posted on your first thread, so here it is again!

Welcome to SR. You found a great place for help and support. Read the stickies at the tops of the pages. They are very helpful. It is very hard to know what's right or what to do in a situation like this. My exabf was active then got sober but it was alot to handle that's for sure. We are no longer together but what i did discover was myself, i attended Al Anon and came to the realization that i was the most important. Keep the focus on you as he is on him. Take care of you.

Hugs to you, keep reading and others will be along shortly for support and share their experiences and understanding.
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Old 09-16-2008, 09:18 PM
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thanks

Thanks so much Heather. It's helps a great deal to hear from others who have been there and understand. My friends are super supportive but they don't have the same common ground. Thanks so much.
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Old 09-16-2008, 10:03 PM
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Hi there - I have to agree. The main focus must be on you - not on him. He'll take care and work his program. Something that I have done way too many times was to think the ABF would call each day, etc., obsess over it, etc. I had to also learn to detach with love. You can get more about this in alanon.

Welcome! Hope you keep coming back!
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Old 09-17-2008, 04:56 PM
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"Detach with love" i hear it in alanon and have read up on it too and my head gets it just not the rest of me. I know he has to focus on himself but will it always be that way? i don't want to be selfish but i also want a partner that will be there for me. I guess part of it is how much hurt and pain we went through previously. I am trying to let go and start fresh but despite him telling me he loves me, I don't see him really doing the things to let me know.
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Old 09-18-2008, 03:23 PM
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I had similar feelings when my AH first got sober. I just didn't and still don't always understand why he can't just be "normal" At first he couldn't do anything with out drinking. By this I mean, he couldn't bar-b-q , felt he needed a beer to do that. We went on a simple camping trip when he was several months sober he got so freaked out. Spent several days camping at the ocean, he never went to the beach, said he didn't know how. He went to AA meetings with in driving distance. I was on vacation alone with the kids interupted by short periods of helping him look up AA meetings because he was too stressed to do it alone. I wondered what is the point, he was drunk now he's stressed out and leaving for AA. :wtf2 Not what I had in mind.

Don't know if any of that helps, but you are not alone. It seems to take a long time for an A to learn how to live with out drinking. The question I think needs to be answered is , Is this how I want to live? We just don't know how another person is going to do in recovery. Or if it will even stick.

The A may be the most wonderful person but that doesn't mean that you have to want to stay with that person. Its not so much about the A as it is about what you want out of the relationship. At some point the answer will come.
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Old 09-18-2008, 03:31 PM
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I didn't like coming in second to a bottle and I didn't like coming in second to AA. I deserved more than that. And when I began to truly believe it, I ended my relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend.
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