Not doing good

Old 09-07-2008, 01:06 PM
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Perfectly Imperfect
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Not doing good

So as you all know, my bf ran out of his meds early. REAL early. He got a few painkillers and drank for the first couple days. Today.....I don't know. When I left him this morning, he was in withdrawals and asked me to go home and take a shower and then come back. I knew where that was headed. He likes to be alone when he doesn't feel good. I can understand that.
Friday night he was asking me if I believed in God. I said, absolutely. He's the one thing that holds me together. I believe very much. And then he said, from watching all of these ghost shows that he believes there is something but he also believes in evolution. I told him, he doesn't have to call it God. Just a higher power. He said, yeah, that makes sense. Well.....lastnight he told me he has been thinking about ending it all a lot lately. I asked, is that why you asked me about God? He said yeah. It makes him feel more comfortable I think knowing there is something else if he does end it.
He is so deeply depressed. He was going through a bunch of old stuff lastnight, showing me his past and how bad he was and I could tell it bothered him. And then he kept telling me how perfect we are together and how nothing in this world is more amazing than what we have. It felt like he was saying goodbye to me. I didn't want to let him go.
I've let his mother know because he has lived with them since he went to rehab last year.
I've napped a lot today to keep me from thinking about it. I don't know what to do with myself. I try doing things that I like but I can't. I have no interest in doing anything. It's like I'm sitting here waiting for a text or a call.
The last text he sent me said, " Want to be alone for a couple hours. Please."
He has a shotgun in his bedroom. Told me a few months ago if he was going to do it thats how he would do it - Right this time. He has tried to kill himself several times.
When I came in to his bedroom lastnight, he was laying there on the bed with his dog and he said, " I was just telling her that I would see her in the afterlife." I leaned down to him and he must have been able to tell by my face, he said, don't worry, that's a good thing. I'm not going anywhere.
It's the most horrible feeling sitting here thinking the man you is going to hurt himself and you can't do anything about it. You can't call 911 unless they actually threaten suicide or say something like, " I can't live anymore", ....etc.
So I'm sitting here, unable to eat with knots in my stomach, worrying. I keep trying to take my mind off it, think of something else, watch t.v., etc. Nothing is working. This feeling is too strong. I can feel it literally sucking the life out of me. I need help. Supposed to see a substance abuse counselor this week. I need to get prepared for what lies ahead. Whether it be him going into recovery and what I should expect, him relapsing or him ending it all. I need to get prepared because if I don't, I'm scared of what I would become.
Sorry, I know it's long. Thanks for listening. Just needed to get this out.
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Old 09-07-2008, 01:46 PM
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That is very frightening! I am afraid I do not know how to advise you, but wiser ones will be along.

hugs,
live
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Old 09-07-2008, 02:03 PM
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What a terrible weekend, so much emotions.

You've done all you can. It's understandable that the worry is debilitating, but try to do something for you, to soothe yourself. Worrying isn't changing anything, and it doesn't sound like you think it is - that's good.

I don't have any words of wisdom. My own experience with depression from withdrawals was with my (x)AH. He got very depressed when he was tapering last year and did get off the pain killers for a few weeks. He didn't directly threaten suicide (at least not to me), but it was implied, and many times it broke my heart. I have friends in NA and they told me to step away, he needed to feel that low and hopefully he would pick up the phone call for help (it could be his "rock bottom"). I wasn't helping him, they told me. My AH never did reach out for the help, not really. I wish he had. All the anguish he put himself and everyone in his family thru over the holidays - they wanted to help and support him, how could they not? But, after all was said and done, it was still up to him to reach out for the REAL help.

(((hugs))) to you!
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Old 09-07-2008, 04:20 PM
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I'm so sorry. This is just another way they can hold us hostage. We want to detach, but we are also human and we care. We have feelings and worries and want our loved ones to be safe.

Lots of love to you right now. :praying
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Old 09-07-2008, 07:22 PM
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Have you thought about calling a suicide hot line? Or better yet, suggesting to him that he call?

The folks on the suicide hot line might have some suggestions. Also, at least in this state, there is a service through the county mental health facility where you can call and a social worker and a nurse come out and evaluate a person. Maybe you could check your county's web site to see if there are any mental health emergency services.

It is so hard to tell when someone talks about suicide. It can be a very real threat and it can be a manipulation. I'd say make a few calls, get some advice from a suicide hot line and after you've done what you can - pray.

I'll be praying that you find the resources you need.

God Bless.
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Old 09-07-2008, 08:17 PM
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It seems like it would be a good idea for his parents to remove that shotgun based on what he told you. I sure hope things get better for you...
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Old 09-08-2008, 04:36 AM
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Thank you for your replies. It means so much for me right now to have people to talk to. I called a substance abuse counselor Thursday and he was very helpful. I hope he calls me back today so I can go in for an appointment. He told me what kind of language to look for in case I need to call 911. I told his parents about the gun in his room. They used to own a bait and gun shop years ago so there are guns EVERYWHERE
He got some pills to "hopefully" tide him over until he gets his last script.
I stopped by to see him and he was in bed. I stayed for a minute but he asked me to leave so I respected that. I asked him in a non-judgemental way, "why don't you want to go to rehab." and he said, "I've been there before." Then I cried for a couple hours, sitting and talking with God. Then what do ya know, he called me. When I asked what he was doing, he said, looking on the internet about demons and God. He said, there has to be something...... I'm just trying to see if this can give me.................(and then he stopped). I said - strength? he said "yeah" and I said hope? and he said "yeah". I'm still not sure if this is his way of trying to find and make peace with God before he does anything. He seemed very down at the thought of being a troublemaker when he was younger. He never stole or hurt people but he was just a troublemaker in school and he had a few oui's and stuff like that. Going through his court documents, he really started getting down.
When he asked what I was doing, I told him....I'm sitting at the lake talking to God. He said, "really?" I said, yes. I've been here for a while.
After we hung up, I texted him and told him that he was my bestfriend, my soulmate and that I really believe God sent him to me. He said, I love you too. Maybe he sent you to me?? I told him that I think God knew what we both needed because only something God created could be as perfect as what we have.
I know he has this demon that he is wrestling with but he is a good man. I want to be that positive force in his life - I think everyone needs one. Somehow though, I need to learn to be able to do that and take care of myself at the same time. He always tells me I am his angel - that he has never felt more loved, safe, cared about and trusted. I know those words are true because I know that he has been through and why he is where he is now. I just hope and pray and ask God to give him the strength to hold onto those things - hold onto what we make together and use that as his strength to beat this. But, it's really out of my hands. I need to step back now and let God do his work. If it is his will, he will save him. I just pray it is his will. I was on here looking in the Substance Abuse forum at some stickies and was devastated at the posts that I saw. Members who lost their lives to this addiction. So saddening.
I will keep you all posted. Thank you for your help - just being able to share this with other people keeps me going, so thanks.
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Old 09-08-2008, 05:25 AM
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Originally Posted by findingserenity
He always tells me I am his angel -
Angels fix stuff and split is that you?

It seems like you are taking his bait hook, line, and sinker. Addicts love to create drama they feel sorry for themselves and they thrive on pity.

You can call the suicide hot line and say he is threatening to commit suicide even if he did not actually say it. They will go and check him out. Just say he said he wants to die. Which all of his actions seem to be saying anyway. Either he will snap out of it or they will help him.

Don't let him manipulate you like this otherwise he will keep doing it. You cannot be "that positive force in his life" because you are not God...

To me is sounds like he is morning his dope dosage.
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Old 09-08-2008, 09:33 AM
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Thank you Splendra. No.......I guess that is not me. Or I don't want it to be anyway. I don't know what God's plan for me is. All I know is I need to gain the strength for what is coming. I need to be prepared for whatever God throws at me, good or bad.
You are right. I am not God. I do wonder if this is some kind of punishment from God though. I was reading that God should be your ultimate love yet all I keep saying is that my bf is is the most important person in my life and I love him more than anything. Maybe God is trying to tell me something. I love God more than anything but that is not what I am saying out loud.


I'm not sure. All I know is I want to stay. So, I just spoke to the substance abuse counselor. I have an appointment Thursday!! Great!!!! I think face to face counseling is what I need right now. I know that all of my behavior cleary shows that I am a codependent and I am addicted to him. I need to beat this. I need to get through this without losing myself in the process. So.....I've asked for help. Better later than never I guess.

Thanks so much Splendra
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Old 09-08-2008, 09:40 AM
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Oh yeah....what I do worry about and why I take this so seriously is that he has tried to commit suicide SEVERAL times. He was alone everytime so he must be blessed with the grace of God because someone always managed to walk in and find him lying there, bleeding to death.
But, this time, he has told me he wouldn't do it that way. He would do it so it would work.
Thursday he is going to be in full withdrawal so I think that appointment is perfect timing. I will need support that day.
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who reads and posts. I know sometimes it might be hard for people to say their advice because they think we don't want to hear what we may be doing wrong but not me. I know what I'm doing wrong and I keep doing it. Having you all tell me again keeps me realizing and gives me ideas to get through this so thanks.....very much
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Old 09-08-2008, 02:32 PM
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the girl can't help it
 
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(((((findingserenity))))))

Prayers going out for you and your BF.
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Old 09-09-2008, 11:30 AM
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FS ~ there is power in knowledge!!!!!

Thinking of ya!!!!!! xoxo
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Old 09-09-2008, 04:28 PM
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You know it is BAD when I'm at the point that I'm praying now for him to find drugs. I need help!!!! My appointment Thursday can not come fast enough.
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Old 09-09-2008, 05:03 PM
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(((((((findingserenity))))))))

Probably the best thing for you to do is try to back off from him. It would be very difficult I am sure. Do something good for yourself sweetie give your mind and spirit a rest from his drama.

I hate to know that you are allowing yourself to be pulled into his stuff. You don't deserve it. Be gentle with yourself...
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Old 09-11-2008, 02:28 PM
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I'm a firm believer in calling 911 - and sometimes I left the house before they got there, so the addict had to deal with the aftermath. They are they professionals, they know what to do. I'd certainly want him out of the house and in some kind of facility. Which 911 will do.

Bottom line - I'm just not that powerful. Only God decides who lives and dies.

Glad you are getting some help for you. Unfortunately, this kind of stuff is way tooooo familiar for me from the days of living with active addiction. And withdrawl.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

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