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Old 07-08-2008, 12:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Co-parenting with an alcoholic ex

Since this is where I am struggling the most now, I thought I'd start a thread that maybe could consist of tips and helpful support for those of us trying to navigate co-parenting our children with active (or I guess even recovering) alcoholics.
Been there, done that's, things that were helpful, thngs that were not, what you wished you would have done, what you wish you wouldn't have done.

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Old 07-08-2008, 12:44 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I am co-parenting with a RAH and the only thing that has been stressed to me by my Al-Anon ladies is that we stand together when talking to the kids, if even not going as far as touching each other so that we appear to be one.

We try to discuss in private the decissions that are to be made. WE don't do the ask mom/ask dad thing.

My situation is different of yours because I am still living with my husband.

The important thing here is the kids are already damaged, concentrate on doing no more.

Don't bad mouth the ex, if you have to make the rule what goes on at mommy's house is mommys' business. What goes on at daddy's is daddy's business. Don't get caught up in his life when it's not yours to get in. Make your children a priority, but most importantly don't buy their love. They are not stupid and someday they will regret/resent it.

To coexist in raising your children you need to keep a "working" relationship with him. When your tense around him the kids will sense it and it sets the mode.
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Old 07-08-2008, 03:05 PM   #3 (permalink)

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I had no children with my xAH. But I did go thru a divorce from my childrens' father when they were young. I would think the basics are very much the same except that you also have to figure out the "rules" for when the spouse is active in their alcoholism. There My only suggestion is to consult with an attorney to find out the legal ways to handle visitation and such. Deciding on one's own to limit visitation can cause legal difficulties.

In general, back when the boys' dad and I split, we worked very hard (with some success most of the time) at making sure:

neither of us bad mouthed the other,

stressed to the boys that it was an adult problem and in no way their fault,

stressed that both parents loved them very much no matter what,

were flexible in terms of the other have access to the kids for holidays and special occasions,

got the boys counseling when it seemed necessary

had different rules in each household that suited our parenting styles but respected the rules of the other parent where possible

tried very hard to act in the best interest of the boys regardless of what we personally wanted
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Old 07-08-2008, 06:41 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks for those!
It is good to hear of examples of parents working together for the best interests of their child(ren), of those thats the optimal situation.

How about info for those of us trying to co-parent with an active alcoholic ex who isn't in the frame of mind to try and do what is best for the child(ren)?

How to proceed then?
Iím going to love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me even if someone can't see
Thereís a stronger woman in me
Iím going to be my own best friend
Stick with me 'til the end
Wonít lose myself again, never, no
ĎCause thereís a stronger woman in me...
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Old 07-08-2008, 06:53 PM   #5 (permalink)

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I think you've gotten some good advice so far. You'll need to consult an attorney on the specifics for your state regarding what you can do to protect your child. Things are going okay for me right now because STBXAH is living with his parents. The boys stay over at their house for overnights, or he comes here to visit with the kids during the week. Right now I have included language in my divorce complaint related to alcohol problems. I'm not specifically divorcing him on those grounds though. It can be difficult to prove alcohol addiction. (You'll want to document whatever you can NOW if this is the route you need to go, and from your posts, I think that might be best.)

Right now, my STBXAH has committed to not drinking when the boys are with him. It's a part of standard child visitation wording and will be strengthened by the alcohol abuse wording I included in my complaint. If I find that he has been drinking around them, we will go back to court for supervised visitation only. He knows I'm very serious about this. At this time, I'm trusting that he will do right by them. Once he gets his own place, I'll need to reevaluate.

It's VERY hard to balance making sure your children have a relationship with their parent and your need to protect them from his behavior. An attorney is the best place to start. You can also research the laws in your state and find out what standard visitation is.
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Old 07-08-2008, 07:18 PM   #6 (permalink)

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My XAH was mad as a hornet when my attorney included language about no using while with children or 12 hours before; however, my attorney told me it was critical. Basically, the way she explained it was that if the language was included in the agreement, and I was sure that he WAS using around the children, custody could be modified. But the court would say "why didn't you mention this before?" if I tried to do it after the fact.

That only addresses the legal stuff, figuring out how to communicate effectively with an active A is a whole 'nother problem. Mine has improved immensely in terms of his attitude and actions toward me and the children, but it did take a lot of time and distance--and he claims he is no longer using (don't know, don't really care if this is true). Once the drama of the separation and divorce died down, things improved.

You are asking the hard and necessary questions. An attorney is probably the best resource for the legal mumbo-jumbo, and working on your own codependency issues can only help with the relationship aspect, ie if you can get to an emotional space where the X can't beat you about the head so much (figuratively speaking), some of the communication regarding your dd may become easier.

(((((HUGS)))) You are in the thick of it right now--so hard!!!--but it does get better.

Last edited by nowwhat; 07-08-2008 at 07:20 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 07-08-2008, 08:52 PM   #7 (permalink)

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From an ACOA, making sure your focus is always on your child is a good place to start. My mother never bad-mouthed my father in front of us and never put us in a position of making us decide between her and him. My mother also never flinched when she found out unsettling information from us or anyone else about my father and his escapades. We speak candidly about this today. Her thinking was that we should never have to face adult situations (like being in the middle of their feuds over child support or visitation) because we were still children and she wanted us to enjoy being just that like she did when she was growing up.
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Old 07-09-2008, 06:46 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Thank for posting this thread... it has been helpful to hear how others are dealing with these parenting issues regardless of whether they are sober or not, or even amicable. It gives me something to work towards in coparenting with my AH.


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Old 07-09-2008, 08:10 AM   #9 (permalink)

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Originally Posted by nowwhat View Post
and working on your own codependency issues can only help with the relationship aspect, ie if you can get to an emotional space where the X can't beat you about the head so much (figuratively speaking), some of the communication regarding your dd may become easier.
NowWhat is dead-on with this post. Now that I'm working on my codependency issues, it is sooo much easier to deal with STBXAH. I still have my moments, but in front of him and the kids, I'm as cool as a cucumber. Frankly, I just don't care what he does in his life (this does NOT include the time he is with the kids - he must be sober and a father when they are with him). But as far as the rest of the time, I just don't care. He's still being a jacka$$ sometimes, but instead of anger, I just take it for what it is. When he flakes out on seeing the kids, I just try to make sure that we have something fun to do instead. My kids aren't old enough for a real explanation of why he doesn't come around. I know that time will come though. My plan is to tell them the truth, but without anger or blame.

I am pretty flexible with the visitation schedule. We talk on the phone every couple of days to make plans for the next few days. We need to work up a regular schedule soon, but right flexibility works for us and the kids. Basically, I make the kids available whenever he wants them. Right now that's about twice a week. I would prefer he see them more (they are only 21 months old now), so at that age, they need pretty constant connection. He's missing out on this time, but that's his deal and not mine.

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Old 07-09-2008, 04:26 PM   #10 (permalink)
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My daughter's father is still actively alcoholic. I've been sober more than five and a half years. We have nothing in writing as far as visitation goes, though as soon as she could see the difference between sober mom and drunken dad, she requested that I tell him drinking around her would not be permitted. He didn't like it, and as a result, he sees her infrequently. Also, when he calls, I screen the calls, make sure he's not slurring his words or hostile in any way. This is also at her request. She's fourteen now, part of a blended family, and she does call her step-father "Dad." She was never told that she had to or couldn't - it just seemed natural to her.

My daughter lives in a recovery atmosphere. She's been to many, many AA meetings and functions with me, has helped host them in our home and has an emergency contact list full of AA members. I have three other children - a biological son (father completely absent) and two step-sons. When we left on our honeymoon with a trusted aunt in charge, our kids went down through their AA phone list and organized a poker game! It's truly been a blessing to have so many sober alcoholics around our kids, especially our daughter, because it gives her hope for her father.

When we talk about why I didn't give her the phone, it's matter-of-factly. To say "Your Dad is drunk, so I asked him to call back tomorrow" is not derogatory in our way of thinking. It's holding him accountable for his actions and being honest. We don't tell lies or shield the kids from the world. We talk openly about it, even when it's painful. As a result, my kids seem to be less reluctant to bring their real-world problems to us.

If your child or children have an alcoholic parent, sober or not, speaking about alcoholism is crucial, in my opinion. There's not complete agreement on the familial element of alcoholism, but one thing I do know: considering certain topics off limits, "not polite," or "too adult" never helped a kid give voice to what's in his or her heart or on his or her mind. I want my kids to make informed decisions, and the only way I can do that is to make sure they have information.

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Old 07-10-2008, 11:26 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Thanks for the questions strongerwoman. I am right in the think of things as well with STBXAH. It's all very hard trying to balance my hopes that he will "show up" with trying not to control things. Mine does not call dd or make the effort to see her if he can't make a scheduled visit. I don't know if he is drinking- and it doesn't matter to me except where dd is concerned. She is 10, so is old enough for me to talk to, but we haven't talked much yet- just scratched the surface. I like a lot of the responses you got. Take care- and know you are not alone.
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Old 07-10-2008, 07:40 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I just started co-parenting with my STBXAW. Thankfully, it has been going well--she has progressed from supervised to half-unsupervised visitation every weekend. We communicate very effectively about our 4 kids via email. However, today we started family therapy/co-parenting counseling, and it felt like I was back living with her--the same negative, toxic, berating, controlling person. She basically tried to manipulate me into getting back together with her, citing the "in sickness and in health" part of our marriage vows. I didn't feel like getting into an argument (like always) so I didn't bring up the fact that once you commit acts of abuse, as she did, the abusee is released from the marriage (according to my rudimentary knowledge of divorce law). This was in the waiting room, by the way--not even in session.
So, I would definitely recommend doing the best you can to set boundaries if you get in a co-parenting/family counseling situation.
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Old 07-10-2008, 11:37 PM   #13 (permalink)

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Wow I didn't see this thread before I made my post a little bit ago. This post is just what I have been looking for. I'm trying to figure out how to ensure that he isn't drinking while he has the kids. I don't want to put my son in the situation of asking him to call me or someone else if AH is drinking, but something needs to be put in place. I also will be enforcing the rule that while the kids are free to talk to us about anything, what happens at one parents house that is the business of that parent. I want my kids to come to me and share anything they feel like sharing, but at the same time if there are issues going on at dad's house then they need to try and resolve it. AH is such a drama king though that I have a feeling there is alot of drama still to come.

I am wondering if it is considered verbal abuse for the kids for AH to say inappropriate things about me infront of them. He will say things to me and call me things in front of them. He does this both when he is drunk and sober. I am always cautious as to what I say to and in front of the kids. While ds already tells his dad that he doesnt like him drinking, it isnt my place to say bad things to him about his father that are my opinion and not his own. He needs to be able to form his own opinions.

I am working on transferring to a counselor that will be able to help with parenting issues as well as other stuff that I am working on. AH seems to think that he should be able to maintain some control over me and its not sitting well with him that Im not sitting back and letting him or taking his verbal abuse.
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Old 07-11-2008, 09:57 AM   #14 (permalink)

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Wish He'd Quit - I think you can write some language into your parenting plan about not saying negative things about the other parent.
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Old 07-11-2008, 01:31 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by wish he'd quit View Post
I don't want to put my son in the situation of asking him to call me or someone else if AH is drinking, but something needs to be put in place.
I told my kids that they could call me at any time, for any reason, if they didn't want to stay at their dad's house.

This was not an attempt to get them to rat him out. This was reassurance to them that if they ever didn't want to be there, they could count on me to come and get them. They never did, but I believe they felt more comfortable going over there knowing they had an out if he was drinking.

My kids were 13 and 9 at the time, so it was appropriate for their age.

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Old 07-12-2008, 03:37 PM   #16 (permalink)

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Thumbs up

Great thread - this is so helpful to me right now - I just finished a big conversation with my big sis and this was much of what we discussed.

I have planned to break the news to my AH tomorrow morning and I'm scared to death - not for my safety but just to begin the whole process.

I have the concern about his drinking when he has them and something interesting came out of my mouth when I was with my attorney, I said that "he can drink till he passes out all he wants when they are not with him, I don't care but I don't want him to drink AT ALL when he has them" to which I added "but what makes me think that if he can not control his drinking when he said he wanted to, that he will be able to do it when they are there".

My girls are 11 and 13 and I almost never brought it up to them when I could tell he had been drinking I guess I thought it was best to shelter them from it. But recently I have actually started discussing it with them a lot more because I want them to learn the signs that I now know so they can call me when he's been drinking and I will come get them. They don't know that's why of course because they haven't been told we're divorcing yet (as I said, he is only finding out tomorrow).

Interestingly my 11 year old did not know that he had begun drinking again at all - he never drinks in front of us anymore he just makes a lot of short trips to places in the evenings which is when he does his drinking. Anyway, as we discussed it more, I began to tell her some of the things that I notice about him when he's been drinking and she said that she thinks she can remember times that she thought that he was acting weird or harder to get along with sometimes and she actually said "I guess those must have been times when he was drinking, huh?" - I'm encouraging them to trust their instincts, I have learned that mine are better than he allowed me to realize. Sometimes when he's been drinking and they have trouble and the girls get upset, I usually use a phrase sort of like "there's no point in having touble with him about it and trying to reason with him right now". That's when they know - that I'm also telling them that Daddy has been drinking.

They've both commented to me lately on the fact that he's drinking alot more than they knew he did. That's interesting - I just hope they can recognize it when I'm not around.

They both have told me they never want to ride in the car with him if he's been drinking (in a way that I took to mean that they want me to tell them so they'll know not to get in the car). It happened last night, he had been drinking and said he was going back to the store and my 13 year old asked if she could go and he said yes. I was surprised because I was sure he was going to have a another drink while he went or buy some while he was out. Anyway, she ran back inside to get her shoes and I said "he's been drinking, are you sure you want to go?" She ran back out without saying anything more to me. About 30 seconds later she came back in and laid down on the couch beside me - I think it scared her that she couldn't tell - she asked me how I knew - I guess I thought she was really asking if I was sure or questioning that he was really drinking but I realized that she was probably just wanting me to share what signs I was seeing so she would see them next time.

Wow - I have a big mouth - I'm not sure that any of this is helpful to anyone else but it helps me when I put it into words.

I'm definately grateful to know that there are those of you out there with the same concerns and issues - and that it gives me hope for our future.

This thread has been very helpful for me...... more, more, more..... :bounce
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:29 PM   #17 (permalink)

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Am there/ doing that

Hi. I plugged "alcoholic co-parenting" into my web browser and was directed to your post. So- I joined this forum just to respond. I am sober (a member of AA since 9-04) and working the Steps. I also attend Al-anon and have a personal/ scholastic interest in psychology/ healing. So: imagine my surprise when I conceived a child with my SA (Al-anon speak for "Significant Alcoholic"). I am "old enough to know better", but I believed that our love and mutual respect would pull us through a co-parenting/ family bond and probably sober "Mike" up, too.
Ummm: wrong. I am a single mom with a blatent alcoholic as a "partner". I am about to see a family lawyer (tip #1) to learn the basics on protecting myself as primary parent. I may or may not want to move, for example. What are the laws in my state? (tip #2) Educate yourself about what you can do to secure custody, child support (if you want it), and other legalities. These things are important.
Imagine what kind of life you want for yourself and your child. Map out (in your mind) a schedule for sharing responsibilities. What does it look like? Is it realistic to expect your active alcoholic to be on time for childcare, or do you feel safe with him as your child's caregiver? What qualities would you look for in a nanny or baby-sitter? Do they match up with the reality of your partner?
I recommend: "Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth" for detailed steps on creating a co-parenting plan. I also recommend getting in touch with a family lawyer in your area. They are expensive, but if you go through creative avenues, you may be able to find one who sees low-income families for free. I recommend seeing a counseler once a month or so, with the alcoholic, to have a structured place to communicate about big issues. And, last but not least, you owe it to yourself to plug in to Al-anon for support, as well as seeking and creating relationships with other single moms.
Talk about what's going on in your life with people you trust. This is your life and you deserve to be happy and whole. Visualize what you want and take the steps to create it. Don't dwell on the negative aspects of your alcoholic or his behavior. His past harms to you are just that. Let go and move forward. All of this, by the way, takes time and emotional processing. -M
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Old 09-13-2008, 07:41 PM   #18 (permalink)

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Like some of the others here my stbxAH is actively drinking. I have only allowed him supervised visitation and that is being built into a joint custody arrangement but they live with me full time (ie he gets supervised visitation but the kids likve with me full time). I have also asked that he be sober during his visits with the children. I recognise that this is very difficult (impossible) to control but like nowwhat mentioned, this is helpful if he does turn out to be drinking around them in the future - it gives you leverage and indicates that this was a real problem and one you anticipated at the outset. Although it might not be impossible, proving how big an issue it is once things have carried on that way for a while is going to be an uphill battle. Getting it into the plan/order can also represent an agreement on his part which if/when he breaks it, is problematic for him. Not trying to make life difficult, I'd love to see my stbxAH pull himself together and be a good dad but my primary concern is the kids and making sure I have done everything and have all the tools available to protect them if I need to in the future. Getting legal advice on these issues has been really important to me.

I agree with everything everyone has said about sending consistent messages as parents and trying to stand together - I have told my stbxAH this is how I think we should go about this, but I really can't tell from one day to the next what is going on in his head so I don't hold out much hope of being able to get there. I will not bad mouth him in front of the children. If he does the same about me, then I guess I'll find out but it will not validate responding in the same way (however angry it makes me). I think over time your kids learn that there's a civilised and respectful way of dealing with other people and if they see that all the time at home then they will notice the other behaviour more when they see it (and hopefully disapprove of it). I keep myself nearby when he sees the children, so if they need me to take them home/want to leave, then they always know I'll come and get them. It's important to me that they feel secure (which is frankly very difficult when you're dealing with a volatile A). I let them talk to him on the phone when they feel like it.

I have no idea how this is going to work out in the longer term, so this thread is really helpful. I'm sure it's gong to be a rocky road but this site gives such great guidance - so grateful I found it!
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Old 09-14-2008, 03:46 PM   #19 (permalink)

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I was divorced from my sons A father when they were 2 and 5. He wasn't much of a parent when we were together due to the fact that the bar was ALWAYS more interesting. When we split, I tried to get him to share the parenting duties, ie help with discipline,support, and visitation. It worked well at first but that didn't last long because the care of 2 small children took more time and energy than he wanted to put in.
When the oldest one started noticing how often dad was drunk and said something to him was when the visits were farther and farther apart. Then once when mike was sitting behind his dad, who was driving, and could see the ditch out the window beside him, he told his dad he wouldn't go with him anymore. I supported this because I didn't want them hurt.
After that I didn't consult him on any decisions affecting the kids, if he couldn't make a smart choice about drinking and driving I wasn't about to trust him with other things concerning them.
They are 19 and 22 now, just starting to talk to him again. The youngest is now 124 days clean and sober, has a talking relationship with his dad, but since his father is still actively drinking, he won't get any closer than that. He says that if and when he has children, he won't allow his father to visit unless he is straight. He blaims his father to a certain extent for some of his addictions due to heredity, even tho he knows the decision to use was still his.
So, long story short, I explained what DAD was doing, why DAD was doing it, and left it up to them to decide. But I didn't allow him to co-parent with me because his choices were not healthy for the boys.
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Old 09-29-2014, 08:44 AM   #20 (permalink)

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I just made a very scary phone call to my attorney. I too googled co-parenting with an alcoholic ex and it brought me here. We have been divorced since 2010 and he is a functioning alcoholic and an addict. I feel that what he does on his own time is his business, but when he has our daughter it's mine.
He has always been one to drink and drive. I have warned him too many times to count that if our 9yr old daughter is in the car he is not to drink-at all-but that has never stopped him.
My oldest daughter (his step-daughter) and our daughter went somewhere with him this weekend and at the end he went to the gas station....liquor store was next door so he walked over. Made himself a drink and got back into the car to drive, not only my children, but 2 other children home. I am at my wits end!!! He talks very negatively about me in front of her, always telling her I am trying to put him in jail, etc.... I am sure most of you can totally relate and get where I am coming from.

I guess I am hoping someone else has been in the situation and can offer something.... I really don't want to go back to court but I see no other way. I've tried every single other option I know of. His mother enables him so there is no support there.

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