So as you all know, my bf ran out of his meds early. REAL early. He got a few painkillers and drank for the first couple days. Today.....I don't know. When I left him this morning, he was in withdrawals and asked me to go home and take a shower and then come back. I knew where that was headed. He likes to be alone when he doesn't feel good. I can understand that.
Friday night he was asking me if I believed in God. I said, absolutely. He's the one thing that holds me together. I believe very much. And then he said, from watching all of these ghost shows that he believes there is something but he also believes in evolution. I told him, he doesn't have to call it God. Just a higher power. He said, yeah, that makes sense. Well.....lastnight he told me he has been thinking about ending it all a lot lately. I asked, is that why you asked me about God? He said yeah. It makes him feel more comfortable I think knowing there is something else if he does end it.
He is so deeply depressed. He was going through a bunch of old stuff lastnight, showing me his past and how bad he was and I could tell it bothered him. And then he kept telling me how perfect we are together and how nothing in this world is more amazing than what we have. It felt like he was saying goodbye to me.
I didn't want to let him go.
I've let his mother know because he has lived with them since he went to rehab last year.
I've napped a lot today to keep me from thinking about it. I don't know what to do with myself. I try doing things that I like but I can't. I have no interest in doing anything. It's like I'm sitting here waiting for a text or a call.
The last text he sent me said, " Want to be alone for a couple hours. Please."
He has a shotgun in his bedroom. Told me a few months ago if he was going to do it thats how he would do it - Right this time. He has tried to kill himself several times.
When I came in to his bedroom lastnight, he was laying there on the bed with his dog and he said, " I was just telling her that I would see her in the afterlife." I leaned down to him and he must have been able to tell by my face, he said, don't worry, that's a good thing. I'm not going anywhere.
It's the most horrible feeling sitting here thinking the man you is going to hurt himself and you can't do anything about it. You can't call 911 unless they actually threaten suicide or say something like, " I can't live anymore", ....etc.
So I'm sitting here, unable to eat with knots in my stomach, worrying. I keep trying to take my mind off it, think of something else, watch t.v., etc. Nothing is working. This feeling is too strong. I can feel it literally sucking the life out of me. I need help. Supposed to see a substance abuse counselor this week. I need to get prepared for what lies ahead. Whether it be him going into recovery and what I should expect, him relapsing or him ending it all. I need to get prepared because if I don't, I'm scared of what I would become.
Sorry, I know it's long. Thanks for listening. Just needed to get this out.