Hi. I plugged "alcoholic co-parenting" into my web browser and was directed to your post. So- I joined this forum just to respond. I am sober (a member of AA since 9-04) and working the Steps. I also attend Al-anon and have a personal/ scholastic interest in psychology/ healing. So: imagine my surprise when I conceived a child with my SA (Al-anon speak for "Significant Alcoholic"). I am "old enough to know better", but I believed that our love and mutual respect would pull us through a co-parenting/ family bond and probably sober "Mike" up, too.
Ummm: wrong. I am a single mom with a blatent alcoholic as a "partner". I am about to see a family lawyer (tip #1) to learn the basics on protecting myself as primary parent. I may or may not want to move, for example. What are the laws in my state? (tip #2) Educate yourself about what you can do to secure custody, child support (if you want it), and other legalities. These things are important.
Imagine what kind of life you want for yourself and your child. Map out (in your mind) a schedule for sharing responsibilities. What does it look like? Is it realistic to expect your active alcoholic to be on time for childcare, or do you feel safe with him as your child's caregiver? What qualities would you look for in a nanny or baby-sitter? Do they match up with the reality of your partner?
I recommend: "Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth" for detailed steps on creating a co-parenting plan. I also recommend getting in touch with a family lawyer in your area. They are expensive, but if you go through creative avenues, you may be able to find one who sees low-income families for free. I recommend seeing a counseler once a month or so, with the alcoholic, to have a structured place to communicate about big issues. And, last but not least, you owe it to yourself to plug in to Al-anon for support, as well as seeking and creating relationships with other single moms.
Talk about what's going on in your life with people you trust. This is your life and you deserve to be happy and whole. Visualize what you want and take the steps to create it. Don't dwell on the negative aspects of your alcoholic or his behavior. His past harms to you are just that. Let go and move forward. All of this, by the way, takes time and emotional processing.
-M